Life can be hard sometimes. Which is why a little humor goes a long way, and for some of us, that means digging into the deepest, darkest pits of our mind. For those who appreciate a little dark humor, we’ve compiled a list of inappropriate and dirty jokes majorly dripping in shock-value. Some are just so ridiculous it’s as though George Costanza and Larry David thought them up on the spot. They’re basically the anti-hero of jokes.
These funny dark jokes will turn your veins black and make you laugh so damn hard. Sorry not sorry (but really, sorry). And you’re not alone in your search for them, either. According to the latest search data available to us, dark jokes are searched for nearly 110,000 times per month. The ultimate goal, however, is to take a moment of darkness and bring some levity into our lives. Here are our favorites to get through the day. Warning: these aren’t child-friendly. Kids are far too innocent for this stuff, unlike us sick and twisted individuals.
1. “Siri, why am I still single?!” Siri activates front camera.
2. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
3. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.
4. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
5. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick.
6. It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.
7. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
8. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
9. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
10. My parents raised me as an only child which really pissed off my brother.
11. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
12. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
13. You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.
14. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
15. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.
16. Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
17. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
18. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
19. Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” “To the morgue.” “What? But I’m not dead yet!” “And we’re not there yet.”
22. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
21. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
22. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.
23. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
24. “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
25. My boss said to me, “you’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
26. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
27. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them they disappear.
28. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
29. My grief counsellor died just the other day. He was so good though, I didn’t care.
30. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
31. The cemetery is overcrowded and people keep dying to get in.
32. What rhymes with “boo” and stinks? You.
33. “I have good and bad news,” the doctor said to his patient. “Give me the good news first,” the patient said. “Your test results are back,” the doctor said, “and you have only two days to live.” “That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
34. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
35. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
36. My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
37. Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?” “Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”
38. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
39. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
40. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
41. Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s
42. What did Kermit the frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Nothing.
43. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
44. Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.
45. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
46. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill is what made us afraid of the light.
47. If at first you don’t succeed… Then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. (credit: Steven Wright)
48. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
49. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
50. I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
51. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
52. “I work with animals,” the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
53. How do you get rid of a good mood? Take a pregnancy test.