'Cauliflower Ice Cream' Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 
Image via PopSugar screengrab

Cauliflower ice cream exists, because of course it does

I was just in the middle of an argument about the validity of cauliflower as a pizza crust — when lo and behold — a new food travesty emerged.

Fucking cauliflower ice cream.

First of all, cauliflower pizza crust is not pizza crust so just stop. It’s smashed, slightly firm cauliflower with tomato sauce and cheese on it. Calling that a pizza is like throwing tomato sauce on a tortilla and calling it a pizza. Blargh.

Before you chase me down in the streets let me preface this with — if you legitimately can’t have gluten and dairy you get to eat anything you want without ridicule. Those are the rules. This post is not about you. It’s about people who fall for the latest “wellness” (read, diet) bullshit and then try to subject the rest of us to it on pizza night. Pizza night is sacred. Get your mashed cauliflower out of my face before I cry.

Back to cauliflower ice cream — because yes, it’s a thing.

All you need is six ounces of frozen riced cauliflower, four ounces of frozen strawberries, 1/4 cup frozen pitaya puree (NO IDEA), some sweetened condensed coconut milk, cinnamon, and vanilla bean paste…

And voila!

You can make any grown woman cry.

Look, if you want non-dairy ice cream there are so many ways to get it now. Coconut ice cream is freaking delicious. You can actually freeze a banana and stick it in a food processor and not end up with the blasphemy of food you see above. Cauliflower tastes like cauliflower no matter what the hell you do to it — and you’ll never convince me it doesn’t.

Now I have to go try this because I am so curious. Just have to find some pitaya first.

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