Chrissy Teigen Isn't A Child-Eating Pedophile, You Gullible F*cking Dingaling

by Kristen Mae
Originally Published: 
Chrissy Teigen/Instagram

For reasons unknown to people who are capable of critical thinking, Chrissy Teigen continues to be mercilessly targeted by Qanon conspiracy theory-humpers who think she is a child sex trafficker who eats babies or drinks the blood of babies or maybe does both of those things, I don’t know, the story constantly changes.

The accusations always harken back to a 2011 satirical tweet by Teigen about the show Toddlers and Tiaras. The tweet read, “seeing little girls do the splits half naked is just…..i want to put myself in jail. #toddlers and tiaras.” This tweet is an indictment of the sexualization of little girls, not a condoning of it. Teigen is making the point, via satire, that Toddlers and Tiaras over-sexualized little girls. Fucking obviously.

But let’s for a moment pretend Teigen’s statement was literal—that she literally has inappropriate feelings toward little girls. So… she intentionally put that out there for the world to see? On fucking Twitter? Right. That’s a completely logical thing for someone who is trying to hide their secret sex trafficking ring to do.

Later, in 2017, a Twitter user accused Teigen of being part of ‘Pizzagate’—a conspiracy theory that led a gunman to fire his weapon in a crowded Washington, D.C. pizzeria because he believed children were being stored in the establishment’s basement. Boy did he feel stupid when he discovered the establishment did not even have a basement, much less one with children hidden in it. Teigen is apparently involved in pizzagate because she… sometimes tweets about her love of pizza. Uh, okay.

Another accusation stems from a viral Facebook post that falsely states Teigen (along with Oprah Winfrey and Ellen Degeneres) appeared on convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein’s flight list to his private island. The Facebook post said, “Does anyone else find it odd that not a single celebrity or big name on Epsteins [sic] flight list has spoken out in defense of themselves? … Chrissy Teigen deleted 27,000 tweets, but never put out a statement about it. Ellen DeGeneres has not spoke on it. Oprah Winfrey has not spoke on it.”

I want to point out something that is common to many, many viral posts like this. Look closely at the wording.

Does anyone else find it odd that not a single celebrity or big name on Epsteins [sic] flight list has spoken out in defense of themselves?

And then:

Chrissy Teigen deleted 27,000 tweets, but never put out a statement about it. Ellen DeGeneres has not spoke on it. Oprah Winfrey has not spoke on it.

Did you notice that the poster never actually says that Teigen, Winfrey, or Degeneres were on the flight list? She implied it and correctly assumed people would be dumb enough to make the mental leap. And boy, did they. That Facebook post was shared over 121,000 times.

The accusation that Teigen “never put out a statement about it” is easily verifiable as false, though. Teigen did put out a statement—several statements, actually—about the flight list conspiracy theory.

I just cannot comprehend why people are so fixated with Teigen. If she were really a child sex trafficker, don’t you think she would’ve been busted by now? Don’t you think there’d be more evidence than a Facebook post that vaguely incriminates her?

Epstein was busted. Investigators are going after anybody who is associated with him. It’s not over just because Epstein is dead. Brad Edwards, the attorney who represented 50 of Epstein’s victims, literally wrote a book about the work he has done and continues to do. (Listen to him speak about it on Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast.) Chrissy Teigen does not feature in that story.

These Qanon bottom dwellers spend all this energy furiously typing on their keyboards and slandering an innocent person, but they do nothing, absolutely nothing, to end actual human trafficking. They’re creating a whole lot of noise that does a whole lot of jack shit to help the children and young adults who are truly suffering. And in the meantime, they’re harming an innocent person who has zilch to do with the people they claim they want to save.

Even if Chrissy Teigen were guilty, how does screaming at her on Twitter help rescue sex trafficking victims? Wouldn’t it make more sense to deliver the supposed evidence you’ve compiled to law enforcement or an attorney who represents sex trafficking victims?

This is the big question I have for Q too, who supposedly is some wizard and has all the secret intel about everything everywhere at every level of everything:

Hey Q, if you have all the intel, how come your only power is to spread cryptic information but never to supply evidence to the people who could actually act on it? Every time you post about sex trafficking to your followers instead of taking your “evidence” to the authorities who have the power to do something about it, you are complicit in the crimes you want everyone to believe you know about. I get it, though. I’m sure it makes you feel incredibly powerful to have all these minions salivating over your every word, even if they’re not very smart.

I feel awful for Chrissy Teigen. Imagine receiving thousands upon thousands of messages every single day accusing you of being a pedophile. Accusing you of eating children (I keep seeing this accusation in Facebook comments but I can’t find where it originated. What in the actual fuck is wrong with people??) Teigen had to block one million Twitter accounts. One. And six zeroes. “I have a family and job and there are too many to target,” she said on Twitter. “I’ve tried everything. Every lawyer says it will take many years and not change a f***ing thing.”

Also, do these people not notice how frequently Chrissy Teigen posts to social media? We pretty much know where she is at all times. When is she squeezing in all this human trafficking? And what is her husband John Legend’s role in all of this? He’s busy composing music and doing famous singer stuff and has cameras on him constantly, but he’s somehow involved in this too? He’s complicit? Again, when is he engaging in all this depraved behavior? Ugh, famous people, always managing to squeeze so much more out of a 24-hour day than the rest of us, amiright? They must not sleep.

Next Q theory: Chrissy Teigen is a vampire, literally.

Human trafficking is a very real thing. Terrible people really do force children and women into the sex industry, and we absolutely should do everything we can to help these victims and convict offenders. Funneling energy into absurd conspiracy theories that slander an innocent person does absolutely nothing to achieve those goals.

If you engage in the spread of these ridiculous, time-wasting theories, you are complicit in allowing the real perpetrators of trafficking to keep doing what they’re doing. If you care as much as you say, get out from behind your keyboard and invest your energies into the organizations doing the real work to rescue actual victims of human trafficking.

Or, at the very least, just shut the fuck up.

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