Ladies, Warn Your Friends About All The Gross Stuff That Happens Postpartum

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 

Chrissy Teigen is already tweeting about the gross parts of new motherhood

There are so many gross, unexpected things that happen to you after you birth a child. No one dwells on these experiences because a) they’re gross, b) they’re private and c) everyone is too busy gushing over a baby to make a mental note to warn their girlfriends about all the gushing that goes on elsewhere on your postpartum body.

We really should prepare our girlfriends who haven’t gone through it yet a little better for this shit. Enter Chrissy Teigen, everyone’s favorite cyber-BFF. She’s not sugar-coating anything. She just had a baby and she’s here to let us all know there’s some gross stuff going on.

I guess it’s common sense that all that blood isn’t going to magically vanish, but seriously Mother Nature? I mean, come on. Couldn’t it have been a light only-need-a-pantyliner trickle for a few days instead of an OMG BLOOD IS GUSHING EVERYWHERE GET ME THE LARGEST PAD THEY’VE EVER MADE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER I NEED TO JAM THAT IN MY MESH UNDERWEAR, NOW! The postpartum pad situation is ridiculous. No one told me. I bought Always regular-size pads after my first child was born. Useless. It was like using a cotton ball to wipe up a spilled gallon of milk.

What else? Oh, yes. This:

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If you haven’t had a child, you have no idea what this is. No, you don’t drink out of it. Yes, it looks like a sports bottle – but it’s not. It’s basically a spa for your postpartum vagina. Don’t really know how else to describe it. It’s called a perineal irrigation bottle. If you are unfamiliar with the perineum, you may know it by it’s more common nickname, the “taint.” Oh my god, never realized how much I hated that word until I just typed it.

Well, they could’ve called it a “taint washer” which would have been worse. This thing helps clean the dried blood armageddon that goes on down there after a human emerges from your body. No, you don’t skip this part if you have a c-section, because Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor. You still bleed as if something has actually emerged from your vagina, even if it hasn’t.

The magical taint washer also helps you pee. Yes, you read that right. Peeing may hurt after labor, especially if you’ve had a tear. A little warm water down there does a world of good.

While we’re on the subject of gross stuff that happens to you after childbirth, if you’ve had a c-section, take the suppository they offer you. TAKE IT. I so wish someone would have told me that. A lot of things are going on with your insides the doctors had to shift around to get the baby out — you will be constipated. They are going to be very interested in how much you are pooping and farting after you have a c-section, which sort of prepares you for having a toddler follow you to the bathroom and narrate your bowel movements. Take the suppository. They won’t let you leave the hospital until you poop.

You’re welcome. Isn’t new motherhood glamorous?

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