Any day can be a great day for consensual sex, but folks put a lot of thought into getting laid—or what it means if they don’t—on Valentine’s Day. In a not-at-all shocking poll, 90% of men say sex is what they want most on V Day, yet in another poll, only 49% of women say sex is what they want from their Valentine.
What we want and what we get is often not the same thing, but for lots of people, Valentine’s Day is the most popular day of the year to get it on. More sex means there is a higher likelihood that someone is going to get hurt during said sex. I am not referring to assault; I’m speaking of the lost-in-passion, adrenaline-rush-induced, bonehead injuries sustained during coitus. If you’re thinking about upping your love-making game on Valentine’s Day, be aware of these common, yet unfortunate, sex injuries.
The National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (NEISS) has data on more than 450 sex injuries, and the most common category is “foreign body.” Because nothing says “I love you” more than getting something stuck in you or your partner’s rectum. Sure, those conversation hearts can say that too, but apparently only if you put them somewhere other than your partner’s mouth.
I’m all for using sex toys alone or with a partner, but bigger is rarely better, and not all toys can be used in both the vagina and the anus. If you want to experiment with vibrators or dildos, be sure you or your partner has a solid grip on one end—ideally one with a wide base—while the other end is in use. And anal-specific plugs or beads are best if you want to experiment with backdoor play.
And for the love of God, don’t use random household objects like PVC pipe, the ends of screw drivers (yes, I see the pun), or vacuum attachments. If you’re going to insert something that is not your own body part into another person’s orifice, use some common sense—and even then, use some discretion. And lube. But if an object does get stuck, go to a doctor or the ER for medical treatment sooner rather than later. Your embarrassment isn’t greater than the damage that could be done by trying to locate the lost item by yourself.
Cuts and Tears
The vagina can take a pounding, but only if properly warmed up and lubricated. I get that one member of the party may be ready and raring to go, but unless all participants are literally open to sex, the vulva, vagina, and anus can and will tear. Whether it is a sex toy, finger, or penis, slow your roll and make sure the hole that is going to be penetrated is wet and relaxed first. If it’s not, check in. Paying attention to your partner and asking for what you need is sexy. And it will save you pain, bleeding, and a potential trip to the ER.
This is exactly what it sounds like—the penis can actually break during sex. It actually sounds like a loud pop, looks like a loss of erection, and sounds like cries of pain. Rough sex and certain positions can lead to penial fractures. The most common positions for this injury are “doggy style” and “partner on top.”
Though many cases are caused by masturbation and blunt trauma. I am not suggesting you give up your creativity during your night of passion, but I am suggesting you let go of the idea you are a porn star. And see a doctor immediately.
Sprains, Strains, and Muscle Pulls
Sometimes passion and endorphins give us the endurance to perform like an all-star athlete. Then we realize later or the next day that we are not in shape or in the shape we thought we were. According to the NEISS database, aches and pains achieved during sex are very common and can usually be treated with some ibuprofen, ice or heat, and some rest.
Bruises, Scrapes, and Rug Burn
Getting caught up in the thrill of the moment can lead to rough and sometimes clumsy sex. Falling off the bed, banging into the head board, or wearing away that top layer of skin on our knees or elbows is just par for the course. Keep some antibiotic cream on hand and maybe some ice to take the heat off.
Sexually Transmitted Infections
If you or your partner have been diagnosed with any type of STI or another painful gift that keeps on giving, not having sex on Valentine’s Day is probably the most romantic thing you can do. Condoms and dental dams can lower the risk of contracting STIs as well as testing and open communication with your partner. Peeing after sex can also flush infection causing bacteria from the urethra and prevent painful bladder and prostrate infections. If you experience pain, itching, discharge, or sores see a doctor immediately, who may need to order you a prescription.
Ah, Valentine’s Day. A great day for friendship, love, and sex…injuries. Common sense goes a long way people, and maybe put down a blanket to protect your knees from carpet burn. Also, if you aren’t sure if an object should go into a hole, it probably shouldn’t.