Company Saves New Moms From Idiot Husbands

Daddy Caddy email service prompts new dads to perform the simplest of tasks after their babies are born

It doesn’t matter how many baby books you read, how much advice your Facebook friends give you, how many classes you take. Nothing can prepare you for having a baby. It’s challenging, unpredictable, and often overwhelming. And that’s just for the new moms!

Can you imagine how incomprehensible it is for your husband!?

Unless you were lucky enough to marry Ryan Reynolds (Hi Blake!), odds are that the minute your baby was born, your husband threw up, fainted, ran away, and had to have a nice policeman bring him back and apologize to everyone. Don’t be too hard on him though! Husbands, while they mean well, are morons, and new dads, while necessary (maybe not for long?) and enthusiastic (again, ONLY if you’re married to Ryan Reynolds), are utterly clueless.

Not even the most dedicated, conscientious, all-in father can possibly understand the bond Mommy has with her baby. And whether you’ve been together nine years or nine months, he certainly won’t know what you need during your first few months as a new mother. Fear not, Daddy Caddy is here to help!

According to Parents, the Daddy Caddy email subscription service is billed as “the ultimate cheat sheet for first-time fathers. The kinds of tips the email will provide include “Buy postage and mail out baby announcements” and “Bring mom a glass of water when she breastfeeds. […] The daily email acts as an automatic prompt, so that overwhelmed dads don’t have to consult a book or search online.”

Thank God for email! Now stupid Daddy doesn’t have to remember such complicated procedures as asking Mommy, “Is there anything I can get for you?” or saying things like, “Lie down and rest, I’ll get you something to drink.” It’s hard enough for a man to comprehend the presence of an infant in his home, you can’t expect him to remember that he still has a wife too! You know how forgetful men can be!

Well worry not, moms. PROBLEM SOLVED. Thanks, Daddy Caddy!

Okay. Can I be real a second? For just a millisecond? Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second? (Sorry, I’m obsessed with Hamilton!) I just had a baby eight weeks ago. Despite this being my second kid, I’m the first to admit I still have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to caring for a newborn.

But I’m an adult. I’ve been around other people for nearly forty years now, and married to my wife for nearly ten. I don’t care how sleep-deprived or shell-shocked or out of my comfort zone having a newborn has gotten me, if I didn’t have the common sense and general wherewithal to lend her a hand either immediately after giving birth, a few weeks down the road, a year from now, ten years from now, or on a daily basis ten years ago before we had kids? We wouldn’t still be married.

I don’t know where the person who created this service lives (I’m gonna guess either Afghanistan or the South?), but if the men she’s hanging around with need a service this insultingly rudimentary, then she’d better get in a time machine and join the 21st century.

Daddy Caddy creator Catharine Griffin says she amassed the tips in her emails from talking to other moms. “I asked friends, acquaintances, and even strangers for their input,” she said. “It wasn’t a scientific method at all.” Wait a second. Science wasn’t involved in the process of determining that not only are husbands and fathers helpless, lazy pieces of selfish, stupid garbage, but their wives think they are too? Too bad there wasn’t a non-scientific way of telling those hateful, doomed couples not to get married and have kids in the first place.

The email service is priced at $5 for a 30-day subscription. Which is definitely a lot cheaper than hiring a hit man to murder your useless idiot of a husband!