Dear Snooki (Notes on Motherhood)

Dear Snooki,

Congratulations! You’re a mother!

Can you believe it? A baby came out of you. You! Friggin’ awesome, huh? I can’t wait to hear all about and maybe even see (fingers crossed!) every little detail on MTV! I’m sure you were an absolute champ.

I’m sure you’re, you know, totally overwhelmed with love and joy and first photo right offers to consider, but I thought I’d give you a few pieces of advice. From one mom to another!

I know it’s summer and all, but in case you didn’t realize it, babies are supposed to be pale. Yeah, I know he looks pasty and it’s kind of fugly, but no need to start little Lorenzo on self-tanning cream quite yet. Maybe you’ll even luck out and he’ll have jaundice. How awesome would that be?

He’s also probably lacking some hair, I bet. Don’t worry, though, most babies aren’t born with a ton of it. You’ll have lots of time to perfect that adorable mini-pouf we all can’t wait to see!

Speaking of cosmetics, it must be tempting, but try and hold off on the Drakkar Noir or Cool Water for a bit. He probably smells pretty good on his own right now, so you can wait until he eats solids to run around spritzing him!

Now, you did just have a baby, but something tells me you’ll be up and out in no time! You’re going to be leaking some nasty stuff for a while, though, so don’t forget to wear your undies! It would be so embarrassing to leave remnants of your uterine wall all over New Jersey, right?

Best of luck, Snooki!

P.S. Despite what you may have been told, breastfeeding doesn’t act as birth control. Thought you should know!

XOXO