How To Con Your Way Out Of Diaper Duty

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mrkarltapales / Twenty20

Babies! We all agree that they’re the best.

The snuggles! The smiles! They’re irresistible, am I right? Of course I am. Uh, it’s actually science.

We can also agree that there are times when you simply CANNOT. CHANGE. ANOTHER. DIAPER. It’s not even a choice. Your brain and body just scream, “Enough!”

But babies need their diapers changed. They just do. And until we have affordable robot assistants who change diapers and bring us champagne, somebody has to do it. If you don’t want that person to be you, you need a strategy.

Approach it like a job. I know, the last thing you need is another job. But this one has great benefits! Like NOT CHANGING DIAPERS.

Next time butt duty calls, try one of these:

1. Bribery

The sad but true reality of bribery is that it works. And sometimes it’s as simple as, “If you get this one, I’ll take the next two.”

2. Compliments

You know the saying “flattery gets you out of diaper changes”? (It’s a thing.) When there’s a diaper situation, you can always try a simple, “You’re just so much better at it. I know I do it a lot, but I’m so impressed by how well you handle it. It’s like you have this gift!” It may not work, but it’s worth a try, right?

3. Offer an “Even” Exchange

“If you change this one, I’ll empty the Diaper Genie.” This is pure trickery because the truth is when you empty the Diaper Genie you smell zilch. Nada. Nothing. So joke’s on you, Other Half, there’s nothing “even” about this exchange. Good luck with that blowout, though.

4. Use Guilt

It’s 2019. The bar has officially been raised for dads. They know they need to spend time bonding with baby at least as much as moms do. Use that to your advantage. Gently remind him that it’s important. Remind him at the exact moment you smell a diaper disaster.

5. Be Incompetent

Admittedly, this is a tough one to pull off. But if you’re serious about getting out of diaper duty, you’ll give it a shot. Think of anyone you’ve ever seen fumbling with something in an infomercial. Fumble around and make this face until someone comes to your rescue.

Image via Giphy

6. Give an Award-Winning Performance

Did you ever want to be an actor? Here’s your chance. Make yourself look more sallow and more tired (if that’s possible) and squeeze out a few tears. Just do an exaggerated version of what you’re actually feeling. You really ARE that tired. You really ARE that sick of changing diapers. Just turn up the volume a notch or five.

7. Fake an Injury

This is a cousin to the acting job above. It’s the cousin of performance-enhancing drugs. Faking an injury requires some stunt work so you need to decide if you’re ready for this type of work. Once you commit, it’s simple: Trip over the Diaper Genie, dramatically fake a fall, and –— ta-daa! — the man-unit takes care of the diaper change while you enjoy a moment to recline. SCORE!

8. Remind People Who Gave Birth to This Baby

This is DEFCON 1. Women have to put up with a lot, and we don’t get a lot of breaks. But if you gave birth, you have one huge advantage: You did this thing. Every once in a while, say, “You know what? I gave birth to that human who needs her diaper changed. I forever changed my own body so that we could have this child. Can you please just do this one thing?” Sure, it’s a little over the top, but you either want it or you don’t, right?

The key to each of these tactics is to actually believe in yourself. Believe you’re going to deliver on the bribe. Believe you tripped and fell into a stunt roll! Next time baby needs a change, it’s not gonna be done by you. You got this!

There’s a reason Diaper Genie is at the top of every new mom’s must-have list. From its Air Tite® Clamp and front-tilt bin for easier emptying to its 7-layer refill bag AND its Built-In Odor Controlling Antimicrobial system that makes for a sweeter-smelling nursery, there’s a poop-ton of reasons to love Diaper Genie.

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