7 Things I Learned From Trying Diet After Diet After Diet

That smell, that smell of patchouli, milled artisan glycerin soap made with cilantro, and fresh paper from the second mortgages people had to acquire just to shop there, are enough to overload even the worst head cold. But when it comes to diet trends, that place has it all on lock. They always have something important to tell me, and it’s usually about what I ingest: why I eat what I eat, why I drink what I drink, and why I eat who I eat. Not people, oh lord, no, but these sales consultants seem to think bacon is Wilbur. Bacon is delicious. Wilbur is fictional. Please don’t shame me away from bacon.

Too late. Ugh.

Sure, I know obesity kills, but I tried to explain to the sales girl that knives kill too, and that’s when they escorted me out. But not before I squirreled away all their pamphlets, their advice, and that awful smell, so I could bring it home to try all their diet suggestions with my own family.

Here are my results from test-driving all the new diet trends:

1. Clean Eating: If by “clean eating” you mean I eat the stuff my kids leave on their plates while I’m cleaning up the kitchen, then yes, I’ve been “clean eating” for a long time. I’m sure you have too.

2. Juice Fast: When the preschooler won’t consume anything but Capri Sun pouches. He’s like a little version of Gandhi, only hopped up on sugar and without a reason for his discontent—except that day the sky was purple, that day really pissed him off.

3. Gluten-Free: When I can plan, create, prepare and serve dinner without having to get off my gluteus maximus, it’s “gluten-free.”

“Hey, Mom, can I have microwave popcorn, pickles and a can of spam for dinner?”

“Sure, son, I’m right here on the couch, so it’s gluten-free.”

I’m getting so good at this “healthy” thing.

4. Plant-Based: While I’m eating cheesy scrambled eggs with a side of bacon, I just pretend it’s quinoa, kale chips and raw beets. Let’s face it: If I can’t get my kids to eat a medium steak because it’s red, there is no way they are going to touch a beet. That shit is Lady Macbeth-red.

5. 21-Day Fix: We follow this one a lot. When you fix dinner 21 days in a row and no one will eat a bite. We also call this the Pizza Hut fix—did you know that shit is gluten-free too? I just sit on my ass and it shows up.

6. Paleolithic Diet: This is when the children use dinosaurs as utensils to feed themselves chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. All while I drink a large glass of wine out of the belly of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Roar!!! I’m completely sure this was the inspiration behind Katy Perry’s hit song.

7. Breatharian Diet: My kids are really into this one because they don’t have to eat anything. And then after begging for candy hour after countless hour, they realize that meatloaf sounds much better than starvation.