Foster Mom Wants This 'Hellion' Dog Adopted As Soon As F**king Possible

by Julie Scagell
hank foster dog adopt website
Christine Clauder/PleaseAdoptHank.com

This dog adoption ad is honest AF

There’s a dog up for adoption and the foster mom is so tired of his shit, she’s created an entire website dedicated to finding him a home real quick-like. The ad is unlike most you’ll see for a pet adoption due to it’s expletive-filled nature and 100 percent complete and total honesty.

Christine Clauder, the foster mom of a 1-year-old mixed breed in Houston, wants Hank adopted because she’s tired. She also explained getting this dog adopted has been “like trying to find a Tickle-Me-Elmo during Christmas ’96.” It’s not that Hank isn’t lovable, he’s just very extra.

“His foster mom has several other critters which are tiny,” the website PleaseadoptHank.com reads. “After experiencing his always-on personality, they’re JUST NOT HERE FOR IT. We’re all tired of Hank. Not because we don’t love him, we’re just TIRED. It’s like he drank ALL OF OUR COFFEE.” You know it’s bad just by the use of all caps.

Interested parties should be able to match his energy (“maybe you’re into CrossFit”), but you have to be willing to train Hank to channel all that power into something positive. He’s 54 pounds of crazy “with eyes like the ocean.Unfortunately, that ocean also sank the Titanic.” He also “knows basic commands such as ‘sit,’ ‘down,’ ‘shake,’ and ‘why are you so fucking mental, stop chewing on that and get in your fucking kennel.'”

If you have kids, dogs, and cats already in the home, Hank may fit in. Or he may not. The ad simply reads, “It’s a possibility.”

Clauder also has reviews of Hank on the website, including, “If I wasn’t such a lazy shit my kids would love Hank,” and “This dog is a Peloton coach after a triple espresso.”

Like I said before, this ad is honest AF.

Some good things to note about Hank if you’re remotely interested in adopting him: “This asshole likes to keep you company, no matter what you’re doing,” she writes. “Cooking? He’ll fucking stand in between your legs and trip you up while you’re holding knives.”

Something to consider.

She’s also included a plethora of videos so you can see that he is kennel-trained, takes treats gently so you don’t lose an appendage, and that he has no balls. At least Hank won’t spawn other devil children that will also eventually need to be adopted.

Clauder told HuffPost that the site for Hank’s adoption made sense since she’s volunteered for the Houston-based rescue Abandoned Animal Rescue for the past eight years and, because she maintains their website, why not add a little extra for this very extra dog to get him adopted by the right family?

Someone please adopt this dog and share updates of his shenanigans for the rest of his life, which could likely be 20 years out of pure spite. Also, if anyone is interested in a creative writer with mad sales skills, Christine Clauder is also available for hire. She’s “currently unemployed and job-searching. Hint hint.”