Apparently We Need To Remind Folks Not To Put Popsicles In Their Vagina

It’s hot. Hotter than an asshole riddled with flaming hemorrhoids. It’s so hot that the other day when I walked outside (at 7:30 p.m., mind you), my sunnies fogged up and I ran into a pole. My kids have been frying eggs on my driveway. This kind of heat turns on my bitch-switch and I hate everyone and would do anything to stay cool.

WATCH: Your Vagina: What Can Go In & What To Keep Out

Well, almost anything. Apparently women are inserting popsicles into their vaginas hoping to catch a cool breeze. So many women, in fact, that doctors are urging folks to stop this nonsense.

FOLKS: it looks like we need to put out a reminder (again) that you should NOT be putting edible items into your vagina. Just don’t. As the song by Meatloaf goes, your motto should be: “No, I won’t do that.”

For the vagina-owners doing this, the goal of letting a frozen treat hunker in your bunker might be to cool you down in a jiff, but I have so much to say about it.

Please, y’all, PLEASE.

First, as a person who gets very excited to eat food (with my mouth), what a waste. I mean, your vagina can’t taste a succulent popsicle and really, don’t you cool off enough by eating one? Or five?

Better yet, why not eat one and let a few rest under your boobs to control the boob sweat? You could also set a box of popsicles on your thighs, or on top of your vagina (keep them in the wrappers), without the insertion bit. Really, all that dye, sugar, and high fructose corn syrup cannot be processed by your vagina. Not to mention how much it fucks your natural balance.

I’d rather be hot and have a naturally balanced vagina any day. Who’s with me?

Pee shivers would also be a fear of mine. These days, after having three kids, all I have to do is hear running water or wash my hands and my legs automatically cross themselves.

Not to mention, summertime is a season when just holding up a frozen sucker to my hood can cause meltage so I can’t imagine the frozen treat these women are clutching so desperately in hopes to cool themselves down a few notches is actually going to work to stay intact long enough to have an effect.

Oh! And what about the drippage? I can’t stand it when my hands are sticky from wrapping my smackers around a popsicle in a heat wave, I can’t imagine the fit I’d throw with some artificial flavored juice running down my inner thighs. Also, wouldn’t this mess attract flies?

We’ve heard of a brain freeze, but what about vagina freeze?

If you are tempted to try this anyway (you rebel, you), I want to paint a clear picture: Remember the scene in A Christmas Story where the poor kid is double dog-dared to put his tongue on the cold metal pole and it gets stuck there and he can’t talk and they have to call the fire department to unstick the skin from the metal object and his tongue gets wrapped in a huge bandage and everyone gets in trouble?

Let that vision be a vagina-popsicle blocker. The skin on your vagina is just as (if not more) delicate and sensitive and yeah, the popsicle can stick to it causing a whole number of problems that are far more painful and serious that just being hot.

Dr. Sarah Welsh, co-founder of HANX, tells Metro.co.uk “The vagina is composed of very delicate and sensitive skin. Hence, things that may seem innocent to other areas of the body, if they come in contact with the vagina, can cause infection, irritations, and damage,” she says.

Stand in front of a fan. Find a power air conditioner and drop trou. Take an ice bath, a cold shower, shove an ice pack in your unders. Find a squirt bottle. But please, for the love of your undercarriage, if you can’t stand the heat, don’t put a popsicle (or any other frozen treat) inside of your vagina.

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