Unfortunately, This Needs To Be Said, So Here's Some Rules For Public Easter Egg Hunts

I don’t know why all this needs to be said, but apparently very few of us know how to behave around free candy, so I guess we’re doing this.

Easter egg hunts should be fun.

They should be pleasant to attend, and everyone should want to come back next year for more free candy.

Easter egg hunts should not be chaotic shitshows where the afternoon ends in the whole neighborhood being under martial law.

Happy Easter, ya filthy animals.

No parents ruining this for everyone.

Do not, I repeat, do not, set foot in the designated hunting area. One toe over the line will put you on the receiving end of a carrot flogging. Your child does not need any additional muscle. The only reason any child needs their parent out there to protect them is because someone else’s idiot parent is out there snatching eggs and knocking down toddlers for some cheap-ass jelly beans. Do not be that idiot parent.

Tell your big kids to mind the little ones.

If your egg hunt isn’t separated into age groups, remind your older kids ahead of time not to be raging assholes for 90 seconds. Look out for the little kids. Maybe help them find a few eggs. Spread some Easter cheer. I know Easter cheer is not a thing, but make it a thing. No throwing elbows or sending a bunch of preschoolers flying when your big kid dives for an egg like they’re stealing first.

If I see one 7-year-old in the preschool hunt, I swear to Cadbury…

And if your egg hunt is separated into age groups, don’t make us start checking IDs. They’re separated for a reason. The youngest ones don’t know what the hell they’re doing because they only recently figured out how their feet even work, and they need ample space to bump into each other. The older ones are mostly used to using their feet and are therefore much faster. They belong in D1 and should be placed where the competition is at their level. Also, they’re not as cute, and they’re ruining all the pictures of the tiny ones.

You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.

Expectations should be low and encouraged to stay there. Maybe even lower. Every child should be made aware of the fact that they’re going to get some licorice-flavored jelly beans in their eggs. Some monster might shove a few SweeTarts in there. It’s not the end of the world, and they’re going to get better shit in their baskets on actual Easter. The hunt is just sport. It’s so the Easter bunny can check each kid’s stats ahead of the real thing and see who deserves a Reese’s Egg because those are a delicacy and a treasure. They only go to the kids that held their lives together.

Can we actually hide the eggs?

This is an egg hunt. Do not dump a million eggs in an open field and call that a hunt. It’s lazy, and it’s bullshit, and it’s insulting to the High Holy Hare. Hold your event somewhere that isn’t just a parking lot of grass and put in at least minimal effort to hide the damn eggs.

To the organizers: NO golden tickets.

Are you trying to create a stampede? This is not Black Friday. Do not hide amazing trinkets and toys out there in small numbers. Any rules in place will be thrown out the window, and you’ll be left with a bunch of YouTube videos of rabid adults, foaming at the mouth, and wrestling each other over the Hatchimal hidden among the now boring eggs on the playground.

No hoarding.

Another good pep talk for your kids on the way over: Thou shalt not be a greedy turd. Give kids a limit of some kind, or at least encourage them to help each other. Sharing is caring so share some loot and maybe take that kid with the empty basket and point them to a few shiny, plastic orbs of their own.

An Easter egg hunt does not need to escalate into anything resembling a Springer episode. Hang out with your friends and neighbors and talk about how cute the kids look, and let everyone have fun. At the end of the day, they’re plastic fucking eggs. Chill.