You know how if you are really thirsty, water just tastes so much better? Or, maybe you’ve gone some time without sugar and you take a bite of your grandmother’s apple pie and you aren’t just tasting it — you’re having an experience.
We all know the saying, “Good things come to those who wait,” and while I believe there are times that’s total bullshit, there is something to be said for tempting yourself with something until you are a bit uncomfortable, then giving in.
Not to mention working really hard to make something happen in your life is really freaking rewarding when it blossoms into fruition.
I try to explain this to my daughter: She loves shopping for clothes with the money she earns from her dishwashing job (I have no idea where she gets this, ahem) but also wants to save money for a car. Like many teenagers, she wants her wheels handed to her; as her mother, I explained that waiting and hard work will make her appreciate a car a lot more than if I just showed up with a new ride adorned with a big bow on top.
However, did you ever think this could apply to your sex life? Well, it does! Reaching the edge of orgasm, then stopping (also known as edging) can make your orgasms more explosive than ever.
I realize this might not appeal to you if you have kids and literally 20 minutes while they are entertained with a show. And of course once we fall into bed at night after a long day, a lot of us want to get off, then watch the back of our eyelids because we literally don’t have energy to dream, much less make sexy time last longer. But if you get the opportunity, it’s definitely worth a try.
So how do you play this edging game, and what’s in it for you? Allow me to explain.
Scary Mommy spoke via email with Dainis Graveris, a Certified Sex Educator and Relationship Expert at SexualAlpha, who had some great suggestions on how to get started.
First, you need to rethink your masturbation goals and make edging the focus, not the climax. “You should not just masturbate to relieve boredom or sexual pressure,” says Graveris.
Another important tip is to not look at porn or any kind of sexy photos if you are trying to edge. According to Greveris, this will help you focus inward, or on your sensations, which is the whole point.
Movies and pictures are actually outward distractions and take us away from ourselves. Edging familiarizes you with the different stages of arousal, so before you incorporate edging with your partner, Graveris suggests exploring your body and sensations by yourself first.
To start, set the mood. Turn down the lights, lock the doors, light some scented candles, turn on your oil diffuser, put on some music — whatever gets you relaxed and focused on yourself.
Next, Graveris suggests closing your eyes and fantasizing about someone (or something) that arouses you. Then, “Touch yourself until your vagina gets wet,” says Graveris.
Notice what happens once you become excited: your heartbeat gets faster, your muscles tense, your skin begins to flush, and blood starts flowing into your clitoris and vagina. “This stage is the excitement stage of arousal,” says Graveris.
It’s important to stay present and focused. The goal is on a scale of 0%-100% (50% being sexually excited, and 100% being an orgasm) to hover around 80% and then bring yourself back down to 50%.
You do this by stopping stimulation as soon as you feel you are nearing climax. “Take your hands away from your vagina or clitoris and keep the pacing slow,” says Graveris.
After practicing this a few times, bring yourself to orgasm and pay attention to how you are feeling and observe if your orgasm is longer or feels more intense.
Graveris says to make sure you keep sessions to 15-20 minutes; this doesn’t have to be a marathon event.
If you are looking to try this with a partner, Graveris says you must be vocal. “When you’re about to come, you can cue or tell your partner to stop the stimulation and focus on a gentler type of touch in other parts of your body. For example, your partner can stop licking or touching your clitoris and simply run their fingers along your thighs. They can also move to touch or kiss your breasts. Repeat these steps until you’re ready to come.”
And there are many perks to this practice, according to Graveris. “Edging boosts your awareness of your body and what it’s feeling. You become more in tune with your body and sensations that you become more confident about what gets you off and how to reach it.”
It can also help women learn more about their bodies and pleasure points when done solo.
“Aside from reaching orgasms, you can also achieve more powerful, longer orgasms with edging,” says Graveris.
I don’t know about you, but I’m happy to go hide in my closet for a bit of Mommy Alone Time for a few minutes a week if it means I’ll be able to have a more intense, longer orgasm. It’s definitely the kind of hard work I’m willing to put in to make my vagina happier.