From The Confessional: Be Glad These Embarrassing Moments Didn't Happen To You
As a kid, was one of your greatest fears being embarrassed? Like some asshole in homeroom telling everyone you got your period?
I for one lived in fear of those embarrassing moments, and I foolishly thought it would get better when I got older.
Well, as reason #862 of why adulting sucks, guess what? It doesn’t get any better. Shit still happens (sometimes it involves literal shit) and we still face mortification and embarrassment. We just also have to work and pay bills now. Neat!
So if you find yourself in an embarrassing situation, you’re not alone. Here are some… ahem… “memorable” examples from the Scary Mommy Confessional.
You know this wasn’t going to be the only MIL and/or sex story on this list. Let’s keep going.
“Accidentally sent MIL a sext meant for DH. She texted back to thank me for letting her know we’re enjoying a healthy sex life, but said, in the future, it really isn’t necessary to send her updates.”
“Had an explosive orgasm while DH was going down on me, and bucked up so hard I broke his nose. If we’re out together and someone asks him how he broke his nose, I have to quickly turn away and cover my mouth with my hand to hide my laughter.”
(Good work, DH!)
“Met my DD’s boyfriend’s parents two days ago. Twisted luck: Dad and I used to fuck our brains out in our twenties until I left for Europe for my PhD. Oopsie?”
(Oopsie is right.)
And while we’re here, let’s let the embarrassing sex toy stories continue…
“I threw away all of my broken vibrators (don’t judge) into a big black trash bag. Took it out to the road. An hour later I notice that the neighbors dog has torn the bag open and is running around with my big vibrator.”
As a good neighbor does.
“DH and I were once so tired from child not sleeping that we wrapped a vibrator in a clean sock and placed under babies mattress. It worked. The subtle vibrations helped baby sleep!”
Honestly, we all just need some fucking sleep. WHATEVER IT TAKES.
Parenthood provides unlimited embarrassment, doesn’t it? #blessed. Here are a few more we loved:
“My friend brought me candles and told me as nicely as possible that my house always faintly smells of pee. Mortified, but so grateful. THAT is a true friend.”
Thanks, kids! *cries
“I accidentally peed on DH the other night. 39 weeks pregnant with #3 and coughing fits…. He took it like a champ. I love him.”
Kids—challenging how much embarrassment we can handle before they even enter the world. But sometimes it’s the parents who do the embarrassing. Oops.
“Just reached in the fridge for the Easter dinner leftovers and found DD8’s lunch instead. That means I sent her to school with a dozen deviled eggs.”
“Pumping gas last night when the man behind me spoke up to say ‘Ma’am, you’re a little bit tucked in there.’ Yep…skirt tucked into my pantyhose and my butt exposed for all the world to see. Red with embarrassment!”
If it’s not our hair, it’s our ass hanging out.
“I just figured out that WHO stands for world health organization. I kept seeing it pop up and thought ‘Boy the band The WHO are really into this corona thing.’ Yeah… I’m 47.”
You learn something new every day! Thanks, Coronavirus!
And speaking of getting gassy…
“I’m the one that farted today in a workout class. Silent but oh so deadly & right in front of a fan. I could see people’s face twist in horror when the smell bitch slapped them.”
Sorry, I guess?
“When I was 15 my mom and my older sister accidentally walked in while I was masturbating. Mid-orgasm. While it was super embarrassing at the time, I have come to enjoy getting caught.”
Nothing like having your MOM walk in on you as a teen.
And if you’re trying to keep that spark alive in your relationship, maybe check the backseat first?
“Went to pick up my DH from work. I pulled up, rolled the window down and said, ‘Hey, baby.’ He comes up to the window and jokingly asks, ‘How much to suck my dick?’ He then notices the kids in the backseat. Oops.”
See? We all face the unthinkable. Getting walked in on by… our MIL. Our kids catching us mid-sexy talk. Or ripping ass in yoga class. If you’ve had to suffer through a major embarrassment, share it in our confessional! It’s anonymous, so your secret is safe with us.
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