There are moments when I look at my kids and think, “He (or she) can’t possibly be mine.” Usually this happens when one of them is having a major temper tantrum in the middle of Target or after they’ve asked the lady at the post office why she is so “large.” That’s not the word used, but…embarrassing. I wanted to crawl into the mail receptacle and send myself to Tahiti, where slushy cocktails await.
There’s NO way that kid could be mine!
Here are eight more times you’ll wonder if your kid is really yours:
1. When you catch them playing with their own poop.
Don’t wince. Trust me, shit does happen. Whether they’re sticking their little hands down the back of their full diapers or excitedly bringing you the surprise they just deposited into the potty, shit happens, people! Be prepared.
2. When they strip naked as you’re answering a knock at the door.
Now most visitors will laugh and totally understand your sudden crimson-colored skin. Others, however, are just too stuck on themselves to process that they’re kids. To them, shake your head and slam the door. They’re not worth the meltdown.
3. When they curse…
in front of your in-laws. On the phone, your kids are perfect angels. Grandma and Grandpa cannot wait to come see them. How fun it will be! Then five minutes into the visit, one of them drops the F-bomb. And that’s all you can think in your head, too: fuck. I mean, darn!
4. When they randomly grab, grope or hug a stranger.
You can do everything in your power to instill the old wisdom, “Never talk to strangers,” in your kids. But chances are, especially while they’re young, they’ll break this rule at least once. Hopefully it’s not around the lady with the double-Ds spilling from her tank top.
5. When they announce or repeat something personal in a crowded waiting room.
Like, “Mom just farted!” or “Daddy likes your boobs!” You can either laugh it off or pretend they’re not yours.
6. When they refuse to get into their car seats at the supermarket.
Or the department store, or any busy, dangerous place where people are coming and going…and staring. This is truly the test of any parent. It’s not like car seats are a quick drop, lock and go process. Oh no. Today’s car seats require several awkward yoga poses and a sprinkle of unicorn dust in order to get your kid in safely and be on your way. When they’re grabbing the sides of the door, wrapping their feet around the seat belt, and screaming, “I don’t wanna go!” louder than the lead singer of a rock band, it’s even more of a test. Keep calm. There’s a parent across the lot wrestling a kid with poop on his hands. You’ve got it easy!
7. When they sneak your cell phone and dial China.
Or your boss, or some unknown contact that somehow got imported from Facebook or Gmail (how the fuck does that happen?!). Just hang up. For the love of sanity, don’t even look!
8. When they spill their entire drink while dining at a restaurant.
Not once, but twice—because these mishaps usually team up and rip your last nerve out. If they’re not spilling their drink, they’re turned around goggling at the couple sitting behind you or dropping more food onto the floor than into their mouth. You’ll leave hoping that the high turnover for waitstaff really is true.
I’m sure I’ve missed nine thousand or more times that make you wonder if your kid really is yours. But these are some of the most relatable. All you can do is smile, remember that you’re not alone, and think to the future. One day, your kids might have kids and karma works in beautiful ways!