I Need Some BDSM In My Life, And I'm Not Sorry

I can’t say I became less attracted to my ex-husband after we’d been dating for six months, but I knew one thing: I wanted more aggressive behavior from him when we were getting it on. Our sex life, which was exciting and wild at first, seemed to be too much for him to keep up with, so I calmed down. I never told him about my fantasies of being tied up, spanked, or pushed against a wall and taken from behind without warning.

I put in minimal effort to spice things up because I was embarrassed by what I truly wanted. I was in my 20s, and looking back, I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed. I was taught men pursue women and women go along for the ride. Which, of course, is TOTAL bullshit. I know that now.

I realized I wanted a different ride in order to be turned on, but my last effort to communicate my needs fell completely flat and left me feeling awkward. While we were going at it, I started to talk dirty to him.

He laughed. He actually laughed out loud and killed the whole mood.

I was humiliated. I never brought it up again and I slogged through our sex life for another decade.

This wasn’t the first time I’d tried dirty talk and gotten the thumbs down from a man. It happened with my college boyfriend who later accused me of being “too crazy in bed” when I got a little explicit with him during sex one night.

After getting shot down while dabbling in dirty talk, why would I let any man know I wanted to be tied up, spanked, and bitten? There were times I felt like something was wrong with me.

I wasn’t a freak though. Well, actually, I am a freak… in the sheets. People prefer their coffee and steak a certain way. They prefer their sex a certain way, too.

I decided after my divorce I was going to find the sex I’d wanted to have for so long. Commitment or not, I wanted to get my rocks off in a way I never had before. I badly wanted some BDSM in my life (there are so many levels of this), and I was done not communicating it with a sexual partner.

Now in my 40s, I’m self-assured. With that comes feeling very clear on what I want, and I’m not afraid to say it. I know if I don’t, I’m going to lose interest in our sex life and intimacy is going to fizzle. Also, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be laughed at while I’m having sex with a man because I want him to smack my ass and talk dirty to me. If he can’t handle me, I will find someone who can.

There’s no need to repress my sexual desires. I’ve done it for long enough, wondering what my need for BDSM was all about. Now I know — it’s about me and what I like and what makes me feel like a sexy woman. I want it, I need it, and if I’m with a partner who tells me I’m “too much,” I know it’s not going to work.

Getting out into the dating world has helped me explore what I want, and it doesn’t take long for me to be able to tell if a man is going to be able to boss me around and pull my hair when I ask for it. I’m not half as interested in a man’s salary or whether he has washboard abs as I am if he can handle choking me a little.

Yes, I want to be in a relationship with a kind, good person who has boundaries and high standards for themselves. This is not an invitation to be treated like a trash bag.

Absolutely not. This is a consensual sexual act between two consenting adults. I have boundaries, and if they are not respected, there will be hell to pay.

I want to be treated like a queen. I want to be respected in general, but man-handled behind closed doors. I want both. I can have both. And I know I’m not alone; most are just typically too ashamed to talk about it.

I feel safer in a relationship where I can express my needs openly and my partner can do the same. I am looking for an energy that matches mine. For me, that means someone who will grab my belt loop as I’m walking by and tell me to get my ass upstairs so we can get to work.

I want to be pushed on the bed, tied up, and taken control of.

I want to be spanked hard.

I want to be dominated.

I want welts on my ass and bite marks on my nipples.

I want to explore my sexuality and not feel like I have to “behave” or hold back or keep my mouth shut.

I am in charge in every other area of my life. I can be bossy, I like to be to be in control, and as a single mother of three, I have to make too many decisions on a daily basis.

When I’m intimate with someone, I want to step outside all of my normal roles and be told what to do. I want to be blindfolded and not know what’s coming next because it turns me on in a way I’ve never experienced before. I deserve that, dammit.

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but as soon as it fades and becomes a huge chore, it kind of is everything. I need more than vanilla sex to keep me interested and I’m done apologizing for it. I’ve waited too long to get what I want, and I’m not getting any younger.

I understand the stigma around rough sex and BDSM, but it doesn’t mean you are less-than, have “issues” to take care of, or that you should expect to be treated poorly because that’s part of the package of satisfying these urges.

I’m now dating a man who holds open the car door for me, sings my praises in public, and tells me how happy I make him, but as soon as it’s time to get sexy, he knows I want smacking and biting most of the time.

It’s fulfilling as hell, and I’m glad I finally spoke up.