Worried Uncle Stu is going to bring up politics and set up World War III at the next family dinner? Sometimes the best way to break the tension is with a little humor. These jokes will keep the whole family entertained, from the kiddos to the grandparents.
1. Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
2. I asked my mom what I could get her for Mother’s Day.
She said she’d really like a doctor for a son-in-law.
3. Hell hath no fury like a mother who just caught her kid setting the dinner table with the good dishes.
4. Mom: (Noun) Person who does the work of twenty. For free.
5. Parental Truth:
To Mom: “I don’t feel good” “Where’s my sock?” “Will you make me a sandwich?”
To Dad: “Where’s Mom?”
6. Why is a computer so smart?
It listens to its motherboard.
7. A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?”
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
8. Sweater: Something you wear when your mom gets cold.
9. Sunday school teacher: Tell me. Do you say prayers before eating?
Kid: No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.
10. Why do mama kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because their kids have to play inside.
11. I saw Mommy asking Santa why he didn’t put his dishes in the dishwasher.
12. It’s not easy being a mom.
If it were, dads would do it.
13. Mom logic: If you fall out of that tree and break your legs, don’t come running to me!
14. What three words can solve all of Dad’s problems?
“Ask your mother.”
15. Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?
Mom: I don’t know. You’ll have to ask grandma.
16. My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it’s always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!
17. My dad always taught me to share my toys with my siblings.
It wasn’t that he wanted me to develop social skills, it’s because he was a cheapskate that wanted to spend 50% less money on toys.
18. Boy: “Dad, can you explain a solar eclipse to me?”
Dad: “No sun.”
19. Name someone who never hesitates to embarrass you in front of your friends.
20. Dad told mom he wanted to keep us every other weekend.
Mom reminded him that they were still married and he would have to see us every day.
21. Do dads always snore?
Nah. Only when they’re sleeping.
22. Son: For $20, I’ll be good.
Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.
23. Who makes the most money from Father’s Day?
24. Father’s Day is just like Mother’s Day.
Except on Father’s Day you buy a cheaper gift.
25. Father: Anthony, do you think I am a bad father?
Son: My name is Paul.
26. How do dads exercise when they go to the beach?
By sucking in their guts every time they see a bikini.
27. Becoming a father is easy.
Being one is a harder job.
28. How do you know your dad is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer, instead of one.
29. Everyone keeps wishing a Happy Father’s Day to “The World’s Best Dad.”
I hope everyone wishes their own dad a Happy Father’s Day, as well.
30. My professor asked everyone in class what book helped us the most in life thus far.
I chose my father’s checkbook.
31. I’ve heard that dads are like boomerangs.
I hope that’s true.
32. Why did the baby strawberry cry?
His dad was in a jam.
33. How did Vader know what he was getting for Father’s day?
He felt Luke’s presents.
34. Siblings are like built-in shoplifters, always taking stuff that doesn’t belong to them.
35. Wanna hear a joke about Sodium Hypobromite?
36. Sometimes people say they can’t tell me and my sister apart. Here’s a hint, I’m the pretty one.
37. What did Darwin’s son tell his siblings?
38. Having sisters is like living in Cinderella’s house.
I’m pretty, overworked and under appreciated, and they’re evil.
39. When I was a kid, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day.
Luckily, my big brother discovered it and helped me stay on track with the cure.
40. The oldest child always sets the bar.
Thank goodness you set it low!
41. Siblings: People you either plan to murder or plan a murder with.
42. Sisters are like psychiatrists.
They have no choice but to listen to your whining then turn around and rob you blind.
43. My twin brother called me from prison the other day.
He said, “Hey, do you remember when we used to finish each others’ sentences?”
45. Having an older brother really helped me learn how to be a better person.
When he does something good I copy it and when he does something bad I try not to laugh at him.
46. It never occurred to me how much my parents favored my twin brother until they asked me to pick up the cake for his surprise birthday party.
47. I’ve had a huge fight with my siblings.
A friend said, “That must be huge!” Really, it’s all relative.
48. What did the German boy say when he pushed his brother off the cliff?
Look, Ma — No Hans!
49. What do you call a cannibal who keeps taking bites out of their siblings?
50. What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?
51. When brothers and sisters get in trouble it’s like watching cats and dogs fight.
They trade jabs while their tales fly around.
52. What do you say to your sister when she starts crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
53. My sister thinks she’s so smart.
She said onions are the only food that makes you cry. I threw a coconut at her and proved her wrong.
54. I wouldn’t trade my siblings for the world.
I don’t have anywhere to put it.
55. If identical siblings are both interested in something, do they have twin piques?
56. My brother is my partner in crime.
Until we get caught, then he did it!
57. My sister has a hard time eating.
She can’t stop talking long enough to chew food.
58. My brother is my best friend until he tells on me.
Then, he’s my brother.
59. Big sister: I make the rules.
Middle sister: I’m the reason we have rules.
Little sister: The rules don’t apply to me.
60. Little brothers are like bop bags, you hit ’em and they keep bouncing back for more.
61. My sister hates it when I invade her privacy.
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
62. Let’s play Cinderella!
You can be the ugly step-sister.
63. Did the bionic man have a brother?
No. But, he had lots of tran-sisters.
64. What’s the difference between an all-you-can-eat restaurant and dinner at grandma’s house?
At the restaurant, you get to decide when you’ve had enough.
65. What do you call the lion who ate your mum’s sister?
66. Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?
She wanted to rock and roll.
67. What do you call your brother’s daughters with super powers?
68. A pregnant woman falls into a coma and doesn’t wake up until after her babies are born. She immediately asks the doctor about them.
“Your twins are doing great! You had a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you.”
Like any sister would be, she was quite displeased. “Oh, no. My brother is an idiot. What’d he name them?”
“Your daughter’s name is Denise,” the doctor began.
Mom was pleased. That wasn’t so bad. “And the boy?”
69. How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.
70. My Uncle used to say, “When one door closes, another opens.”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
71. My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother’s sister each Christmas at the family get together.
I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year.
72. My grandmother was a very tough woman.
She buried three husbands, but only two of them were dead.
73. My uncle was a circus clown. When he died everyone showed up.
In one car
74. What’s it called when you have your grandmother on speed dial?
75. It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system.
I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.
76. My grandma makes the best cookies. She makes them so fast.
It seems to only take her nana-seconds.
77. Why are ants so confused?
Because all their uncles are aunts.
78. My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he turned 60.
He’s 87 now and we have no idea where he’s at.
79. What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?
I don’t know. Ask your mom and her 16 siblings.
80. My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
81. After nearly 50 years, my grandmother has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.
She hid his teeth.
82. What do you call an angry French aunt?