Sorry, Dads and your Dad jokes but moms are pretty funny too. In fact, moms are not only hilarious but they can easily laugh at themselves. Whether they’re poking fun at motherhood or LOLing at the crazy things kids make them do, mom jokes are funny for the whole family. Which is why we rounded up the mom jokes and quotes that will leave you loving and laughing at your mom even more.
- Son: “Mom can I get twenty bucks”
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money Son:
“Well isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?”
- What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
- Daughter: “Mom, I need my personal space!”
Mom: “You came out of my personal space.”
- You know you’re a mom when…picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary
- Mother: (noun) One person who does the work of 20. For free.
- Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
- A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”
- Why is a computer so smart?
Cause it listens to its motherboard.
- Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!
- What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip)?
The internet, Telephone, Tell your mom.
- What do you call a small mom?
- “The majority of my diet is made up of foods that my kid didn’t finish.” Carrie Underwood
- “There are no rules in this house. I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” Mean Girls (2004)
- “How do I explain [my mom]? She is as respected as Mother Theresa, as powerful as Stalin, and as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.” Parks & Recreation (2009-2015)
- What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato?
- Why don’t mothers wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
- Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because his mom was in a jam!
- What did the momma say to the foal?
Its pasture your bedtime
- What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
- What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It’s time to go to sweep!
- Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Student: When my mother sees my report card!
- HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!
- GOLDILOCKS’S MOTHER: I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this Goldie?
- MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
- Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?
I don’t know dear, ask your grandmother.
- “If at first you don’t succeed…try doing it the way Mom told you to in the beginning.” Unknown
- “Mommy will think about it!”
Narrator: Mommy never did think about it. She knew it was “no” all along and just wanted everyone to STFU. Unknown
- “If you’ve never said ‘you need to back up a little so I can wipe myself’, do you even have kids?” @The Mother Octopus
- “I always remind my kids: having a weird mom builds character.” -Wellnessmama
- “I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.” -Mommy Owl
- “I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps…I love that one more.” Unknown
- Knock Knock
Adore you mommy!
- What did the Panda give his mommy?
A bear hug.
- What makes more noise than a child jumping on mommy’s bed?
Two children jumping on mommy’s bed!
- What kind of coffee was the alien mommy drinking?
- Knock Knock
Howard you like breakfast in bed mommy?
- Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom?
Because she left the phone off the hook.
- What did the lazy boy say to his mom on Mother’s Day when she was about to do the dishes?
Relax mom… you can just do them in the morning.
- What kind of sweets do astronaut moms like?
- What was Cleopatra’s favorite day of the year?
- “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” Erma Bombeck
- Mom: The amazing ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors, in the middle of the night, 3 bedrooms away… While daddy snores next to you.
- Never doubt a mother! She can carry a screaming Toddler, two gallons of milk, talk on her cell phone and still slap the shit out of you for looking at her crazy.
- Nothing is really lost…until mom can’t find it.
- “Did you know, when kids go to bed, you can hear yourself think again? I sound fabulous.” Paige Kellerman.
- There is a legend that if you take a shower and scream out loud “Mom” three times, a nice lady appears bringing the towel you forgot.
- “It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.” Stephanie McMaster
- “Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” Kelly Oxford
- “Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” Jenny McCarthy
- Knock Knock.
Omelet Mommy sleep in today.
- At my age I’m no longer a snack; I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids.
- Yes, please get a new cup every time you need water — said no mom ever.
- Silence is golden. Unless you have kids Then silence is suspicious.
- Licked a dark smear off my finger, and then thought, “Phew it’s chocolate.”
- I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
- Spit-up is new favorite accessory; no outfit is complete without it.
- I feel personally victimized by own daughter. I just want her to stop throwing crackers at me.
- I hate when I’m waiting for mom to cook dinner and then I remember that I am the mom and I have to cook dinner.
- Whoever wrote the song “Easy Like Sunday morning” did not have kids.
- When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.
- You know you’re a mom when picking up another a human to smell their butt isn’t only normal but necessary.
- My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
- I stubbed my toe and my Mom shouted at me for yelling, “What the duck!”
She was angry that I used fowl language.
- What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day?
- Why did they have to rush the mommy rattlesnake to the doctor?
She bit her tongue!
- “Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” Tina Fey
- “Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.” Amy Poehler
- “I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” Reese Witherspoon
- “No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” Chrissy Teigen
- Why did the mommy cat want to go bowling?
She was an alley cat.
- What color flowers do mama cats like to get?
- What warm drink helps mom relax?
- How do you get the kids to be quiet?
Say mums the word.
- Q: How do you keep little cows quiet so their mommy can sleep late?
Use the moooooote button.
- Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day?
Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it.
- Why did the mommy horse want to race on a rainy day?
She was a mudder.
- Why did the bean children give their mom a sweater?
She was chili.
- “My mom’s favorite Stevie Wonder song is, “I Just Called to Say Someone You Don’t Know Has Cancer.” Damien Fahey
- “My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ Paula Poundstone
- “I love when the kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.” -Just Surviving Motherhood
- “My kid is turning out to be exactly like me. Well played, Karma. Well played.” -House Wife Plus
- “My kids are never better friends than when it’s 30 minutes past bedtime and they won’t stop giggling.” -The Simplified Family
- “Remember when you first became a parent. And everything was so terrifying? Now you watch your kid lick the grocery cart and you don’t even break a sweat.” @She’s The Honest Mom
- “I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.” -Petite Bello
- “Is there any way to file a temporary restraining against a toddler? Just like 24 hours, maybe. 2 days tops. Asking for a friend…” -Just Surviving Motherhood
- “I just watched my child individually pick off and eat every sprinkle on the donut I gave her. She has the patience for that, but can’t wait 30 seconds for me to pee by myself.” @She’s The Honest Mom
- “When can we come see the baby? 4 am would be super helpful. Thanks.” -Just Surviving Motherhood
- “Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” Shonda Rhimes
- “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” Calvin Trillin
- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” Phyllis Diller
- “Every day when you’re raising kids, you feel like you could cry or crack up and just scream ‘This is ridiculous!’ because there’s so much nonsense, whether it’s what they’re saying to you or the fact that there’s avocado or poop on every surface.” Kristen Bell
- “Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” Julie Bowen
- “I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.” Anon
- “You know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” Jennifer Garner
- “Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.” Robert A. Heinlein
- “[Kids] are challenging. Wine is necessary. They’re great though,” Kelly Clarkson
- “Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” Ed Asner
- “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” Julia Roberts
- “I’ve conquered a lot of things … blood clots in my lungs — twice … knee and foot surgeries … winning Grand Slams being down match point … to name just a few, but I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” Serena Williams
- You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
- My nickname is Mom. But my full name is “Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.”
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