What Fathers Really Want For Father’s Day

by Michael Cavender
Originally Published: 

Image via Shutterstock

With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, I thought I would go ahead and open up the secret ‘man vault’ and tell every woman what every man really wants for Father’s Day. It’s not an expensive gift and it’s never sold out in stores. It is, however, the most thoughtful gift you could ever get him, and will provide a lifetime of special memories. A gift that is worth more than your mother’s weight in gold and one that he will remember as the best gift he ever received.

What is this incredible gift? A large cup of shut the fuck up.

That’s it, ladies. We want a day free of nagging, chatting, telling of extremely long stories that could have been summarized in two minutes, screaming kids, chores, errands, having to be awake, having to give up the remote control to the TV to whiny kids, trips down memory lane, any and ALL questions, in fact, make that any and ALL communication, peeing inside, eating inside with the family, shaving, blinking and any and everything else that consists of doing anything involving using energy and burning calories.

If your man likes beer, (I personally don’t drink beer), get him a case and have it on ice in a cooler next to his favorite chair. Keep in mind, you have to do this without talking.

To help you with proper Father’s Day etiquette, I’m going to show you all the schedule I have posted on the fridge in my house for Father’s Day…

NOON: Wake up

12:00 – 1:00 P.M: Shower, coffee and Redbull

1:00 P.M: Sit down in my favorite chair out by the garage

1:01 P.M: Turn on the radio

1:30 P.M: Pee behind the bushes

1:31 – 2:00 P.M: Have lunch (box of chocolate chip cookies and a Redbull)

2:00 P.M: Organize tackle box and practice casting across the front yard

2:30 P.M: Pee behind the bushes

2:31 P.M: Talk a stroll through the yard

2:45: Light yard waste burn pile on fire

2:50: Kill red ants

3:00 – 5:30 P.M: Nap

5:31 P.M: Pee behind fig tree (mixing it up a bit)

6:00 P.M: Eat Dinner outside by myself (hot wings and apple pie)

6:30 – 9:00 P.M: Play with some tools in the garage. Randomly cut wood and screw it together for no reason.

9:00 – Midnight: Watch whatever I want for a change

* Remember – to execute this perfectly, there has to be complete silence from you.

And that in a nut shell is what I call the perfect Father’s Day. Now feel free to tweak this to fit your Baby Daddy’s personality, wants and needs, but if you do this, you will have one happy and refreshed man to wake up to the next morning.

However, if none of this will work for your individual situation, you can always buy him a nice grill or smoker.

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