Five Reasons I Should Run The PTA

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Woman wearing a suit speaking on the microphone with the flag of the United States in the background...

2015 could be my year to rule. I’m picturing myself on the campaign trail. I’m super good at kissing babies and making up bullshit, so I’m in there, right? I’m already writing my acceptance speech and picking out my outfit for the big day where I get to put my hand on the Bible and solemnly swear.

OK, fine. I have a lot of practice swearing, but solemnly, people. Solemnly.

For those of you people who are all in to reality, facts and stuff, yes, I do realize that 2015 is not a presidential election year. My television viewing might be limited to Downton Abbey and whatever is on Disney Junior, but I do have a basic understanding of what’s going on in the world around me. I’m not talking about being president of the United States…puhleeze. I’ve got my sights set on a much more important position:

Head Bitch in Charge down at my local PTA. HBIC for short.

My kids are starting Kindergarten this fall. That’s a ways off, but it’s never too early to plan.

That’s right, I’m in it to win it and if you’re super lucky, I might have a spot for you on my campaign team.

I believe in jumping off the deep end. No baby steps. No alternate room mother for this girl.

That’s for wussies. Here are some things that will be cool at my school, if I’m elected, and stuff.

1. Yoga pants are in. Leggings passed off as pants and exposed bra straps are out. Violators will be dealt with harshly.

2. Wine will flow at the school carnival. Or the spring fling or fall frolic or whatever you call it. It. Will. Flow.

3. The phrases “whatssup, bitches” and “huzzah” will be acceptable and encouraged at PTA meetings and anywhere on school grounds that is reasonably out of the earshot of little ears. I have a pretty loose definition of “reasonably.”

4. Room mothers will have to undergo a battery of psychological testing. A battery is a lot, people. Power-hungry-I-need-to-be-in-charge-of-shit-outside-of-hamburger-versus-tuna-helper bitches will be plucked out like my stray chin hairs unless they’re down with the whole zigzag thing and ply me with really good wine. Then…well, still probably no.

5. If elected, we’re going to have to come to some sort of agreement on school fundraising. A begging moratorium if you will. I started getting tree-killing “your school needs your help” literature in my kids’ backpacks less than a week after they started pre-K. Pre-K, people.

I live in a good school district, but apparently my tax dollars don’t go toward funding the appropriate class gift for the teacher’s neighbor’s mechanic’s therapist’s birthday.

Ready or not, PTA…here I come.

Oh, and vote for me, bitches.

Related post: 6 Things I Learned as a Kindergarten Room Mom

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