Oh, yay! 4th of July! Can’t wait until my drunk-ass idiotic neighbors try to set up fireworks but fuck it up and have to call 911 after losing a finger. Or until my two-year-old is up at all hours for three straight nights while the town lights the sky on fire and then I’m stuck living with an overtired, emotional banshee all week long. Or until my kids beg us to take them to a fireworks show that includes hours of bumper to bumper traffic, everyone having to pee with one sole rank-ass porta-potty a half-mile away as our only option, and ending the night covered in sweat and in mosquito bites.
Can. not. wait.
If you, too, are kind of over (read: completely over) fireworks and our country’s obsession with burning shit and explosive devices all in the name of “freedom,” you’ll see if you scroll our confessional that you’re not alone. There are a lot of moms who are super all done with late night fireworks that keep their kids up, scare the shit out of their pets, and are the epitome of “lighting money on fire.”
We’re all set, ‘Merica.
Confessional #24886186“Why do people set off fireworks here?? It's ALWAYS FOGGY on the 4th. You can't see anything. It's just a loud waste of money. Dumbasses.”
Confessional #25818148“Fireworks are legal in my state, and it has me worried. Not that the kids will do something stupid and get hurt, but I could see DH being stupid and blowing his fingers off.”
Confessional #25737811“Bunch of assholes with their screens over their heads, in my face, FILMING fireworks instead of WATCHING fireworks. Same assholes who film dark rides at amusement park, lit-up screens spoiling the effect for everyone else. Did I say ASSHOLES?!”
Confessional #25812788“Fireworks can fuck right off. I fucking hate them.”
Fireworks are stupid, bring out the stupidity in others, and seriously make no sense. You can love your country without burning a hole in your lawn, Carl.
Confessional #24884431“I can't feign patriotism this yr and don't even like fireworks, but the kids love them. So DH took them for the usual festivities while I'm outside at a local taco bar enjoying a delicious, uninterrupted, hot meal and a book. Alone. Best. 4th. Ever.”
Confessional #15143833“Am I a bitch for saying no to attending this year’s fireworks!? I hate the heat...the fucking bug bites....my husband becomes an asshole about all the traffic to get home! Yet, they’re begging me to go with them. Fuck that! #BitchofJuly”
Confessional #15146844“Nothing could make me patriotic about living in this country. And all I think of when I hear fireworks is bombs, guns and war. 20 years of pointless, illegal, insane, war.”
Some of us are like nope, I’m all set. Call me the #bitchofjuly. Don’t GAF.
Confessional #25787682“If it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't have bought any fireworks or be doing any celebrating of any kind today.”
Confessional #24880696“I hate fireworks. Hate everything about them. Can't wait till the kids are grown and it's not my job to take them every year.”
Confessional #24856571“I couldn't care less about the 4th. Don't want to take kids to carnival, don't want to shoot off fireworks. Gonna have to suck it up and slap on a fake smile for them”
And then there are the moms who do it for the kids—because of freaking mom guilt—but they’re not happy about it.
Confessional #25787604“I hope it fucking rains all night tomorrow so no one will light off fireworks. My baby keeps getting woken up and I’m getting pissed off! PLEASE LET IT FUCKING RAIN TOMORROW!!”
Confessional #25280149“Fuck fireworks, and fuck the people who woke up my 3yo with them tonight. I.will.find.you.”
Confessional #25763477“Fireworks. I used to love them. Now I have kids...”
Confessional #24887461“9:50 and DS 10 in bed, baby is asleep again after being awakened by fireworks 5 times. Just loaded dishwasher, put laundry in dryer. Packing lunch for ds camp tomorrow. Need to fold clothes. Another HR before I can sleep. Just so tired. Need a break.”
Probably the greatest reason moms hate fireworks is because they keep their babies and toddlers up all night. And honestly, anything that does that—especially pointless, dangerous explosives—makes us breathe fire and shoot laser eye daggers at you.
Confessional #24880417“Ds6 is afraid of loud noises yet wants to see fireworks tonight. I hope they get rained out so I can avoid a kid meltdown. Sorry community, I’m selfish.”
Confessional #15147487“Took DS4 to the fireworks tonight. Loud booms made him cry uncontrollably then he made in his pants cause he was scared. I thought people always joked about scaring the shit out of someone. Never knew it could really happen. #disaster”
Confessional #7131697“Fireworks give me panic attacks. I purposefully moved to a city where they're illegal because I hate them. My neighbors set off fireworks all the time, and the police don't give a fuck.”
Confessional #24793839“I hate 4th of July. It's just an excuse for people to drink excessively and shoot off obnoxiously loud fireworks at midnight. The noise always sound like a monster is pounding on my door and scares the shit out of me. I have to suffer an entire week. FML.”
The kids are scared. We’re scared. What is the freaking point?
Confessional #25762601“Apparently, in my new city, you celebrate Xmas by shooting fireworks off at fucking midnight. Go to bed, assholes! Now I have to soothe my 80lb, senior Boxer mix, because he is terrified. I hope they all catch the worst norovirus they have ever had.”
Confessional #15145204“I am so over the loud fireworks that have been going off in my neighborhood for the past 5 nights. My dog is scared and has not stopped barking. I hope tonight is the last of them!”
Confessional #15144522“To the people in my neighborhood (fireworks are illegal here) setting off fireworks all week: fuck your for waking up my toddler, fuck you for scaring my dog, fuck you for triggering my dad’s PTSD I hope you get slightly injured with them”
Confessional #25838472“Worst thing they did was legalize fireworks where I live. Assholes around have been shooting them off nightly for weeks. Dog broke the storm door trying to get back in the house, baby is awake all night screaming, cops won't do shit”
And on top of everything else, our dogs are freaked the fuck too and are about to go into cardiac arrest. Please stop for the love of God.
Confessional #24969912“Drunk, redneck neighbor spent the weekend only blowing off fireworks at 2 a.m. Hey, you drunken lout, some of us bust ass and need sleep.”
Confessional #24936423“My neighbors keeps lighting off fireworks and it's almost midnight. Some of us have to work on Sunday so can they fucking stop. I hate people.”
Confessional #24887960“I really tried not to be the neighborhood grump this year, but seriously it’s past 11pm enough with the fireworks already!”
Honestly, we’re just really tired and would like some rest. Not like an hour of sleep here and there, only to be interrupted by what sounds like your roof is falling in. Like actual, real, peaceful rest. Because we have to work the next day. Or get up and be mom. Or both. So FFS, please shut down the ridiculous apocalyptic brouhaha and let the rest of us enjoy July 4th how we want to—with sleep. And with our kids preferably not shitting themselves in the middle of a bug-infested field. And with all of our appendages intact.
Happy 4th of July, everyone! Now shhhhh.