Notes I Should Probably Be Writing To My Children's Teachers

Kids can be wonderfully weird. Their active imaginations lead them to say the craziest stuff and ask the most bizarre questions. These traits are quirky and adorable when you’re at home with family, but what about once the creative little darlings start school? That’s when, as parents, we start thinking things like, Oh dear God, what if she brings this up at school?! Sometimes, with my talkative twins in pre-K and my chatty 3-year-old in preschool, I feel like I really ought to explain myself.

And so, here are some notes I should probably be writing to my children’s teachers:

RE: False claims of injustice

Dear Teacher,

Hi there! I just wanted to jot you a little note to let you know that regardless of what she says, I have never locked my 4-year-old in a tower. We don’t even have a tower. LOL! Also, I have no idea why she keeps saying, “Mommy’s going to take me to jail!” because, I mean, I’m not going to take her to jail. I’ve never threatened to take her to jail, and I’m not a law enforcement officer, so I have no authority to do that even if I wanted to. Although some days, believe me, I certainly wish I did, you know? Just kidding. I’m totally kidding. Anyway, just wanted to clear up the whole incarceration/fairy tale torture thing, in case she mentions it.

Have a great day!

RE: My alleged boyfriend

Dear Teacher,

Hey there! So this is a little awkward, but I wanted to explain in case my daughter brings it up in class, that I do not have, nor have I ever had, a boyfriend who lives on the other side of the world. What I do have is a cousin who lives in Hong Kong, and I guess you could say he’s my friend, but we barely keep in touch, and he’s my first cousin. My daughter has referred to him as “Mommy’s boyfriend” before, but all she means by that term is a “boy” who’s a “friend,” and again, to be super clear, he’s my cousin. My husband and I, for the record, are happily married.

Have a great day!

P.S. Just another clarification: My husband is not my cousin. The 3-year-old mixes the words “cousin” and “husband” up and has been known to shout out, “Daddy is Mommy’s cousin!” at random. And he’s not. He’s definitely, definitely not. Thanks!!

RE: Monday, Bloody Monday

Dear Teacher,

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry my daughter arrived at school this morning covered in blood. Well, I guess “covered in blood” is a bit of an exaggeration, but she did have blood on her face and shirt and I didn’t notice until she took off her coat and hat in the bright, mom-fail-illuminating lights of the classroom. The thing is that she’s quite the nose-picker, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, and the picking must have gotten a little aggressive this morning, resulting in some bleeding. I probably would have noticed the bloody mess before we left the house if I hadn’t been holding down her shrieking little sister to brush her teeth while her twin sister stomped around in one boot loudly proclaiming that she couldn’t put the other one on because it was giving her “a headache in her leg.” Anyway, I’ll try to make sure she looks a little less horrific tomorrow!

Have a great day!

RE: Santa’s “package”

Dear Teacher,

Good afternoon! It’s about to get pretty awkward again, but I wanted to give you a heads-up: My daughter won’t stop asking about the penises of fictional characters. Yesterday, for example, she wanted to confirm, several times, that since Santa is a boy, he does indeed have a penis. I’m sorry. I realize that no one wants to think about what sort of package Santa keeps hidden away in that fluffy red suit, but what are you going to do? She’s 4, and she doesn’t have any brothers, so penises are kind of a fascinating mystery. Oh and also, if she asks you about Winnie the Pooh, let me know what sort of answer you come up with. I mean, yes, he’s a boy, but he doesn’t wear pants, which makes it pretty clear that he doesn’t actually have anything going on down there. So frankly, I’m at a loss when she asks about Pooh’s, um, situation. Thanks for your help on this one!

Have a great day!

Luckily for me, all of my children’s teachers are kind, compassionate women who have a sense of humor (oh, these funny kids!). They get that kids are weird, and parents are weird, and that family life can be hilarious and imperfect. But I’ve still got these notes ready, just in case.