200+ Funny Life Quotes Dripping With Sarcasm And Wit

by Patricia Grisafi
Originally Published: 
funny life quotes
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When I was a kid, my parents gave me a book of quotations about life by famous curmudgeons. It was an excellent move on their part, as it showed that they wanted to nurture their daughter’s burgeoning sense of dry humor. When life kicks you in the face, having a sarcastic outlook or retort can soften its blow. The world is filled with many confusing and frustrating moments, and one of the only ways to push through is to keep the right attitude. A little cynicism never hurt anyone. Just take a look at all the literary greats and celebrities below that had sharp and sassy critiques on their own lives.

Life is funny and sometimes it’s hard to explain or understand everything you experience. Some days things are so bad, you can’t help but laugh. However, nothing gets you through the extreme highs and lows of this existence, like sarcasm. When facing trials, adopting an attitude of resilience is helpful, but embracing humor is a must. Sometimes, the only thing you can do during a rough patch is find a reason to smile. We get it. So we’ve curated the perfect list of dry and witty quotes that’ll make the hard days manageable.

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Sharing wit and wisdom about our confounding time on this rock called Earth can connect us, so bring your family together with these clean, kid-friendly, funny and inspirational quotes about life.

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Looking for more quotes to help you through your day to day? We have quotes pages for sadness, honesty, love, and more.

1. “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” — Ogden Nash

2. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” — George Bernard Shaw

3. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett

4. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” — Albert Camus

5. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson

6. “Always forgive your enemies — nothing annoys them so much.” — Oscar Wilde

7. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” — Billy Wilder

8. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles M. Schulz

9. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — The Dalai Lama

10. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” — Daniel J. Boorstin

11. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” — Denis Waitley

12. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” — Dorothy Parker

13. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

14. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” — Mark Twain

15. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” — Margaret Mead

16. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” — Mark Twain

17. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” — Oscar Wilde

18. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” — Thomas A. Edison

19. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” — Alan Dundes

20. “I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” — Maya Angelou

21. “Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.” — Will Rogers

22. “Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.” — Neil Gaiman

23. “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” — Dr. Seuss

24. “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a Ride!’” — Hunter S. Thompson

25. “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein

26. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling

27. “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” — Blaise Pascal

28. “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” — George Bernard Shaw

29. “If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.” — Marie Osmond

30. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” — Jim Henson

31. “Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.” — Ellen DeGeneres

32. “You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” — Yogi Berra

33. “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” — Oprah Winfrey

34. “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” — Reba McEntire

35. “A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” — Bob Dylan

36. “Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window. Or break down a door.” — Brooke Shields

37. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'” — Groucho Marx

38. “How many times do I have to teach you: just because something works doesn’t mean it can’t be improved.” — Black Panther

39. “It’s good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you.” — Margaret Cho

40. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” — Theodore Roosevelt

41. “It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.” — Agatha Christie

42. “If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.” — Confucius

43. “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” — Alice Walker

44. “Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” — Terry Pratchett

45. “Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.” — Farrah Gray

46. “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” — Maya Angelou

Short Funny Life Quotes

1. “The road to success is always under construction.” — Lily Tomlin

2. “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” — Rita Mae Brown

3. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” — Stephen Colbert

4. “I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde

5. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard

6. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” — Billie Burke

7. “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” — Mae West

8. “You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.” — Ethel Barrymore

9. “A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” — Frank Zappa

10. “I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.” — Winston Churchill

11. “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin

12. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” — Jack London

13. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” — Phyllis Diller

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14. “Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.” — Charles J. Sykes

15. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne

16. “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” — George Eliot

17. “Do one thing every day that scares you.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

18. “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” — Golda Meir

19. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers

20. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite

21. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” — Fran Lebowitz

22. “People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.” — Bill Murray

23. “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” — Robin Williams

24. “Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise.” — Stephen Colbert

25. “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” — John Lennon

26. “It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” — Abraham Lincoln

27. “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” — Dolly Parton

28. “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

29. “Nothing will work unless you do.” — Maya Angelou

30. “Humor is just another defense against the universe.” — Mel Brooks

31. “Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.” — George Carlin

32. “Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.” — Charles M. Schulz

33. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright

34. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” — Franklin P. Jones

35. “Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery

36. “Do, or do not. There is no ‘try.'” — Yoda, Star Wars

37. “Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first.” — Good Will Hunting

38. “The best revenge is massive success.” — Frank Sinatra

39. “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” — Walt Disney

40. “‎Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” — Voltaire

41. “My only advice is to stay aware, listen carefully, and yell for help if you need it.” — Judy Blume

42. “Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.” — Oscar Wilde

43. “If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that’s unacceptable.” — Carrie Fisher

44. “You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things.” — Ken Kesey

45. “Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.” — William Thackeray

46. “Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.” — Sam Walton

47. After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. — Shrek

48. “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” — Franklin Roosevelt

49. “Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” — Paulo Coehlo

50. “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” — George Bernard Shaw

51. “It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” — W. Somerset Maugham

52. “It is not our abilities that show what we truly are…it is our choices.” — Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

53. “Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath.” — Anonymous

54. “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” — Maya Angelou

55. “A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.” — J. Robson Koenig

56. “A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being ‘frank’.” — Robert Heinlein

More Short Quotes About Life

  1. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” — Don Marquis
  2. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” — Abraham Lincoln
  3. “A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” — William James
  4. “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” — Woody Allen
  5. “You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.” — Jim Carrey
  6. “I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde
  7. “To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” — Paul R. Ehrlich
  8. “I am only human, although I regret it.” — Mark Twain
  9. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” — Al McGuire
  10. “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” — Mark Twain
  11. “Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.” — Mark Withers
  12. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” — Richard Lewis
  13. “Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.” — Otto von Bismarck
  14. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” — Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  15. “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” — Robert Frost
  16. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers
  17. “Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.” — Enid Blyton
  18. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” — Woody Allen
  19. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx
  20. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” — Cynthia Heimel
  21. “Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” — R.D. Laing
  22. “I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.” — Jack Benny
  23. “Marriage… it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  24. “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” — Woody Allen
  25. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” — Bill Maher
  26. “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” — Woody Allen
  27. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
  28. “Man has his will, but woman has her way.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
  29. “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” — Oscar Wilde
  30. “All men are equal before fish.” — Herbert Hoover
  31. “Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” — Jessica Simpson
  32. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” — George Carlin
  33. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” — Mark Twain
  34. “Work hard, nap hard.” — Demi Lovato
  35. “Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.” — Tina Fey
  36. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” — W.C. Fields
  37. “There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” — Henry Kissinger
  38. “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” — Robin Williams
  39. “If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?” — George Carlin
  40. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” — John F. Kennedy
  41. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne
  42. “Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali
  43. “Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” — Ellen DeGeneres
  44. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  45. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” — Stephen Colbert
  46. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” — Bryan White
  47. “A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.” — George Santayana
  48. “I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.” — Bill Watterson
  49. “I like Kit-Kat unless I’m with four or more people.” — Mitch Hedberg
  50. “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” — Steven Wright
  51. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
  52. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” — George Carlin
  53. “Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” — Jim Davis
  54. “If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry
  55. “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald
  56. “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” — Oscar Levant
  57. “God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” — Naguib Mahfouz
  58. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” — George Carlin
  59. “I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.” — Pablo Picasso
  60. “Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.” — Oliver Goldsmith
  61. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” — Charles de Gaulle
  62. “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” — Charlton Heston
  63. “If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn’t type any slower.” — Mitch Hedberg
  64. “Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” — James Thurber
  65. “All generalizations are false, including this one.” — Mark Twain
  66. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” — Bill Watterson
  67. “Puns are the highest form of literature.” Alfred Hitchcock
  68. “Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.” — Dave Chappelle
  69. “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” — Marc Maron
  70. “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” — Voltaire
  71. “The road to success is always under construction.” — Lily Tomlin
  72. “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” — Rita Mae Brown
  73. “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” — Lawrence Ferlinghetti
  74. “You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” — Solomon Schechter
  75. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
  76. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” — Dale Carnegie
  77. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck
  78. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite
  79. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” — Will Rogers
  80. “You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.” — Ethel Barrymore
  81. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny, or they’ll kill you.” — Billy Wilder
  82. “I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” — Drake
  83. “God is at home; it’s we who have gone out for a walk.” — Meister Eckhart
  84. “Sane is boring.” — R.A. Salvatore
  85. “Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.” — George Carlin
  86. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” — Woody Allen
  87. “Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.” — Spanish proverb
  88. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill
  89. “Accept who you are unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres
  90. “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” — Mark Twain
  91. “To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” — Doug Larson
  92. “Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” — Tina Fey
  93. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” — Ambrose Bierce
  94. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin
  95. “As the wise man once said, ‘So?’.” — Will Ferrell
  96. “Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.” — Will Ferrell
  97. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” — Oliver Hardy
  98. “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” — Yogi Berra
  99. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” — George Carlin
  100. “Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.” — Unknown
  101. “Sometimes, I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap eight people at once.” — Unknown
  102. “If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?” — Unknown
  103. “If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.” — Unknown

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