The funny parents of Twitter feel our exquisite pain and understand what it’s like to toil away fruitlessly, so put down that pile of laundry and laugh for a few minutes at the sad reality of trying to have a clean house with kids around.
1. And that’s exactly three minutes too long.
Like parents don’t already do enough awful shit in a day and then, laundry and dishes have to happen too? Three minutes is plenty enough.
2. Maybe stare for 10 hours instead.
You do the laundry and it seemingly replicates overnight like bunnies. Some days, staring out the window and crying seems like the only choice.
3. That marinara is not coming out.
They’re going to destroy your home anyway. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
4. Seriously, why do we bother?
Long story short? Yes.
5. They will actually hand you a mess.
No matter how much you clean, kids will be swift to create new damage. Like, here daddy, have this chewed up gum. Or this McNugget box from last spring that I found next to my car seat. Touching garbage is pretty much your life now. Embrace it.
6. It’s not always the kids’ fault.
Multitasking is a thing when you’re a parent. A little Cheeto dust on your kid’s shirt is collateral damage. The key is blaming them for it.
7. Something might be crawling.
You pull up the cushion totally convinced you’ll find a colony of bugs feasting on a buffet of Goldfish crackers, fruit snacks and Cheerios. That, my friends, is called parenting.
8. The worst chore of all.
Getting a new family sometimes sounds less messy than confronting all the dried-up pee puddles behind the toilet tank.
9. Living the dream, you guys.
Fridays used to mean something. Remember when Fridays used to mean something?
10. Gotta have a plan.
Just the first part is fantasy enough for most of us.
11. Can’t. Cleaning up toothpaste until 2027.
What is with the blobs of toothpaste absolutely all over the place? Is it THAT HARD to just get it on the toothbrush?
12. A half-ass job is better than nothing.
When all you want to do is veg out on the couch and play on your phone, shoving your kids in a cabinet begins to seem like a viable option.
13. This actually sounds kind of awesome.
He’s basically living the dream. Just hang up your jacket first, kid.
14. You have to be kinda ruthless.
Get a little tricky and you too can have your own mini cleaning crew. Yes, it’s magic. Whatever. Keep scrubbing.
15. And then reality sets in.
Basically, the truest thing ever said.
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