The Funny Parents Of Twitter Talk Grooming After Kids

by Valerie Williams
Originally Published: 

You heard before having kids how hard it can be to get dressed and do your hair or makeup with a little one around. You might have rolled your eyes and thought how ridiculous that is. “Of course I’ll find time to take care of myself,” you think smugly. And then, your baby comes. And they hate to be put down. They scream bloody murder when you put them down. So, just getting a shower becomes a juggling act and low and behold, your standards change.

But it’s not just the early infant days that make having kids and a beauty routine difficult. Showering, shaving, putting on makeup, blow-drying your hair and putting together outfits that are more complex than yoga pants and a t-shirt is hard. It’s time-consuming and sometimes frustrating. There are some days where you’re proud you’ve brushed your teeth and have on clean clothes and if this is you, these tweets from the funny parents of Twitter will help you know — you’re not alone.

1. Business on top, snowman pajama pants with a hole in the crotch on the bottom.

Were truer words even spoken? When you know day after day that you’re probably only going to be visible from the shoulders up, it alters your wardrobe decisions. And it’s then that your life in lounge wear can begin.

2. Plucking is literally futile.

Mother. Effing. Chin hairs. If we were half as strong and persistent as these little iron assholes, the world would be our oyster. What is it about pregnancy that makes them arrive for some of us and never go away? They’re worse than a toddler hopping into your bed every ni- oh wait, never mind. Nothing’s that bad.

3. Who lives in a pineapple and keeps your legs silky smooth?

When your preschooler decides to play arts and crafts with your beloved container of shaving cream, what’s a girl to do? Smell like bubblegum, apparently.

4. We pull out all the stops.

When they’re going to shine that bright light up your special place, it provides a brand of motivation to trim things up that sex with your husband simply cannot. But here’s a thought — schedule a date night right around your annual pap. Two birds, and all.

5. Well. Isn’t that special.

It’s like, the final insult. You get pregnant, gain weight, your boobs change, you grow chin hairs — and after all that, your fucking bladder gives up on you. Now, every sneeze is a gamble and possible reason for needing new pants several times a day. Oh, the joys of motherhood.

6. Miracle of miracles.

And that deforestation takes so long that by the time you’re done, your kids have probably gone feral raccoon on the kitchen and you’ll emerge from the shower to total chaos and cereal all over the floor. But smooth legs, though.

7. You can pry them from our cold, dead hands.

It’s a universal truth of motherhood that one need not ever try yoga even one time in order to have a whole wardrobe of these stretchy little saviors. And to be fair, isn’t crouching to reach under the kitchen table and retrieve the stray head from a LEGO mini figure a yoga pose anyway? Downward Facing Desperate Mom? Whatever. Yoga or not, the pants stay.

8. It’s a little Gary Busey-esque.

This actually happened to me on New Year’s Eve. The future is stupid. But hey, a little extra volume at the roots (and a few handfuls of lost hair strands) never hurt anyone.

9. The truth hurts.

When they’re used to your yoga pant uniform, kids might show a little wide-eyed amazement if you apply some lip gloss and put on (shudder) real pants. It’s a little hurtful to hear that they notice the sad state of your appearance, but whatever. They still need help wiping when they poop. You’ll always have that. 10. Because it bears repeating…

Seriously, post-pregnancy chin hairs. Eff off. No one likes you. But deep down, you know you’re kind of weirdly fascinated with that one random long one. Mom status: achieved.

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