Before you had kids, Valentine’s Day was a fun holiday for you and your partner, full of sexy surprises. Or at the very least, a restaurant meal where no one needed their food cut up or help wiping their butt.
Those days are long gone now that you have kids and unless you want to shell out money for a babysitter and an expensive Valentine pris fixe menu served by a bitter waiter who would rather be with his girlfriend, you’re probably not planning on anything terribly romantic. And that’s fitting, because your kids are center stage now with the Valentine’s shenanigans.
After all, they’ll have the class party, where you probably have to send in a treat. They’ll need to (painstakingly) fill out cards for the whole class and you’ll be stuck at the kitchen table for what feels like an eternity while they write out every. last. one. The party’s over. And these funny parenting tweets capture exactly how it goes when you celebrate Valentine’s Day with kids.
1. Because, let’s be real.
Once you get that quiet time without the kids, what’s your first move? To check your phones, of course. Nothing more romantic than the glow of the screen illuminating your true love’s face.
2. You’re doing them all a favor.
These couples should be buying you dinner, really. You’re providing a helpful service to humanity. Like a walking, talking, whining, food-spilling PSA.
3. We’ll never learn.
We probably need to accept once and for all that men and boys don’t care about this holiday the way some of us women do. For the most part, they literally don’t give a shit.
4. The best part of parenting.
Your kids are walking candy magnets. Easter, Halloween, Christmas and hell yes — Valentine’s Day. They bring home quite the windfall and it’s your privilege — nay, your duty — to consume most of it. You don’t want them rotting their teeth and eating too much sugar. Heavens no. You’re doing the right thing.
5. Didn’t we just finish last year’s?
If you ever have a need to actually stop time, have your kindergartner carefully print out his own name 22 times. And then, the names of his 22 classmates. It will feel like 17 years has passed once he’s finished, and that’s assuming he doesn’t have a fit part-way through, leaving you to do it all.
6. Tis the season!
It’s kind of ironic that a holiday centered around love and affection is smack dab in the middle of winter and flu season. Coughing is pretty much the background music of most elementary school classrooms this time of year, so expect a bunch of germs to be attached to every single treat and card your kid brings home. And get out the Clorox wipes.
7. Seriously. Why?
Preschool Valentine exchanges? What fresh hell is this? They can’t read. They can barely write. Might as well have some fun with it.
8. Get ready to be up until at least 11 pm.
You’ve finally recovered from the sugar crashes resulting from Halloween and Christmas and now, this? Pry the last of the candies from those sticky little fingers and gird your loins — it’s gonna be a long night.
9. When he cares enough to get the very best.
And after suffering through making this romantic holiday special for your small children, there’s only one thing left to do. Hopefully, one of you thought ahead and made the most important purchase of the season.
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