We’re in the thick of fall, parents. And you know what that means — apple picking, pumpkin patches, and corn mazes.
It also means tantrums because your kid can’t find a perfect pumpkin, tantrums because you won’t let your preschooler scale an apple tree, and tantrums because your toddler doesn’t want to leave the corn maze.
Don’t get us wrong, fall does include some fun, but like anything else with kids, it includes some misery too. Good thing we have the funny parents of Twitter to make us laugh through the nonsense.
1. Like, anything else.
We could go get the oil changed on both cars. Or attend a round of kiddie birthday parties. Or attend a round of kiddie birthday parties with no alcohol.
2. They learn eventually.
When you see her at the kitchen table, fake foliage flying, furiously glue-gunning, just stand back and prepare your thoughtful remarks. It’s for everyone’s sake.
3. Resistance is futile.
I’ve seriously considered investing in a set of horse blinders so I can confidently stride past the dollar section and not buy a whole set of scarecrow-patterned cloth napkins I’ll literally never use.
4. That shit is so seasonal.
Nothing says family fun like a sobbing baby propped up against a display of gourds. *Click.*
5. Like watching paint dry.
They’ll eat a fruit snack covered in sock lint and dog fur, but no pumpkin meets their exacting standards. Of course.
Every year, we throw out the rotting produce. Ever year, we buy it all over again. Definition of insanity, thy name is parenting.
7. Not all of us are participators.
I typically buy several pumpkins and never end up carving them, so there’s that.
8. Not a word.
It’s an exhausting and multi-step process convincing your social media following that you fucking love fall. Let the process work.
9. Thanks, global warming.
All these adorable flannel shirts just collecting dust while our tank tops go into overtime, but at least we have ice cream.
10. Welcome to the future, y’all.
Choose your wording carefully, parents. Very very carefully.
11. A damn bargain.
But you could be kid-free for ages until he finds his way out of that corn maze, so really, this is the deal of the century.
12. Yes, but was he wearing an infinity scarf while eating it?
Because every family member should be included in the festive fun.
Happy Fall, parents!
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