Do you enjoy mud? Do you also enjoy giving up most of your weekends to sit on uncomfortable bleachers while drinking crappy concession stand coffee and listening to your kid whine that they’re cold? Then youth sports might be for you!
OK, not for you, for your kid. But make no mistake — you will be heavily involved. Having a child enrolled in a sport can be a huge commitment and we’re mostly talking about what it takes to simply get them out the door in the correct clothing to get to practice on time. From keeping track of equipment to begging them to stay on the field and stop “taking breaks,” your kid’s sports career will rely on you a ton, so laugh about the drudgery with the funny parents of Twitter.
They should warn you in sex ed about all the early Saturday morning sports.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) June 6, 2015
Drag a freshman health class on a little field trip to an 8:00 am soccer game on a Saturday. See how much sex happens after that.
2. Bring a sleeping bag.
My kids are in different age groups for spring soccer, so I'm at the field today and I'll be there tomorrow and I guess we live here now.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 2, 2017
At least it’s the same field. Right now, my husband and I are on opposite sides of town texting each other updates and whining that we’re cold. OK, that last part is just me, but whatever.
3. Oh shit, it’s Wednesday again?
There's nothing like a once-weekly extracurricular activity with a designated shirt to remind you just how infrequently you do laundry.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) April 15, 2017
After years of being a sports mom, I can tell you we go through a fuckload of Febreze every season. That’s a pro tip you guys are all welcome to steal.
4. Yes you are. We all are.
I'm not one of those crazy….GO YAY HIT THE BALL STOP PICKING THE TREE LISTEN TO THE COACH!!!….T-Ball parents.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) February 19, 2016
It’s hard not to get swept up in the competitive spirit but let’s keep in mind that most of the team hasn’t yet mastered wiping their butts independently. Expectations need to remain in check.
5. So inspiring.
I'm a good little league coach. For example, when a kid drops the ball I angrily yell important tips like "COME ON! CATCH THE BALL!"
— keith (@tchrquotes) September 17, 2015
Coaches are usually just parents going the extra mile, so as long as there’s no F bombs floating around, this sort of encouragement is fine by us. And if an odd F bomb slips out? We understand.
6. YES PLEASE.
My kingdom for my son's soccer, baseball and lacrosse coaches to agree on the same damn pair of socks for all the uniforms all year round.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 18, 2016
I literally just organized our sports socks collection this week and we have an entire fucking rainbow’s worth of colors. Oh, except the color my son needs for baseball this season. Of course.
7. There’s always next year.
Right now my son is pretending to remove his leg hair with stickers but maybe next year he'll get into sports
— Sweatpants Cher 🔶 (@House_Feminist) July 25, 2016
Not every child is an athlete but we do need skilled estheticians to help us combat our old lady chin hairs. Keep practicing, kiddo.
Turns out yelling "grab your balls, kids, it's time to go!" when soccer practice ended was a bad choice of words.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 16, 2015
See, now this just seems like the kind of thing you’d have to do to survive youth sports.
9. *shakes head slowly*
*Halftime of 1st soccer match
6yo: Next time I need to bring a chair.
Me: Players don't sit on chairs during a game.
6: This is a game?
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) September 12, 2016
Just go ahead and flush that $75 registration fee down the soccer field porta-potty. It’s quicker and more painless than suffering through the whole season.
10. Such a free spirit.
You know that kid on the field who's too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He's mine, and he's not even on a team.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@MiddlingMs) May 4, 2017
We all know this kid. Hell, some of us were this kid.
My Yeti thermos is too big for the cup holder in my folding chair and my soccer dad cred has never been more imperiled.
— Ricardo 'Rich' Cromwell (@rcromwell4) April 1, 2017
Hopefully, no one noticed.
Everyone has practice so we can either have dinner at 4:30 or 9:00.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 1, 2017
“Isn’t this nice?” you say to your husband as everyone stands around the kitchen in the dark shoveling Digiorno pizza into their mouths while the scent of baseball socks and filthy cleats permeates the air.
I just want to be successful enough to sign my kids up for baseball without asking how much it costs.
— erik (@ericsshadow) November 18, 2015
Because the registration fee may seem like no big deal until you add up all you need to spend on equipment (that they’ll outgrow each season) plus, tournament fees, team snacks and the trophy. Yes, sometimes you get to fund that too. Bye bye retirement account!
14. Because, priorities.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 15, 2015
Gotta keep your head in the game, kid. Then, we feast on burritos the size of your head.
Good luck this season, parents!