When your kids start playing sports, you might be kind of excited. Hey, this is it! After endless diapers, sleepless nights and toddler misery, they’re finally going to do something entertaining. So you sign them up for a sport, full of anticipation — this is what being a parent is all about, right? This is the fun stuff. This is what you’ve been waiting for.
Except it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it can be downright awful at times. Terrible coaches, bored kids, mud, crying kids, mud, whining kids, mud, and a whole host of other things that pretty much suck. For every fantastic highlight there are about a dozen low points where you’ll want to pack up your bag of balls and go home. But don’t fret, because the funny parents of Twitter are here to make you laugh while sitting through three hours of t-ball slurping wine out of your travel “coffee” mug.
1. Maybe even start packing the night before.
In lieu of an adult life, you’re now a chauffeur, snack assembler and cheerleader. Bring a comfy camp chair, it’s going to be a long day.
2. Tell me more.
One of the first lessons you’ll need to learn as a Sports Parent is that aside from family and close friends, literally no one else will give a shit that Junior shaved three seconds off his breaststroke time and is totally headed to the state meet. This includes fellow parents. Considering we already have to live through this with our own kids, especially other parents.
3. Sometimes, we get a little carried away.
You know you’re in need of a kiddie sports detox when you start getting a bit too competitive in other areas of life.
4. It’s all part of the fun, kids!
It’s cold and rainy but they’ve gotta keep their heads in the game. You, however — you can bundle up in a cozy sweatshirt under three blankets with a hot coffee thawing your hands. Hypocrisy has never felt so warm and toasty.
5. Daddy will call your teammates a “little shit” too, son.
After half a season of watching precious Aiden run circles in the dugout kicking up a cloud of dust that makes everyone cough, no one will blame you for telling him to sit the hell down. Well…I wouldn’t blame you.
6. Intimidation is key.
Oh, you’ve never been the parent of the kid who caused the entire pool to clear out because he pinched off a tiny turd in the water? Aren’t you fancy.
7. You’ve gotta win that office FitBit challenge somehow.
You need an extra 4,000 steps to beat that bitch Karen from reception, your kid who’s about to run in circles for an hour thinks it’s a cool new bracelet. Win-win.
8. Prepare for everything.
With kids so little they barely remember what goal they’re supposed to be scoring in, flying balls can be a real hazard. It never hurts to protect yourself.
9. No pressure, guys.
Being up at dawn for your kid’s game can be pretty embittering. A win at least makes it feel worthwhile.
10. Seriously, why do we bother?
You think you’re teaching them something valuable and that they’re really starting to get it. And then you find out you could be taking them to the grocery store every Saturday morning and they’d hardly notice the difference. Parenting equals insanity.
11. The fury is real.
Watching your kid lose or get hurt will turn you into an even more spastic version of yourself than you thought possible. Deep breaths. And lots of Travel Coffee Mug Chardonnay.
12. You start to wonder if you’ve been had.
When you realize you’re transporting your kid to the soccer field every Saturday so they can simply take their flower-picking and Goldfish cracker-eating habits on the road, it starts to feel a bit farcical. Yet, you persist. Insanity, thy name is parent.
13. Comes with the territory.
The sacrifices we make as parents. They know no bounds.
14. You’ve gotta be proud.
Our kids can’t all be winners but they sure can pick winners. I’m here every Thursday, hey-o.
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