The Funny Parents Of Twitter On Why Kids Are Absolutely Disgusting

by Valerie Williams

Nothing can quite prepare a parent for the deluge of disgusting shit that results from living with children. After all, how can something so adorable be so nasty? Boogers on most household surfaces (and your clothes,) pee on the toilet seat, poop pretty much everywhere, and don’t even get us started on the puke.

Oh, there will be puke. So much friggin’ puke.

Gross things are part and parcel with the whole “having kids” life choice, so parents tend to get used to the constant presence of bodily fluids pretty quickly. They also learn that laughing about that baby shit under their fingernail is the best way to get through it. Enter the funny parents of Twitter, who know a thing or two about just how repulsive our sweet little angels can be.

1. There’s one way to make an impression.

Welcome to parenting. Hope you like snot.

2. Picky, picky.

They’re discerning when it comes to food, but small children will put any number of non-food items in their mouths that have no business being there. Please don’t make me tell you about the time my toddler daughter ate a toenail clipping. Please?

3. *gags audibly*

When you hear your baby wake up over the monitor but they don’t cry you might think, “Awww, she’s happily playing by herself!” Nope. Probably just painting the nursery walls with poop.

4. One of the few guarantees in life.

When you have boys, you spend a lot of time plugging your nose. And rubbing your temples slowly trying not to lose your shit. Why can’t they just pee in the damn toilet? Why?

5. A potent blend.

Of course it would be in no way relaxing once lit either. It might even start wailing and leaking snot all over your nice sweater.

6. Duh.

Forming a sentimental attachment to body fluids will seem really abnormal and totally gross…until you have a potty-training toddler.

7. You do you, little buddy.

Sometimes, you just have to admire their gumption. They have literally no shame. We could all learn a thing or two. While scraping dried-on boogers from the walls, of course.

8. Lies. All lies.

Have a bucket in every room of the house. And every vehicle. Trust no one.

9. Skidmarks galore.

The poop problems don’t end once the diaper days are over. Sorry to be the bearer of shitty news.

10. College didn’t prepare you for this.

You thought you saw a lot of barf at the Delta Sig house? Have kids.