Grandparents, Please Stop Sending Our Kids Back A Hot Mess

I understand that the people who need to see this probably won’t, as they’re still trying to figure out how to take selfies of their entire face and not just the top half. So I need all of you to do me a favor: please call them up on their land line and dictate this to them or print it out and mail it or translate it into Morse Code or send it by pigeon courier…I don’t care. Just make sure they get the following message:

Stop sending these kids back to us bad as shit. I dropped off a decently mannered, well-groomed, schedule-having kid and you returned to me Junior from Problem Child.

It’s not uncommon, especially for those of us who live far away, to send our children for a few days, a week, or maybe even the summer, to spend some time with their grandparents and other family. I love when my daughter gets to visit with family she normally doesn’t get to see and I am especially grateful for the break and alone time it gives my husband and me. However, without fail, each and every time, she comes back turrible (not a typo). I mean silver capped teeth, snotty nosed, hand on hip sassy pants turrible.

I get it. I understand grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids. Cool. Love it. But don’t you think you guys are taking it kind of far? I mean just F everything we got going on over here, huh? No schedule. No manners. No diet. Why is my two-year-old watching Trolls at 3am? Why has she not brushed her teeth today? Why did she have chocolate-covered pretzels and jalapeño kettle chips for dinner? And while I’m asking questions, who are you people? When did you become fun? You made me eat my veggies, brush my teeth 3 times a day, and go to bed by 8 pm.

It has got to stop. Please. It literally takes us a week to de-program my daughter. And even still, there’s remnants of the damage her grandparents have done. The day after my daughter returned from spending a week with her grandparents I took her with me to run some errands. Big mistake. She literally flung herself on the floor of Target after I told her no, I would not be purchasing the assorted bulk candy mix for her consumption.

I’m quite sure that she hadn’t heard the word “no” during her entire stay with her grandparents, so for her sake, I’m going to assume that her tantrum was an involuntary reaction, over which she had no control. Y’all, I had to literally peel my two-year-old off the floor of Target.

So all I’m asking grandma and grandpa is for you to please just stop and think of the pain you’re putting us through. The pain you’re putting your own beloved children through. I mean if we really want to get technical, your loyalty should lie with us.

I know you want your grandbabies to love you and trust me, they do. They think you’re the most lit grandparent ever. You’re the best. Number 1! You rock! Now, just take it easy. For us. Please.