Okay, moms and dads, it’s time for a reality check. We grandparents need you to know the truth.
1. We don’t want to watch your kids all the time. Yes, we love our grandchildren dearly, probably more than we love you. There, I said it — or at least differently than we love you. But we do not want to baby sit all the effing time! We raised our kids. That ship has sailed. Sorry, dear, it’s your turn now.
2. We don’t agree with your parenting style either. When you leave your kids in our care all the time, for free, don’t leave us with a list of rules to follow. We have raised a kid or two or three and can handle this just fine. We don’t care if you don’t like our parenting style. We don’t like yours either.
3. We lie and say we are out of town. Yep. Truth be told. We don’t want to babysit today.
4. Your kids tell us everything. We know you and Daddy are fighting and what about. We know baby No. 4 is on the way long before you’ve got the balls to tell us. We know you don’t like us.
5. We feed your kids junk food and give them everything they want. You already knew that, but we do it because it’s the only way to shut your rowdy little shits up. Not out of love.
6. We laugh when your kids act up for you. Come on, you have it coming. Karma, baby.
7. We buy them toys that will annoy you on purpose. Paybacks are a bitch.
8. We let them play video games all day long. We do this because we don’t want to play games with them all day long.
9. We get tired. So very tired. We are much older than you and do not have your stamina. Give us a break. Hire a baby sitter.
10. We keep the kids safe. We aren’t stupid. We don’t need to be told to not let them play in the street.
11. Your kids lie. Yes, your precious little angel is lying to you when they told you we let them light the cat on fire.
12. We do their homework for them. Sorry, they were playing video games at the time.
13. They ate chocolate for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. Good luck tonight.
14. We have permanent fake smiles on our faces. This is “our fake it ’til you make it” smile when you drop the kids off.
15. We love these kids with every ounce of our being. This is why we do all of this. Someday you will know. And someday you will be the grandparent who is sitting in a bubble bath with a glass of wine, with the car parked around the block so you don’t know we are home.