The Top 10 Gross Post-Parenthood Changes

by Candace Livingstone
Originally Published: 

I’m not sure when exactly it happened, but somewhere between the birth of my first child to present day, I became a really disgusting human being. I transitioned so seamlessly that it wasn’t until recently, when a childless friend gawked at me with a look of pure repulsion, that it occurred to me how much times have changed. Here’s how:

1. Chocolate or pooh?

Before kids: A brown stain could only be one thing – chocolate. And, I probably wouldn’t second guess licking it off, either.

After kids: There a strong possibility that it could be pooh. Even more disgusting, my first instinct is to robustly sniff the mystery substance for further confirmation. Either way, chocolate or pooh, it’s unlikely I will stop what I’m doing to clean it off. It can wait.

2. Boogers!

Before kids: Boogers disgusted me. I’d use three or more tissues to blow my own nose; let alone another person’s. AND the mere thought of someone picking their nose would send me running to the nearest toilet gagging like a prima-donna!

After kids: IF there’s a tissue within reach, I’ll consider using it but if there isn’t…my bare hand will do the trick. Picking boogers out of an infant’s nose became second nature, snot candles are not a crisis and I accepted a long time ago that any black garment I wear is destine to have those trademark translucent smears on each shoulder.

3. Vomit catcher

Before kids: If anyone, including my spouse, looked as if there was even a distant possibility they “may” barf, the only reaction that even somewhat resembled sympathy, would have been my moving out of the barf-spray reaching perimeters!

After kids: Without any hesitation, if my kids’ start puking, I instinctively put my hands out to catch it. Why? Because it’s better to fill my hands with warm, chunky, vomit than clean it off my freshly cleaned carpets. Nothing gets that smell out!

4. Putting saliva on someone’s face

Before kids: As a child, my sister used saliva warfare to torture my brother and me. She’d pin us down and dangle warm goober strings over our faces! She’d even lick our noses for her own sick, demented, satisfaction! That horrible smell of bad breath lingered on your face for hours.

After kids: I don’t even think twice about perpetrating the same saliva cruelty on my kids…But I’m doing it to clean their faces, not to torment them – there’s a difference!

5. Biting nails

Before kids: Toe nails get long, you cut them. Fingernails get long, you cut them!

After kids: First of all, do you know how fast kid’s nails grow?! Seems like every time I turn around one of my kids’ nails are starting to look like something out of a horror movie! Plus – keeping track of those damn children’s sized nail clippers is almost an impossible task in itself! Trust me, it doesn’t take long before you find yourself sitting on the couch nibbling off your 4 week old baby’s nails!

6. Sleeping in urine

Before kids: The only times you may have slept in urine was either unknowingly OR in a drunken college stupor – also unknowingly.

After kids: If this hasn’t happened already, believe me, it will! One night, you’ll find yourself awakened by a sudden rush of unknown warm liquid up your back! And when the half-asleep, bedwetting, offender looks at you and says “Sorry Mommy” you’ll even find yourself feeling guilty for furiously leaping out of bed with a shriek!

Finally – you’ll find yourself opting for the latter of two very unappealing options:

A.) Change the sheets in the middle of the night OR

B.) Cover it with a towel from the hamper and try to get some sleep!

7. Bath Time

Before kids: If someone peed or pooped in my bathtub, not only would I have drained the water I would have disinfected the entire thing, more than once, before I ever considered using it!

After kids: Immediately after filling the tub, you plunk her in and you see the yellow halo forming around her BUT, you look away! I mean really, a little tinkle in the water never hurt anyone. Besides, it’s super diluted and there’s a long line of people waiting to use this tub so I really don’t have time to change the water.

8. Preparing the ice-cream cone

Before kids: It used to drive me crazy when my mom did this! I’d sit there, watching her tongue bathe my ice cream, anxiously and rather impatiently awaiting the return of my frosty treat! I never understood why she delighted in torturing me. Why doesn’t she get her own frigging ice cream?

After kids: What you need to first understand is that before I “prepared” the ice cream cone by licking it into a perfectly coiffed, triangular shape, it was dripping down his arms faster than he could get it in his mouth. I was doing the kid a favor by making it easier to eat – while protecting his clothing from becoming a chocolate mess!

9. Eating highchair leftovers

Before kids: Opting for partially chewed food from someone else’s plate? No. I don’t think so.

After kids: Well, she’s not eating it and heaven knows I don’t have time to cook lunch for me, so what the hell? Down the hatch it goes!

10. Smelling the diaper

Before kids: I can say with 100% conviction that I never enthusiastically inhaled the aftermath of a bathroom visit however…

After kids: The same cannot be said for a pooh diaper! Nowadays, despite the obviously bulky change in my children’s pants, I feel compelled to scoop them up and take a whiff for some olfactory confirmation!

The things we do for our children are just plain gross. My only hope for retribution is the optimism that someday my children will also find themselves victim to their transition into disgusting human being! Oh, the circle of life.

Related post: 10 Gross Things Kids Do

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