Gwyneth's Really Outdone Herself With These Ridiculously Expensive Sex Toys

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 
NASHVILLE, TN - FEBRUARY 12: Gwyneth Paltrow signs her book 'It's all Good' during the the 2016 Antiques And Garden Show Of Nashville at Music City Center on February 12, 2016 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Terry Wyatt/Getty Images)

GOOP is selling a $15,000 solid gold dildo, because Gwyneth

Gwyneth Paltrow has been trolling us for years since she started her lifestyle site GOOP. But the site that regularly recommends things like $956 toilet paper and $4,000 juicers has never ventured into the realm of sex advice. Then Paltrow realized that there was a $15,000 gold dildo in existence and said, “Why not?”

“For women who demand the ultimate in luxurious indulgence, this is the world’s most exclusive massager.” Exclusive means “expensive” — FYI. Why use a plastic vibrator that looks like a rabbit when you can shove actual gold into your vag? Did I mention it’s only $15,000? Bargain.

If $15,000 is out of your budget, or you’re just a person who realizes this gross display of wealth shouldn’t even exist, there’s another option: the Duet 8GB Lux. You can engrave this thing, charge it on your computer, and store files on it. Because nothing says “sexy” more than a vibrating flash drive. This is a deal at $219.

If a vibrating flash drive doesn’t do it for you (what in the HELL is wrong with you), there’s always this $400 necklace that doubles as a vibrator and nipple clamps.

If dropping upwards of $400 on sex toys isn’t your thing, you can still enjoy GOOP’s Sex Issue for the advice. They found an expert who is aligned with [related_post] Gwyneth Paltrow’s vegan, clean, and organic ideologies: a naturopathic doctor to give us the lowdown on condoms and lube so we can all freak out about how much toxic shit is allegedly in the over-the-counter stuff all us commoners have access to. Dr. Maggie Ney N.D. says, “When it comes to lube, if it is safe to eat, it is generally safe to apply. If a lubricant is needed, I recommend organic coconut oil, olive oil, aloe vera gel, or almond oil—they are free from preservatives and are safe alternatives to conventional lubricants.” They also break down the integrity of latex condoms, so thanks for nothing.

About those condoms, they are toxic minefields, according to this article, but even the naturopath realizes that — duh — they’re necessary. “Condoms are so important and I definitely feel that the benefits of condoms (protection against STIs and pregnancy at the same time) far outweigh the risk of being exposed to these chemicals and toxins.” Just make sure you “ideally” find a “vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free condom.”

Yeah, I think they have those at Rite Aide.

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