I realize the weather has just turned, the days are getting longer, and the site of sunscreen, beach towels, and sand toys filling the aisles of every store bring us all a lot of excitement. Summer is upon us, and it’s a chance to slow down and forget about school and have a break from forty-five different activities for a spell.
But I have to confess, there is something that makes me even happier than the sound of birds chirping, eating dinner outside under the trees, and the smell of fresh cut grass: That something is holiday movies.
Oh, yes I did, and I don’t care if you don’t want to be my friend anymore.
The other day as I was perusing through the aisles of my favorite greenhouse and stocking up on pretty pansies to stuff in the window boxes, I saw in my news feed that the Hallmark Channel is coming out with forty new Holiday movies this year and I might have belted out a “YES, MOTHERFUCKER!” next to the mulch, but I can’t be sure.
Yes, you heard that right, this is not a drill.
Forty new movies for our viewing pleasure. It’s a record for them, and I’d say it’s pretty impressive. I’m hoping next year they will be adding fifty new movies to their roster. I know, I can be greedy like that.
For now, I’m pretty good with the forty new flicks, but if you aren’t a fan of the glorious holiday movies that all have the same plot of the good guy getting the good girl as Santa works his magic while everyone looks perfectly coifed, then don’t worry. You are allowed to be wrong.
However, if you are like me (and about 74.8 % of the population, not including the other 25.2% who won’t admit their Hallmark lust) and can’t wait to have the sweet whispers of a Hallmark marathon coming from your television for two months straight as you threaten the lives of anyone who has the audacity to change the channel, then I’m pretty sure you can taste the nog and smell the balsam in air despite the fact your kids are walking around barefoot and squirting each other with blasters right now.
I don’t care if other people are planning their Forth of July celebrations, barbecues, and are cringing at the near mention of colder weather, shorter days, and the holiday madness that brings us all to the brink.
If you are a lover of The Hallmark Channel during the holidays, I’m sure you understand why I have zero chill right now. I mean, I can taste the gingerbread and it isn’t even Memorial Day.
But wait, there is more.
I’m pleased as freaking punch to share with you there’s no need to wait until you overstuff your gullet with turkey, gravy, lumpy potatoes, and too much pie before you can light your cinnamon spice candle and enter the land of unrealistic romance sprinkled with nostalgia, a shitton of twinkle lights, and an unreasonable amount of people who are able to fall in love with a dreamy person two seconds after they have their heart broken by some douche canoe who who can’t see what they’ve lost until it’s too late.
Jingle the bells all the damn way home and get comfy on your sofa after a day in the sun, because the first movie airs in July for their Keepsake Christmas Campaign. It will be a great teaser to prime you for the Hallmark Countdown to Christmas, which begins October 25.
The movies are going to be stellar, if I do say so myself. According to EW, Kristin Chenoweth and Scott Wolf are the leads in The Christmas Song which involves some singing and hopefully the two of them getting together in the end and sealing the deal with a snowy kiss.
Blake Shelton is also producing a movie for the Hallmark Movies and Mysteries Channel that will feature some of his songs. I can feel the Yule Tide cheer already.
Folks, it’s only months away and we don’t have to wait until the end of the year to spread holiday cheer. Happy holidays, holy shit!
Yes, you can trick or treat with your kids, then steal their candy while you binge watch the same actress play a different character each night. The two aren’t mutually exclusive and I don’t really see the need to have hard and fast rules about when we can get our holiday cheer on.
So if you are a Christmas whore like me and find yourself busting out the holiday tunes and planning your cookie swap after labor day, you can relish in this news.
In fact, I just might be starting the countdown as soon as I finishing blaring the good news to all you fine folks. This high is too good not to ride and talk it to death.
I suppose if looking so far ahead is ruining the warmer weather for you, and you believe wishing time away for some movies covered in cheez is the definition of annoying, you are welcome to look away and live in the present moment, whatever.
I’ll be over here with bells on, sucking back some holiday cheer with the air conditioner blowing in my face.
This article was originally published on