Lindt chocolates are my kryptonite. And those Cadbury eggs? I stuff a whole one in my mouth at once because I don’t like to share and I have no self-control. When I take my kids to the movies, I get them cheap candy from the dollar store and I sneak in a fancy box of Godiva. Hot fudge is fantastic on toast and, yes, I absolutely can eat a bag of M&M’s in under a minute.
And that’s just a regular Saturday. Throw in some PMS and you have a woman who’s been known to bust open a bag of peppermint-fucking-patties in aisle 2 and eat them by the fistful.
I know many of you are with me. After all, life is too short to not stand with the fridge open while squeezing Hershey’s syrup down your throat. And if you’ve never fantasized about having your way with a chocolate fountain, then you are not me.
We do it for the taste, obviously, but a little dark chocolate contains lots of antioxidants that are good for you and shit, so you can feel good about getting your daily dose.
But the even better news is our dark chocolate is now being referred to as a superfood because it has inflammation-fighting properties, and can lower blood pressure. We all want to fight inflammation and keep our blood pressure under control so please pass the Hershey’s Special Dark.
But wait, grab the Godiva and Nutella too because there’s more: An article in University Health News says dark chocolate can also benefit your brain “particularly in the realms of cognitive function, mood, and heart/blood vessel health,” and is considered an anti-aging food. It has also been known to relieve some systems of anxiety and depression because of the flavanols and methylxanthines cocoa contains.
It tastes good, is going to keep my skin tight, improves my mood, and will make me sharp as a tack? This is the best news I’ve ever heard in my whole entire life and makes me want to bathe in a hot tub full bubbling chocolate while eating Magic Shell off vanilla ice cream cones.
The article also lists the other benefits of dark chocolate, such as inhibition of cancer growth, prevention of blood clots, reduction of insulin resistance, and increased blood flow to the brain and goes on to say research has shown chocolate helps to “treat and prevent diseases of the brain and cardiovascular system.”
Of course, to get the best benefits, it must be the “right” kind of chocolate. The best choice is a chocolate that contains 70 percent cocoa and 30 percent sugar. And splurging in moderation is recommended to get the best results.
But the way I see it, having too much is better than not having any at all, so if you aren’t snuggled under a blanket on occasion indulging in your favorite bar, ball, or truffle, what are you even doing with your life?
While that’s probably a bit overboard, it’s always nice to go above and beyond and Lord knows I don’t have it in me to back away after two bites. Who the hell does that? If a little can boost your mind and body, just think how happy and alert you will be after a pound.
So load up, get wild and grab the peanut butter jar for dunking. After all, it’s for our health.