I wrote an article sharing with The Universe I shat myself in a laundromat during vacation while wearing a dress and thong. There are things I can keep to myself and there are things I can not. If I shit my pants while leaning on my daughter and a washing machine in front of a crowd of people and it starts running down my thigh, I need to talk about it.
I’ve found when you are your whole, true self and share with people on social media that you blow your butt trumpet and actual things come out in a public place and you have to rush to safety, you will meet your people.
And boy, have I met my people. Unbeknownst to me, this is a thing. Like, people shit themselves in cars, after eating at certain restaurants, and holy shit, do people have a tendency to blow mud in Wal-Mart. In fact, I’m taking a mental note now to stroll down their aisles the next time I’m plugged up in hopes their low prices and bad lighting will jar something lose in my poo cabin.
Although….word on the street is a sneeze can cut a butt brownie, too.
I have to meet this person in real life and invite her to go shopping because I want to drive by about 10 coffee shops on the way and see what happens. Also, a snoop (sneeze-poop) is the best fucking thing I’ve ever heard. But wait, it might be more fun to take this lovely lady through the aisles of Wal-Mart and relive some memories.
And the award goes to: “My sphincter opened and I shat myself in the toy aisle in Wal-Mart.” This woman is my hero. But after hearing about this doozie (literally), I’ll be keeping paper goods in the back of my car.
Is that genius or what? Women know how to take care of shit, do they not? Not only did she not let the freezing temperatures keep her from making things happen, she is able to crouch down in her van while her asshole was crowning, cleanse her colon, and destroy the evidence like a boss. Slow clap for her and the poor soul who had the actual shit scared out of her, but made it through…
Note to self: Do not leave anything that makes a noise on the floor when it’s dark just in case you are ever have to clear out some inventory in the middle of the night and actually want to make it to the loo. But again, folks, stay out of damn Wal-Mart if you are trying to avoid a public display of the Hershey squirts.
Have you ever experienced an ass cobra in public? Or come so close you laid a butt nugget in the backseat of your car to save yourself? You are not alone, so please share with the class if you have ever had to squeeze one out and pinch one off with no toilet in sight. You have no idea how much you might brighten someone’s day.
Our buttholes literally don’t give a crap about shaming us. If they need to empty their tanks, they don’t care if there is porcelain, a graduation program, or the floor in Wal-Mart to catch the ass truffles.
So, go ahead, let it all out. You are safe here.
If you want to read more hilarity, head over to the original Facebook thread.