Naming your baby is a challenge. You want something that checks all the boxes: unique, cool, significant meaning, sounds good with your last name. But with 7,530,103,737 other people on the earth (you know, give or take a few hundred thousand), it’s hard to find a name that stands out from the crowd. Which is why sometimes, parents take things a little too far to name their kids something distinctive.
This is where self-proclaimed “hope dealer, purpose pusher” (and Google-able, according to her drunk uncle) comedienne Nikita B. comes in, bringing truth to parents who are too blinded by the novelty of their chosen name to see that it’s — well, kind of ridiculous.
The baby-namers of the world are out of control, and Nikita B. is not here for it.
“Nobody told your mama to use every vowel,” she says of people who get mad when their (oddly spelled, strangely accented) names get mispronounced. And for the parents who decide to suddenly make a letter “silent” just for the hell of it? They can miss Nikita B. with that nonsense. “How you gonna take a letter that’s never been quiet in the whole history of the alphabet and make it hush?” she wonders.
She then takes aim at the haphazardly-placed dots, dashes, and swooshes over random letters, put there for emphasis or character or maybe just a spastic hand movement while the parents were filling out the birth certificate. “Your name looks like a logo,” Nikita B. opines. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
Sure, it sucks to be saddled with a name so common that you meet yourself coming and going, and always have to be identified by your first and last name to distinguish yourself from the masses.
It also sucks to constantly either deal with people’s mispronunciations or issue corrections, try to ignore the raised eyebrows, and never dream of finding your name on one of those souvenir mugs or personalized key chains. “Evignee” is hard enough to figure out without an accent mark here and a tilde there.
And that’s what Nikita B. is trying to hilariously get across to all persons who will ever take responsibility for naming a baby. “I want to petition for the children of the future,” she says. “Please, ma’am — please, sir — name these children something regular.”
She sums it all up with a message to the would-be weird namers, which is essentially what we’re all thinking:
“I’m trying to can with y’all. But I just cannot.”
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