A No-Bullshit Holiday Newsletter

by Lisa Morguess
Originally Published: 

It’s that time of year – the time of year when Christmas cards come pouring in through our mailboxes, and many of them are accompanied by The Holiday Newsletter.

The Holiday Newsletter is the written version of a selfie, all filtered, airbrushed, framed, and presented for other people’s admiration. I’ve done it myself: you mine your calendar over the past year for highlights, putting the best spin possible on the mundane shit that nobody else really cares about so that you may present to people you rarely, if ever, actually see An Awesome Life that proves what An Awesome Person you are.

Let’s cut the crap, okay? Frankly, it takes too much work to embellish and shine everything up to fill up a one- or two-page newsletter that your recipients are going to smirk and snark and roll their eyes over in the privacy of their homes (while you imagine they’re oohing and ahhing), while simultaneously feeling like shit because their life, by comparison, doesn’t measure up.

Instead, how about a No-Bullshit Holiday Newsletter instead? Here’s mine…

Dear Far Flung Friends –

Wow, another year – gone. Doesn’t it feel like we are all hurtling faster and faster towards death? That’s sure what it feels like to me.

So, yeah, I thought I’d take a few minutes between loads of laundry, wiping butts, and catching up on Duck Dynasty episodes to catch you all up on the doings at our house this past year.

2013 pretty much sucked. I mean, we have enough food to eat, a roof over our heads, blah blah blah, but, you know, things could have been better. LOL!

The kids didn’t really do anything that stands out. Kevin’s acne has gotten pretty bad. I’m sure he didn’t get that from me. I mean, yeah, so I still get zits every month around that time, but I never had acne per se. He finally got off his ass and got a job after we hounded him for months, so there’s that. Be thankful for the little things, right?

Joey is no longer in GATE at school. We pulled him because he couldn’t hack it, and we didn’t want the embarrassment of him being kicked out. He still plays baseball. Ho hum.

The twins are growing up! Annabelle now regularly has BO (P.U.!), and Daisy is prone to hysterical outbursts. Womanhood is right around the corner! It’ll be really great when we have three girls in full-blown puberty right about the time I should be going through menopause!

Lilah’s still pretty cute, which is a good thing since she’s becoming kind of a brat. Finn still has Down syndrome. We’re thinking of trying hypnosis next – I read an article in one of those news magazines (I think it was The Enquirer) that hypnosis can pretty much cure anything. Scarlett just makes me tired. God, babies are demanding!

We’ve been pretty healthy this year, except for that run of diarrhea (get it? “Run”? HA HA HA!). Oh, and the kids had lice a couple months back. I’m pretty sure we got rid of it.

We didn’t go on vacation this year – we couldn’t afford it, plus, we just have too many damn kids now. A real vacation would be getting away from them! Ha ha. Michael lost his job, but is trying to work for himself now. We’ll see how that goes!

Speaking of money, I’m trying to sock some away for bladder repair surgery – this peeing myself all the time is the pits! Well, it’s either that or the boob job I’ve been dreaming about forever – still trying to decide which since we’ll never be able to afford both. Unless I borrow from one of the kids’ college funds . . . ha! Who am I kidding? What college funds?!

The house is pretty much falling apart, but hey, who wants to fix it up with all these curtain-climbers running around?! I wouldn’t call it squalor, exactly, but . . . well, anyway. I bet you can’t guess which one of us has become intimately acquainted with antidepressants, and which one of us has become intimately acquainted with booze! My lips are sealed.

Anyway! Well, happy holidays! Until next year –


Well, maybe not.

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