What An Honest Pregnancy Tracker Would Say

by Melissa Mowry
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If there’s one realization you come to very quickly after you find out you’re expecting, it’s that the first trimester is really freakin’ boring. After the initial excitement of the positive pee stick, telling the people you’re closest with, buying the baby books etc., there’s not a whole hell of a lot to do while you wait for the ultrasounds and the rib kicking and the protruding belly to show up. So what to do?

Download a pregnancy tracker app, of course. (Because how else would you be able to effectively compare your growing child to various types of produce?) These trackers are great if you want a notification every single day that, yes, you’re still pregnant, but they’re not always 100% honest. If they were, here’s what I imagine they’d say:

Week 4

CONGRATULATIONS! If you already know you’re expecting, you are going to have one long ass pregnancy. Buckle up, sister; 10 months feels a lot longer when you’re the one who’s doing the human-growing! (Yeah, you heard that right. You’re gonna be pregnant for 10 months.) Cheers! Oh wait, better make yours a seltzer.

Week 6

That pregnancy glow everyone talks about? Yeah, it’s about as rare as a solar eclipse or men turning down sex. They must be referring to the oil slick on your face from time traveling back to age 14. But, if you’re really lucky, your increased cup size will effectively distract people from your aggressive chest acne. You’ll learn to start celebrating the little victories.

Week 9

By now you’ve realized that the $50 you spent on Preggie Pops and anti-nausea wristbands and B6 supplements was good money you could’ve put toward a big pile of carbs that’ll do the job much better. Feel free to shamelessly binge on said carbs while watching re-runs of Fresh Prince on late night TV in sweatpants and your husband’s AC/DC t-shirt from 1993. You don’t need to look cute because you’re too nauseous to get laid anyway. #dontjudge

Week 13

If you’re hoping your pregnancy is still flying under your boss’ radar, it’s probably best to keep your office door closed while you yack up your lunch and then promptly fall asleep under your desk. Annie from Accounting is looking extra nosey today. Just sayin’.

Week 16

Go ahead and let your gut hang out now that everyone officially knows you’re pregnant and not just awkwardly chubby. And dig into that third Gordita Supreme because, hey, maybe it’ll get you into real maternity clothes faster and you can stop wearing your curtains as a top.

Week 19

That cheeseburger topped with Nutella and olives looks…interesting. Better start adding Tums to your weekly shopping haul. And if you’re one of those freaks women who craves vegetables? Go ahead and keep that to yourself, k?

Week 21

Congrats on passing the halfway point; the real fun starts now. But first, we just wanted to remind you again that pregnancy is 10 months. Yeah, ten. Not nine. Ten. Just making sure you remembered, what with your newfound ability to retain absolutely no information. Also, fuck you, Hugh Grant, you smug bastard.

Week 24

What did we learn this week? Repeat after me: Fake wine is a poor substitute for the real deal. Good girl.

Week 29

Remember when every kick was the most magical thing on Earth? Yeah, no, us either.

Week 33

Your baby now weighs about 4 pounds. You’ve gained 4 pounds plus 30. The math is fuzzy to us too.

Week 37

Now that you’ve rushed to finish the nursery and wash all the baby clothes and pack your hospital bag, you’re finding there’s nothing to keep you distracted from the realization that you could still be pregnant four weeks from now. We don’t have any advice. Just…sorry.

Week 39

Although it may feel like your child is roundhouse kicking his way out of the womb, please stop worrying that your baby will fall out of your vagina at any moment. We promise it’s a lot more work than that.

Week 41

Feel free to call up everyone in your pregnancy pool who bet you’d go early and invite them to go fuck themselves. It’ll make you feel better for 30 seconds. Honestly. And after the high wears off, Ben and Jerry will be there waiting with open arms.

Now that you’ve finally popped out that kid, you’re probably dying to ditch the pregnancy tracker that’s been taunting you for 10 months. Except now you’ll need to download the baby tracker app. (Because how else will you effectively compare your new bundle of joy to every other kid on the planet?) You can thank us when you’re sleeping soundly (ha!) instead of frantically Googling, “How much baby poop is normal?” in the middle of the night. You’re welcome in advance.