Let's Talk About Sex, Baby: 5 Ideas To Help You Feel Confident Discussing Your Sexual Desires

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I am not now, nor have I ever been, a shy person. Growing up, more often than not, I heard phrases like, “Katie, shh,” “Katie, that’s not appropriate,” and “Katie, let’s see how long you can go without talking.”

Especially that one time when I asked my dad’s Navy buddy if he had “a peanut” when I was 3. He thought he was coming over for a nice home-cooked meal. He did not know he was going to meet the next Dr. Ruth in the making. He was mortified. I was not, and continued to try to put a bra on my Barbie.

With my big, loud mouth, comes an uninhibited personality. I am not afraid to talk about anything with most people. I don’t skirt around issues, and I’m not embarrassed to ask questions if I don’t know the answer. This includes questions about sex.

So when my youngest sister asked me what a blow job was one day while riding home from McDonald’s, after we enjoyed large fries with a side of boyfriend talk, I told her. I was matter-of-fact about it, straight and to the point, but we did laugh as we sucked back our sodas, because let’s be honest, everyone who is new to the concept wonders, Why the hell is it called a blow job if you don’t blow? Oh, right, that’s why.

A lot of us didn’t grow up talking about sex. It can be a hard (no pun intended) subject to approach with your family members. This can make sex feel secretive and dirty, which leads to shame. This is so unfortunate.

Many people even get a physical reaction when sex is brought up in conversation; it makes us so uncomfortable that we start to squirm or engage in nervous laughter or fake cough or “run to the bathroom for a second.”

But some of us want to feel more comfortable talking about it. We have questions, and we want answers. We want to improve our sex lives or feel empowered to explore our own bodies. Or we just realize feeling sexual is a natural part of being a human, and there is no shame in it. So we want to loosen up a bit when the subject comes up.

Some people may find it hard to admit they like sex as much as they do because they aren’t sure what the normal orgasm-loving range is. But it doesn’t matter — your range is your range, and you don’t have to explain every detail to anyone. Unless you want to.

If you find yourself wanting to talk about sex more — because there is something beautiful about having sex with another person, or by yourself — you should. And really, it doesn’t make you a scandalous person. It is a natural thing we all desire, and there should be no indignity attached to it.

And if you don’t feel this way, and believe sex and our sex lives should be kept ultra-private, I dig that too. I am just not one of those people. I like to talk about things like my lady bits and being aroused and buy battery-operated boyfriends (BOBs). So if you want to feel more relaxed and open (yes, the pun was intended), then maybe a few of these tips will help:

1. Talk to someone you trust.

Someone who won’t judge you, like your partner or a friend who is typically more open about sex. That is sure to put your mind at ease because whatever you share with them will not make them uncomfortable, and as a result, you will feel more comfortable. And your partner will be so excited to discuss this with you because they want to make you happy in the boudoir. The more you do it, the easier it is. You can still lead a vanilla life and talk openly about sex. There’s nothing wrong with being curious or wanting to try new things.

2. Try something different.

Nothing breaks us out of our routines like trying something fun and different. Approaching your partner about shaking things up a little bit will get you both out of your comfort zones, the perfect way to make you more at ease with your own sexuality. Who cares if it feels too scary to talk about it face-to-face and you need to initiate the discussion through text first. It can be a really big deal just to approach the subject, so do it in a way that makes you feel secure.

3. You are a sexual creature. Embrace it.

I know for a lot of women, especially moms, we get to a certain point in our lives where we feel like we aren’t supposed to have certain desires or be a little naughty because we are too old or frumpy. We might not feel like we can be both the sexy vixen and the suburban mom. But you can, and you should. Don’t repress those wants and needs. Realize that talking about and having sex is healthy and an important part of self-love. Do it for your well-being.

4. Go shopping.

Pretty undergarments are powerful. They don’t even have to be super sexy, thong-type things with hooks and bows. Just treat yourself to something that makes you feel amazing. When we are comfortable with our bodies, it is easier for us to open up and talk about what we want, or show someone else what we want. Also, oils and certain toys have been known to make women feel sexier and open their mind to more options. (This is a really good way to get a good massage out of the deal too.)

5. Because orgasms.

Talking about sex can get us in the mood, and when we are in the mood, we want to have an orgasm because they are fucking amazing. And whether you get that from your partner, or yourself, it is worth it. Studies have shown regular orgasms are healthy.

So get comfortable and start talking. Sex is an important subject. It’s also fun to talk about! I say push through your discomfort, because talking about sex, asking for what you want, and educating yourself is normal and healthy. I guarantee you aren’t the only one who wants to be more candid on the subject.