How to Feel Old. Really Old. (I'm Sorry.)

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

Jeff and I have always been the young couple. We’ve been together since we were 18, were the first of our friends to get married and the first to (accidentally) start a family. “You’re just babies!” we’d hear quite often when people learned our ages, not realizing what a nice position that was to be in. Sometimes, we’d even add a few years to our ages to avoid those embarrassing conversations.

But then, suddenly, they stopped.

A few weeks ago, after letting the kids DJ our summer road trip and wearing out the Taylor Swift CD, I had the horrifying epiphany that Lily is closer to 22 than I am. TWENTY TWO. Probably the most fun and carefree time of my life; one that doesn’t seems all that long ago… and my daughter is closer to it than I am? Well, fuck you, Taylor. Thanks a ton for the eye opener.

It’s been weeks and I still can’t stop focusing on that depressing fact. So, because I have to suffer, I figure you should too. Isn’t that what blogging is all about?

You may want to assume the fetal position now…

1. The Nirvana baby? He’s 21 now, and probably using his five minutes of fame as a pick up line. In a bar. Where he can legally drink.

2. The Ross and Rachel kiss that made you irrationally happy? It happened 18 years ago. EIGHTEEN years ago.

3. Songs from Pearl Jam and Soundgarden are played on classic rock stations.

4. “Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?” Maybe you did. But did you know that little Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire now looks like this?

5. People born in the year 1997 can drive. Legally.

6. Blood Sugar Sex Magik came out 22 years ago. A baby conceived to it would now be 21. Possibly drinking with the Nirvana baby.

7. The Challenger exploded 27 years ago.

8. Kids you babysat for could be married, with kids of their own. (At least the ones I did are. Thud.)

9. Johnny Depp is 50.

10. We’re, like, grown ups.

I’m sorry.

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