How To Jog With Your Toddler In 31 Easy* Steps
It’s officially summer! If you haven’t already done so, it’s time to bust out the jogging stroller. Fresh air and exercise for you, fresh air for your sweet little one – what could be better?
Here’s a handy, step-by-step guide to help you plan your workout.
1. Locate toddler.
2. Carefully secure toddler into stroller. Bonus: If your toddler has better things to do than get into a stroller, you’ll get a great core workout as you perform miniature wrestling moves!
3. Run 1/4 mile, enjoying the breeze and sunshine.
4. Distribute snacks.
5. Run 1/8 mile, smelling the sweet summer air.
6. Distribute snacks.
7. Acknowledge the puppy that toddler points out.
8. Acknowledge another puppy.
9. Run one block.
10. Acknowledge bicyclist.
11. Acknowledge leaf.
12. Distribute snacks.
13. Run five steps.
14. Re-open the water bottle that toddler just closed.
15. Re-open the water bottle that toddler just closed.
16. Re-open the water bottle that toddler just closed.
17. Run three blocks.
18. Replace item(s) that were thrown overboard, including but not limited to shoe, sock, toy, and last shred of public decency.
19. Acknowledge air.
20. Experience burst of selfishness; declare that all of toddler’s basic needs are met and sitting still for a few minutes never killed anyone. Run 1/3 mile with renewed vigor.
21. Succumb to pressure as passersby *tsk tsk* scornfully at you while your toddler screams: “Eat. Eat. EAAAAT!!!!” with increasing intensity. “I can’t believe she doesn’t feed her child,” their stares say.
22. Dissolve into pool of shame and resist the urge to yell loud enough so others can hear, “YOUR MAJESTY, I JUST FED YOU FOUR SLICES OF IMPORTED CHEESE, A SLICED ORGANIC BELL PEPPER, AND A HANDFUL OF MOTHERF@#$ING HOMEMADE FLAXSEED CRACKERS!”
23. Distribute snacks.
24. Run two blocks.
25. Elderly woman passing by smiles and clucks at toddler, telling you, “Oh, they are so fun at that age!”
26. Think, “Oh, boy, I can’t wait until we hit a NOT fun age!”
27. Reach point of desperation and bring out the emergency stash of blueberries, a.k.a. Toddler Crack.
28. Enjoy 1/8 mile of blissfully uninterrupted running as toddler shovels fistfuls of blueberries in his mouth like he’s the second coming of Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
29. Publicly discover that toddler’s adorable nickname for blueberries, “blues,” sounds like “booze” in his sweet toddler accent.
30. Give up and sprint home in shame as toddler polishes off the rest of his stash and starts screaming, “MORE BOOZE! MOOOOORE BOOOOOOZE!!!!!!!!!”
31. Abandon exercise and drink a glass of red wine because it has the same benefits.
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