I’m not trying to shame my pre-motherhood self, but I used to be all about the “O.” You know the big “O” that I’m referring to. Pearl clutchers, try not to get blown away by my mighty and offensive choice of words. But I’m talking about a rip-roaring, grasp-the-sheets, scream-into-the-pillow ORGASM. I loved sex.
I was kid-free, vibrant, and down for a one night stand if the right person came along… and it was purely for my own sexual gratification. In fact, my husband was supposed to be a one night stand. And yet, here we are — six years and five kids later, and we’ve never spent one day apart since that first time.
Surprised that he’s still with me or that I’m still with him since we just could not contain ourselves? Well, you shouldn’t be. Because, unlike some, my husband knows what it’s like to have human impulses. And he knows women aren’t immune to the same kind of sexual drives men have.
There is no difference in a man having a one-night stand versus a woman having a one-night stand. But yet, women are shamed while men are cheered. What the hell? This is the 21st century — it’s high time all of us are enlightened.
One-night stands are not about a lack of control. They are about enjoying oneself with another consenting adult without giving a damn about the societal label that might follow soon after the fact.
Because if a man respects a woman as an equal human being, he will not discriminate against her for choosing to “give up the goods” after a first date. He just won’t. Because a man who would ever leave a woman feeling like shit after consensual sex is not a man at all. He is a piece of scum treating another human being like a piece of property that he can do with as he pleases.
And since we’re already brewing on the topic, what does “giving up the goods” even mean? That’s offensive, and it’s an entirely untrue statement about my personal lady-bits and sexuality. Because they shouldn’t, and never will be, labeled as “the goods.” That’s far too passive, and it makes me feel like I’m smuggling a bag of sugar around down there.
So let’s stop trying to slut shame women for merely being humans with human needs and desires. There’s nothing wrong with a consensual one-night stand, and what grown adults do is their business and their business only.
So please stop trying to make excuses for (or judgments about) our adult behavior. There are no excuses for my one-night stands unless I am the one providing them. Enough with the titles and the reasonings behind everything which ultimately just gossip. Quit trying to make things into what they are not. There’s not always a deeper meaning or reason.
For example, let’s bag up and drown the term “daddy issues” as a reason for having sex. Do you know how tacky and naïve that sounds? Because I don’t know about every other woman out there, but my dad is not on my mind when I’m about to get it on. EWWWW. So let’s stop placing that on the women who are bold enough to get exactly what it is that they want when they want it. This has nothing to do with my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father. Just stop.
And while we’re at it, let’s end the common misconception that women participating in safe, casual sex do not respect themselves enough to wait it out. Quit looking for an explanation beyond the most obvious one. Which is, we have sexual urges too. And sue us for not pushing them down further and further like we’ve been forced to do for so many years in the past. We like sex, and we want to enjoy it. Worry about yourself.
Newsflash: we are not porcelain dolls, and sometimes we really don’t want to wait it out. So why should we have to? Wait for what anyway? Some of us are not looking for anything deeper than satisfying our urges and that’s fine.
Over the many years of creation, women have been working to overcome tragedy, oppression, and widespread violence and discrimination — which we still fight against and witness today. So please, do not project your misguided judgments onto us while we are trying to live our best life.
The 21st century woman is not required (or forced) to live a timid or reserved existence like we were for so many years. That was a different era over which we have already triumphed, and now we are here and ready to be (and screw) who we damn well please.
So if we are all about equality amongst the sexes, it’s time we start delivering that in every aspect of life. Including the sex lives of women.
And even if my one-night stand with my husband wouldn’t have resulted in us still being together, six years and five kids later, it still wouldn’t be wrong.
I’ve had other one-night stands with other men in my life, and I don’t feel poorly about myself because of them. My husband knows I had an active sex life before him, and I’ve never been and never will be scolded or shamed for my past. I was living life as a single woman with no children or responsibilities, enjoying my sexuality. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I have no regrets or shame, so you shouldn’t be worried about me.
This article was originally published on