I Cannot Be a Mom Today

by Lauren Rauseo
Originally Published: 

“I cannot be a mom today,”

Said little Lauren (also known as LBK).

“Fiona’s crying, Liv won’t pee,

Dylan’s temperature is one-oh-three.

The house is a mess, the laundry’s piled high,

My baby has a twitch in her left eye!

I spend so much time at the kitchen sink,

It’s no wonder I’ve been driven to drink.

The dog is barking, the kids won’t sleep,

I’m trying hard not to weep.

I buy groceries, make dinner, and then,

The next day, I have to do it again!

It seems all I do is wipe noses and butts,

Kiss boo-boos, and put band-aids on cuts.

The baby is attached to my boobs,

I wonder why I didn’t tie my tubes.

My kids are annoying, my husband is rude,

This should clearly explain my bad attitude.

I used to have friends, I used to have a life,

Now I’m just some little kids’ mom and a big kid’s wife.

I have five pounds I just can’t lose,

I think I’ve paid my baby-weight dues.

I have a million pacifiers but can’t find even one,

It’s too bad I don’t think hide-and-seek is any fun.

I spend all my money on diapers and wipes,

I believe I’ve more than earned my Mommy stripes.

I haven’t slept soundly in at least six years,

But I guess that puts me on par with my peers.

I haven’t showered and – what?

What’s that you say?

You say the babysitter’s on her way?

Oh how I will miss these faces while I’m away!”

{Illustration and inspiration via Shel Silverstein’s Sick.}

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