I Have A Girl Crush On Amy Schumer

I have a major girl crush. I’m fairly confident I don’t bat for the other team, but I would like to lick Amy Schumer up and down like a lollipop. I want to lie in bed and rub her feet with baby oil while I watch her sleep. I want to hold up her dress on her wedding day while she pees (assuming she is marrying me). I long to get drunk on a Mexican beach with her. I want to be friends with her. Hell, I want to be her.

There is no doubt that Amy has taken the comedy world by storm. She is fiercely honest, self-deprecating, and has a mouth like a truck driver, all qualities I admire. She brings up feminist topics in a brave way. She uses humor to underscore the ridiculousness of society’s double standards. With all the subjects that polarize us as a nation, sometimes it’s refreshing to view things through a comedic lens—to stop taking ourselves so seriously. As Amy herself said, “The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.”

The real reason I want to tongue kiss her, though, is because of her confidence. She makes no apologies for owning her feelings. Women, by nature, are repentant creatures. Most underplay their accomplishments, fearful they will come across as too cocky, too unappreciative, too…something. My favorite quote from Amy kicks this notion straight in the balls: “I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it.” And why would she? Amy figured out the secret to happiness: unadulterated, unapologetic conviction in who she is. She understands her worth and the value she brings to relationships. What a novel idea.

I believe my success as a parent of a daughter hinges on this idea. It is my responsibility to teach her to be confident with herself and her body, regardless of any perceived flaws. To own her power and her voice and to know her opinion matters. As Amy so eloquently puts it, “I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story—I will.” I want this freedom for my daughter as early in her life as she is able to grasp it.

Because women’s self-worth is so often tied to body image, Amy hits this head on. Of all the hilarious quotes on this topic, the most endearing has to be from this year’s Glamour Awards, where she accepted the Trailblazer honor. In front of an audience of models and Hollywood’s sucked and tucked elite, Amy delivered a line so perfect I’m considering creating a bumper sticker to honor it. She said, “I’m probably like 160 pounds right now and I can catch a dick whenever I want. Like, that’s the truth. It’s not a problem.” Mic drop. I pray at least one actress chewing her kale looked up and thought, what the fuck am I doing? I am better than this.

With all the ridiculous beauty standards, sexism, ageism and every other “ism’ out there, she is a breath of fresh air in a polluted, fragmented society. Thank you, Amy Schumer, for being so crush-worthy. You are a role model for women everywhere. And please understand if I ever meet you, I will try to make out with you. Consider this your warning.