I Never Wanted Children

family-in-sunset

I’m a mom who never wanted the job.

Did you know there are others like us? There are fellow moms in the world who are wiping noses and crunching Cheerios with their bare feet who never envisioned their life turning out this way. We are the moms who struggle every day with this thought: This is why I never wanted children.

Have you ever thought that? I did just today. My children were clinging to me, pulling on my shirt, whining and crying because I wouldn’t pick them up, while I fought a frying pan full of bacon. I clenched my jaw, tightened my grip on the spatula, and with every tense muscle in my body I thought, “This wasn’t my plan. This wasn’t the life I wanted. This is why I didn’t want kids.”

Every day is a struggle.

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We have mom friends who always wanted children. They speak of the joys of motherhood as though they find rainbows in their children’s diapers instead of beans and corn from yesterday’s Mexican casserole. We read countless mommy blogs about how one’s life is now complete because they’re raising little boys or girls. We are told over and over again how blessed we are to have kids and we should enjoy every minute of it.

These are not our people, though. We are the black sheep. The outcasts. We are the moms who saw our flaws so clearly that we knew—we just knew—that motherhood was not a good choice for us. The moms who sit on the floor and cry at night with fear that, because our children weren’t planned, we’re screwing them up.

And yet here we are.

Maybe it was birth control gone bad. Maybe it was the heat of the moment. Whatever your story is, it happened, and now we find ourselves doing 2 a.m. feedings, holding screaming toddlers, and scrubbing poop out of the carpet all while that voice in our head constantly reminds us, “This is why I didn’t want children.”

I’m not going to give you ten ways to delight in your children on bad days. I’m not going to admonish you for having what some see as a horrifyingly selfish thought.

I’m going to tell you it’s okay.

It’s okay that you never wanted kids in the first place. It doesn’t make you mean or selfish or less of a woman. It just makes you honest.

It’s okay that you can’t identify with other moms who tell the story of how they and their spouses had their family plan all worked out and it came to fruition exactly as they jotted it down on paper. You shouldn’t feel ashamed that your child wasn’t expected or plotted out on the journey of your life.

It’s okay that you feel unprepared and find yourself Googling, “My child does ‘x.’ Is that normal?” when you’re certain your mommy friends who envisioned their child’s nursery since they were a kid themselves would instinctively know the answer.

It’s okay to ask for help. No mom is Super Mom and every mom needs a break. Some of us may just need more breaks, and perhaps longer breaks, to make it through the days and weeks and months of a life we never wanted.

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Most importantly, it’s okay to tell your story. There are more of us moms that never wanted the job than you realize. We need you to tell your story of fears and tears to help us feel like we have a friend in this alternate universe called motherhood. We need to know someone understands the struggle. We need to know someone else hears the voice in their head say, “This is why I never wanted kids.” We need you to tell us we aren’t alone. We need you.

Regardless of how you arrived on Planet Parenthood, you are here. You don’t have to feel bad for admitting it’s hard. We know. You don’t have to hide from your story of how you got here. We know. And you don’t have to follow up your woes or complaints with, “But I love my kids.”

We know.

And your children know, too.

Related post: I Don’t Like Being A Mother

About the writer

@realtonihammer

Toni Hammer never planned on having kids, but she’s now a stay-at-home mom to Lillian and Levi, who were born 355 days apart because the universe has an awesome sense of humor.  She chronicles her mommy misadventures at Is It Bedtime Yet? and a book of the same name is being pitched to publishers right this very second. She’s a Scary Mommy contributor, Huffington Post blogger, and expert Top Chef watcher. If you’re a fellow social media addict, you can also find her trying to be funny on Facebook and Twitter. She loves food she doesn’t have to cook, and drowns her mommy guilt in copious amounts of coffee and Diet Coke.

From Around the Web

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Rin 6 months ago

Thank you for the article. I was almost in tears because it really hit home for me.

Rin 6 months ago

This was good to hear- I had a very similar experience. I was going through a very rough time several months after we’d stopped taking precautions and decided we should wait for a while- then I found out I was 4mths in already!! Had anxiety issues the entire rest of the way!

Rin 6 months ago

I’m working on convincing the hubby to get fixed now! heh.

Onyx 6 months ago

Good to know im not alone iguess. I got pregnant ag 16 neither me or my fiancé wanted kids and everytr out 5 month old starts screaming at the top of his lungs or shits through his pants we ask the same question and we feel terrible

him 7 months ago

It’s not just mom’s. We had an accidental birth and I didn’t walk away. I never wanted kids and didn’t want to be a dad but I do my best and try to raise my daughter the best I can. It’s hard, very hard. it’s my whole life now, whole world changed and I feel guilty almost every day because of the knowledge that I didn’t want any of it and I have been made to feel guilty when it slips out. I hope it does get better but I’ll keep moving forward regardless. I never wanted her but I do love her and she’s here now..

Tana 8 months ago

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! for writing this post. Yes, I had to say it 3 times. Finding this blog and several others that are honest about motherhood, have been an absolute lifeline to me today. I appreciate your honesty. I totally understand loving your children, being an awesome mom to them, and not enjoying or want to do it.
I often say you don’t have to love something, to do it well.

laura glass 8 months ago

So you never wanted kids and yet you had 2? Why not just abort if you really truly didn’t want kids? You made your bed. Lie in it. I don’t feel sorry for people like you who complain they don’t want kids when there are 2 ways out. Abortion or adoption.

kole 9 months ago

So glad to know I am not alone. I have 3 children and I question myself all the time on why I had them when I know I don’t like taking care of others. You’re very brave for sharing this.

Gina 9 months ago

I was un anwanted kid and I always knew. When my mom discovered that she was pregnant, again after 12 months, it was too late to do anything about it. I never blamed her for telling me nor I ever doubted her love. Mothers and daughters are supposed to be able to share fears and thoughts and I am glad we managed to do that.

Elizabeth 10 months ago

Screw all the negative comments on this post. I personally asked my parents if I was planned when I was probably around 7 or 8 and they told me the truth, that I wasn’t. I remember all of my friends knowing whether or not they were planned too. I never saw it as a negative thing and have always understood that even though I wasn’t planned, my parents still loved me. Even when my mom said I was a mistake, I just looked at her and said, “well mom, I’m the best mistake you ever made” and she laughed at me and said, “yeah, I guess so.”
I’m in my early 20’s and recently found out I’m pregnant and I’ve never even considered having kids. But now I find myself confused about what I should do. I haven’t made a decision yet, but reading posts like this one really helps shine a light on the situation. I passed by a billboard the other day that said, “you don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a good parent” and isn’t that the truth! It helps to know that I’m not the only one who doesn’t feel the mommy clock ticking and that it’s okay to not want children. Society just puts so much pressure on women to have children and so many women do because of that pressure and end up being very unhappy and in some horrible cases, end up murdering their children. Even men murder their pregnant girlfriends/wives because of how much they don’t want to be a father. It’s truly awful that things like that happen. Not everyone is meant to be a parent and it’s better to admit that than to have a child just because society says you should.

Pash 10 months ago

I am writing to you as a daughter of a lady who never wanted kids. I’m not sure where to begin, but I’m not applauding anyone for bravely having unwanted children, because I don’t think it’s a very brave thing at all. I’m 19 years old and I may as well have been raised by my mother’s mother because she was so completely withdrawn and absent from me. She was there physically, but withdrawn and uninterested emotionally. I can’t even begin to explain how this, coupled with my father’s physical and emotional absense ruined my self-esteem and my views about myself. I didn’t know what to think other than, “Well, Dad hates me. Mom also isn’t interested in me. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not what they want me to be?”. I always knew even before she told me, her absense and lack of interest said it all. I’m not going to go further into the story of my life but I am going to point out one thing I agree with completely from the article- ‘and your children know too’. Not the way it is used in context, but in the ‘yes, they do 100% know that you never wanted them’ way. Putting a roof over a child’s head is hard. Providing a child with food is hard. However, both of these things just aren’t enough to raise your kid. They need your approval, your attention, your patience, your affection, your smiles, your warmth, and most importantly they need to absolutely know you want them. I’m not saying every day should be easy and mothers should skip through the house twirling with her baby in arm, I’m just trying to get down to the nitty gritty and tell you that if you ignore and brush off your child all the time, it will grow up damaged. It’ll be your fault, too. I will never deny that my moter loved me, but wanting me is a different story. Just some words from the other side.

TL;DR
Ultimately your child knows you never wanted it, results may vary but emotional and mental confusion will be predominant in the mother/father-child relationship.

J.O. Raber 10 months ago

Dear Toni,
Your story is refreshingly honest. We need more stories from mothers like you. The world is critically overpopulated and in spite of this there are parents, regretful parents, religious-biased people and thoughtless others who are still pressuring women to have children they should not have and causing so much misery in the world by doing so. I’ve authored a book on the childfree issue, and so have others; but your side needs to be heard too. I urge you to write a book about this -, including the stories by other women (and men) who are going through what you are experiencing. This will give purpose to your life. And best wishes in find a publisher for your story.
J.O. Raber
“Famous But No Children”

Anon 10 months ago

I burst out crying at the line “The moms who sit on the floor and cry at night with fear that, because our children weren’t planned, we’re screwing them up.” I never wanted a child for many reasons – one of which was that, as the preceding statement says, I saw my flaws so clearly that I knew motherhood wasn’t a good idea for me and was adamant with my husband about this. He, though, had a very strong desire for a child that I told him I’d give him one. I feel I shouldn’t have because my mental deficiencies have possibly been passed down as he has ADHD with bad disruptive behavior disorder. I am almost at my breaking point. Also to know that God saw fit to give me a child when I personally know a few couples that have had to take fertility meds to become pregnant in the first place is almost maddening. I also echo the previous annon comment all the way. Anyway, it helps to know that there are other moms out there with similar thoughts because I always have so much guilt over mine.

Rina 11 months ago

ME TOO! I was married for about 5 months before I found out we were expecting. I was never one of *those* women who just “always wanted to be a mother” (like one of my friends). I never really gave it too much thought. I was kind of in between…never permanently ruled it out but never thought that I MUST have children to feel complete. My husband, however, had voiced his opinion about wanting children…so THAT was my deciding factor. I thought he was just going to be super hands on and I even looked forward to breast feeding. But then, after the 2nd day he was born, breast feeding did not seem to work out (and later, pumping didn’t work out too well either)…and it’s easier to list what DH does do than to list what he doesn’t do. We’ve had our arguments about him not spending enough time with the baby…I could literally write an essay so that’s the only thing I will list on the negative side of my situation. Basically, I was never sure I wanted kids and now that I have one, I’m the one doing most of the work when DH was the one who said he WANTED kids. So yes, thank you for this. And yes, I love my son dearly and will sacrifice whatever I have to to make sure he has everything he needs and wants.

Hya H 11 months ago

Thank you for the honest words. I never wanted to give birth to a child, but my husband insisted and I consented. Once I was pregnant, he freaked out and bailed and I am now raising my daughter on my own. It brings sincere comfort to me knowing that I am not the only one who shares these thoughts, and I shall not feel guilty for having these thoughts as they do not lessen my love for my child.

Kay 1 year ago

Love This! I am a mom who loves her sweet boy dearly but sometimes wishes that the job of being his mommy full time was someone elses! I know I am blessed to have such a sweet joyful child who makes most moments wonderful,however before I got pregnant I would have been perfectly content not having kids. and even now sometimes just for fun I envision a much easier, cleaner, cheaper, more carefree life… and now we are planning our second! Not because I really want another child, but because now I feel bad not giving my son a sibling!I didn’t think it was a life for me, but now it is the life that I have. I’m going to love my sweet child anyway and make the best of it :-) thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone!

NothingLeftInside… 1 year ago

…it wont if they already know you never wanted them…. I am a mom of One & everyday that I look at him or he comes around or I hear him say MOMMY, I want to break down & cry because I NEVER wanted him. I am almost completely dead inside from this unwanted life sentence of motherhood that I am burdened to bear alone & I hate it. My mother NEVER wanted me & made sure I knew it. She was abusive, careless, & neglected me somuch that I was molested multiple times & she had no clue (which is the ONLY ficking reason I wont give my son away for adoption, because it might happen to him too), so im STUCK in hell all by myself with this innocent life that I have to throw mine away for to build his better than mine was. … I do my best to hide my pain from him & let him know his mother does love him, but I honestly hate every fucking day that I wake up & am still alive.

Elizabeth Ahlden 1 year ago

Oh wow…im so happy I read this. Ive never felt motherly. I will do anything for my little girl because i have to, but I dont want to. Everyone says focus on your kid. But it just pisses me off im not just a mom. I am a woman with a life. My sole purpose in life is not my child.

Rachel M 1 year ago

Thank you for your honesty–you brave and beautiful girl!

Anon 1 year ago

Hopefully there are also moms out here that planned on being a mom, wanted to be a mom and then still find themselves having days where we wonder what on earth we were thinking. I hope I am not alone.
I have more than one special needs child and it is HARD, so very hard. And I feel alone, so very ALONE, because I asked for this. I thought I could handle it, I wanted to be a mom more than anything but now, on more days than not, I feel like a failure and like I deserve this because I wanted it so badly.
I fear my children see right through me, that I am ruining them, that somehow they know I am not cut out for the job and that someone, anyone could be doing better than I am.

Dani Jackson 1 year ago

That is true it is okay to feel that way…and i get it…but when you feel like whining ask yourself, is my child healthy? Will he/she at 18 be independent and “out of my hair”? If the answer is yes, then get over it and think about the moms and dads out there who have children with special needs and those parents that will have to take care of a “child” even when they are old and grey and will never see a break. Just a little something to think about.

Jessica 1 year ago

I always said I wasn’t having any kids. Every time I heard a screaming child I would tell whoever was around. …And now I’ve got 3 kids. Ages 10, 7 and 3. I can relate with your whole article. Some days I wonder what was I thinking. Other days I’m glad my husband and I decided on this journey. But many times a day I think “and this is why I wasn’t going to have any…” thank you for your encouraging article.

Melissa Jenna Godsey 1 year ago

This really hits home. I never wanted to be a mother. Not ever. I never dreamed of babies, and I’ve never felt maternal. I knew myself well enough to know that I’m too self-centered and too ambitious to have children. My background is too broken to be a healthy parent.

Yet here I am, with a (nearly) 4 year old daughter.

And you know what? My self-centeredness? My broken background? Those were true of me back then. I had it right. But motherhood is a powerful thing. Motherhood changed me, and it changed me for the better. I am not the same person I used to be, and I am eternally grateful for that. Read the author’s blog, and then come back to this post, and read it in context. Toni loves her babies beyond measure. She never wanted babies, but that doesn’t mean she loves them any less. Motherhood has changed her, too, and I think it’s freaking beautiful.

As for my daughter, she is a light in the world, and watching her grow bigger and brighter is the single greatest pleasure in my life. I would trade all of the magical experiences of my life for the chance to live these years with Ellie over again. I should write NuvaRing a letter, thanking them for their failure. 😉

Kellee 1 year ago

I just wrote a post on this a few days ago!!!!

Judy Daniell 1 year ago

Love this! It’s unfortunate that the only moms who get to start the job on the right foot are the ones who adore the infant/toddler phase. For the rest of us, we must endure those years to get to the sweet spot. My boys are 11, 9, and 6 and this is the best phase. I wish I could have started here. They like me, they listen to me mostly, they are independent…just want to freeze them.

Kaycee 1 year ago

Thank you so much for this. I’ve felt this way for 9 years when I was 18 and had my first right after graduating high school. I’m the outcast of all the moms I know. I’m the “bad mom” when I post just the littlest bit of my feelings. But like you, I still post what I feel because of the other outcasts. The other black sheep. The others just like us who need to know they are not bad moms when they are at the breaking point with their kids. I now have 2 kids and a 3rd on the way, all while stating to myself (and admittedly sometime out loud) that having kids wasn’t for me. I’m the mom who tries to stay honest while getting ripped on for feeling the way I do when my 9 going on 16 year old makes me rip out my hair, single strand at a time. Thank you for this and having the bravery to show it to the blogging world. I hope you know you’ve just gained a cyber-friend :)

Erin Jimenez 1 year ago

Omg people. Every damn mother has felt this way at some point. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her kids, it’s just that the life she envisioned has changed. I had the same problem, my son was not planned and I had to give up my career because of complications in the pregnancy. I honestly didn’t want kids, but now that I have him, I love him. There days when I’m like wtf did I get myself into, but that’s NORMAL. People are always so quick to judge others, get off your moral high horses.

JF R Uyeda 1 year ago

I think by the time you have several kids and managed to keep them alive for a few years, it is too late to dwell on the idea that you didn’t want the job. You’re doing it. Done deal. Have your cry, put on your big girl panties, and do it. Enjoy the ride. No turning back, so why torment yourself with an outdated perspective? You’re only making your life miserable. If you can’t change the way things are with action, then change the way you think about them with attitude.

Melissa Maiorana 1 year ago

Smh. Being a mother can be difficult. Suck it up and deal. If you didn’t want kids you should have gone out of your way to prevent pregnancy. If you dwell on the everyday struggles and the negative, that’s all you see. You’ll miss all the good stuff.

allara 1 year ago

I am a mom to a beautiful 13 month-old. He was planned and we are happy. Even though we feel our family is complete, we have an incomprehensible amount of pressure to have a second one. No one considers that it would be not only financially hard but it would ruin my career to have to care for another human being. Thank you for the article and thank you for letting me know it is ok. I love being a mom (sorry) but I am at my limit. And it is ok.

Abby 1 year ago

Needed to read this. Thank you.

Liz 1 year ago

This is a really brave post. I applaud you for you sharing.

One question for the author and those who also didn’t want kids and now have more than one: why did you have the subsequent kids if you don’t enjoy being a mother to one? So I ask you, out of genuine curiosity, why did you have the second kid if you weren’t ready to be a mother to the first one?

Qasharah Dean 1 year ago

My first pregnancy wasn’t “planned”, but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was my whole purpose in life: to be a mom. I don’t think of my life without her because I think this was the only path I could have ever made it down. I was very self-destructive, and she has given me my will to survive through all hardships. I am now pregnant with her little sister (planned), and I know my love will be equal. I do not judge any mother for their feelings, but I know personally the second the pregnancy test read positive, I felt hopeful for the first time in my life, and I owe my daughters my best (though it is not perfect by any means) because they are my life and no other life is even conceivable.

Brenda Walls 1 year ago

My children were planned almost to a tee….the struggle is life sucking and life changing planned or not..if we are being honest of course….regardless of planned/unplanned being a mom is not for the faint of heart!

rene howitt 1 year ago

Child development and parenting education needs to begin in our middle schools. Family Consumer Science teachers (FACS) are trained professionals. Most of our schools staff these teachers but not all…they all should. Most schools offer these classes but not all….they all should. School administrators should be guiding all students towards these classes as 85% of us become parents. That means that 85% will utilized the skills taught everyday of our life for over two decades. How much abuse and neglect do we need to see before we make this type of education a priority?

Brenda 1 year ago

If you asked me when I was younger if I wanted kids, the answer was: NO! I HAVE CATS. I DON’T NEED KIDS! And then I got pregnant at 33. I don’t regret it for a moment. Life didn’t turn out as I’d imagined. But it’s really OK!

Julie Greeler Jensen 1 year ago

Amazingly honest. I admit I’m the mom who always wanted to be one and often talk about how much I love it. I do realize it’s not for everyone. I am so glad I read this as it has opened my eyes to be more compassionate to the moms who don’t feel the same way about motherhood that I do. Thank you for this. I will work harder on being more compassionate.

Charmaine Rabe Ellis 1 year ago

I thought it was only me

Chris B 1 year ago

Nice and truthful! I painstakingly avoided having children through my first two marriages. And thereafter. BAM! At the height of my career, my single life, I got pregnant in my mid forties. Yes. My mid forties. Buuuuuut, in the end, now that she’s a littler version of my independence, my bullish attitude, my goofy demeanor, my determination . . . Wouldn’t change it for the world. She is my little legacy, she is the reason why I bought all this cool jewelry . . . As much as it was never part of my plan, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Claudia Schmitt Fuchs 1 year ago

I can’t believe how hostile some of these posts are… People are people and entitled to their feelings whether you feel the same or not – its really unfair to judge based on your version of acceptable.

Cindy Espinoza 1 year ago

Motherhood: the only time you experience heaven AND hell at the same time. This rings true whether you dreamt of mothering or not!

Heather Keller Evers 1 year ago

I am lucky to be one of those moms that desperately wanted a child AND finds that motherhood is even better than I’d hoped for. It’s also harder than what I’d hoped for. I think it is so brave and so important for mothers to be honest about their experiences. We all fall on a spectrum of happiness with our lives and you’re not alone no matter where you fall within that spectrum.

Jen 1 year ago

I always wanted to be a mom. I had 2 children when I was quite young. My third child came later in life unplanned like my first. I can’t imagine life without them. It was hard to go from 13 and 15 year old to a newborn in diapers. Much harder then I anticipated. She’s 7 now an amazing beautiful brilliant girl I can’t imagine life without my kids

Tracy 1 year ago

I never wanted kids either but now that my son just turned 3 I would love another, but we can’t… Too old! Life is strange! Never say never!!!

Desiree 1 year ago

This is such an amazing feeling to know I’m not a horrible human being for thinking the way I do. I believe we are giving children to match our individual personalities. I was blessed with a very independent two year old, and thank god, because I’m not the type to wait on him hand and foot. I’m not compassionate, or “motherly”. Mine and my sons personalities mesh well. Which makes it a little easier to not want to throw in the towel as often. Thank you for posting this!

Karen 1 year ago

“Being a good mom is hard enough let alone being one when it was the last thing you ever wanted.”

This is by far the best thing I have ever read. Alongside this article, of course :-)

Trish 1 year ago

Even those of us who wanted and planned kids feel this way some days! It’s not easy and they are pretty gross a lot of the time!!!!

Candis Scott 1 year ago

I didn’t want kids wouldn’t trade it for the world I AM 26 years old and they will not allow someone my age with less than 4 children to have tubes tied. I had an IUD when I found out I was pregnant and raking birth control pills to help with ovarian issues. I don’t want anymore children and I am not allowed by the law to get my tubes tied. Rachel Bennet Henry. Some places don’t give you the option after 2 kids or 1. My daughter has a rare lung disease that is GENETIC and no dr in this state will tie my tubes cause of my age and the fact I have less than 4 children

Kayla 1 year ago

in my case… i never wanted kids, but I was adopted as a baby, and that was a HARD way to grow up knowing that your birth mother didnt love you enough to keep you… the ONE person who was suppose to love you no matter what just gave you away like garbage…. i think i never wanted kids because of this…
so when i did get pregnant i knew that was NEVER a option i would never put a child through the emotional shit i went through. and i would never abort a baby because had my birth mother chosen that option i wouldnt be here today…

now dont get us moms who never wanted to be mothers wrong… WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN! love, love, love, love them. but motherhood is a thankless, hard, pain in the ass job, it SUCKS sometimes… and if you happen to think its all roses and rainbows and unicorns then you my friend are a saint!! i would never turn back time and have used protection that night… never in a million years. but that doesnt mean i cant sit down sometimes and think about what life would be like had i never had DD.

Leann Hamilton 1 year ago

There is a humongous difference between “I didn’t want kids” and ” I don’t want the kids I have”. I never wanted kids, never saw it in my future and could never imagine ever having any. I have three. Love them to death and every day I struggle and I make sacrifices to make sure I go without so they can go with. They know I never wanted kids and they don’t take offense to it. I’m honest with all of them and I’ve never lied about anything to them. They make my life enjoyable and I enjoy every day I have with them. Would I change anything if I had the chance? Not a chance in hell!! So, all you ignorant, self indulgent, assholes that have nothing positive to say to anyone can go live in your plastic bubble and judge people somewhere else.

Kayla 1 year ago

THANK YOU!!
my whole life i never wanted kids, even when all the other little girls were playing with their dolls. all it took was the heat of one moment and here our little girl is. I used to beat myself up over thinking ‘this is why i never wanted kids… this isnt the life i wanted’ but ive come to terms with feeling that way and slowly after almost 6 years im getting the hang of it all and starting to enjoy being a parent… but it took forever to get to this point. I want another child now I never liked being a only child growing up so i feel the need to give her that… but still i ask myself every day “why the hell do i want another kid” I hate being a parent but at the same time now atleast i love it too

Dominique 1 year ago

Umm…this “infertility crap” isn’t a choice. You having a kid you don’t want IS a choice. There are women who try to conceive for 2, 5, 10 years with no luck…yet it seems that it comes easiest to the women who take it for granted. Some women endure month after month, and sometimes even year after year, of getting their hopes up that THIS will be their month, only to be let down and disappointed and heartbroken over and over again when yet another fertility treatment didn’t work…not to mention the drain on their bank accounts to pay for such treatments, and the strain it causes in their relationships, and the toll it takes on their mental and emotional well-being. Then these poor women see a women who says “omg, poor me, my husband and I had sex one time in 4 months and I’m pregnant with twins” or “gee, my life sucks, I had to buy my kid diapers instead of getting my nails done this week, fml” and other things of that nature, and it takes the infertile women’s already broken heart and crushes it into dust…knowing they can’t have what they long for, while these other women are worried about how much their life “sucks” because their friends are going to a concert without them. Is that your problem…? Nope. But if you didn’t want kids you didn’t have to have them…so don’t compare your irresponsible choice, to someones medical condition.

Brendan 1 year ago

I’m not sure you know what “free speech” means. People are allowed to judge you and criticize you for what you say. People can boycott your business, vote you off the board of directors, and kick you out of their club because of the views you express. The first amendment only protects you from the government suppressing your speech. The author can express her opinion on the internet and commenters can say whatever they want in the comment section. In fact, the author can delete the comments and that doesn’t violate free speech!

Dominique 1 year ago

I can’t find my original comment, so I’m assuming it was removed. I went back and reread this article…multiple times, actually…trying to see it from a different perspective and I just can’t. My original post wasn’t meant to be judgemental per se…I’m more confused than anything else. If a woman doesn’t want kids, why would she have them…? And more than one, at that? And if she had them “by accident” (assuming there was a glitch in the chosen method of birth control), why would she keep them if she didn’t want them…? There are countless women who would give their left arm to have a baby, but can’t, who’d love the opportunity to take your unwanted “mistakes”, so to speak, off your hands…and it is indescribably painful for those women to hear things like this from a women who clearly takes her ability to reproduce for granted. My mom had me at 18 and although she never came out and said she didn’t want me, I could ALWAYS sense it and feel the pent up resentment she harbored towards me…from the way she’d sigh and proceed like a zombie, like an empty shell of a human being when I’d say I was hungry or thirsty as a kid, right up until present day where she constantly chooses her friends over spending family time with me and/or my son. I just don’t understand how a woman ends up in those shoes if they don’t want to be there, when there are so many contrary options. If I didn’t want a dog, I wouldn’t go ahead and buy one knowing I didn’t want one…that’s just ridiculous. Why would anyone have a kid if they didn’t want it, when they know how to prevent it? And on the chance that it was an accident, why would they not look into adoption? I really just want to understand…because it just doesn’t make sense to me. No one is saying every women has to want to be a mother…but at the end of the day it is ultimately YOUR choice, so if you don’t want to be, then just don’t!

Laura Gertie Tanghe 1 year ago

As someone who never really wanted kids, and was relieved when the drs told her that she has a hormone imbalance that renders her infertile, I was devastated to find myself pregnant. I kept my child because I felt it was the right thing to do regardless of the crippling depression I had throughout my pregnancy.

I love my son and my entire life is now dedicated to him. I am always searching to become a better mother to him and to give him the best of everything.

It doesn’t mean I don’t know for a fact that my life would be easier if I had gone through with the abortion. It doesn’t mean. I don’t wonder what I could be doing if he were never born. How I would feel. Where I would be working. Living. Seeing.

I get this article. I’m glad I’m not alone.

Thank you.

Mimi 1 year ago

Wow I thought I was the only one who felt this way. When I had expressed my feelings I was given the you are ungrateful look.

Weberly 1 year ago

I never really wanted children either. I grew up in an incredibly abusive household, I was mommy and wife in way too many ways. I’ve been beaten, burned, starved, I’ve had bones broken (basically if you can imagine it…it happened) I never wanted children because I was afraid. Plain and simple. I was afraid that since this was all that I known that that’s what I would be. Somebody would back talk and they would lose a tooth. I was SO afraid of myself. Fast forward 17 years and I have 4 children, I do my share of yelling and occasionally bad words come roaring out…but, I have NEVER harmed my kids in any way. I’m not perfect I’m sure I’ve hurt my share of feelings or ticked them off…but I’m proud to say I actually enjoy motherhood I love my lil stinkies more than I love myself and I’m not afraid anymore. That is one of the saddest parts of my life is that what happened to me as a child almost killed my desire to be somebody’s mother. And I am in no way judging I just think it’s sad that I can remember wanting to be a mommy SO badly, but feeling that stripped, drained , and burned out of me over the years. As much as I love it now I still have those moments where I KNOW I didn’t sign on for this. But so far (because of my personal reason) I’ve never had the thought that “this is why I didn’t want children” I’m thankful for that , even while cleaning poop off of something weird. I think it’s good to be honest with ourselves about everything and I’ve told my children that I never wanted to be a mom. I’ve told them why. But I’ve also told them that I’m SO glad that I am, I wouldn’t change it and they all understand. Yes my kids know about my life as a child (in as age appropriate way as possible) and they are glad I’m their mom.

Grace 1 year ago

I think more parents should be honest about this and own it. Motherhood is hard and isn’t for everyone. Waiting until 40 was a good thing for me. I probably wouldn’t have been a good mother 10 years ago!

Liz Marie 1 year ago

I can totally relate.

Ellis 1 year ago

I don’t want kids. Talking to preschoolers is exhausting. Parenting looks really hard and I don’t think I’d be very good at it. I’d rather not need a sitter, make all my own messes, and spend all my money on myself! :) It’s very convenient having a female partner as accidents are unlikely.

That being said, just because you don’t want “kids” doesn’t mean you don’t want YOUR kid. My dad doesn’t like kids, but he loved me to pieces. And if my nephews needed a home, I’d take them in a heartbeat. I don’t want kids…but I love those boys!

I’m a mother too 1 year ago

I had three children. They’re adults now. None of them were planned. My mother was a nightmare so it made sense I wasn’t going to automatically be the best mother and was often pretty horrific as a mother myself. Needless to say I made a ****load of mistakes. I yelled at them and spanked them. I never listened to them. I didn’t recognize the unique little individuals they were and didn’t encourage them to do what they loved. They never knew it by the way I treated them, but when I think back I remember always having an overpowering feeling of love for them much more than how hard it was. I know better now, but at the time I didn’t how to be more honest with myself and acknowledge what I really felt. Back then, moms didn’t talk about how hard it was to be a mother. We thought our only option was to tough it out and that’s what I did. Believe me, I don’t say that, as if it should be a badge of honor for me. I don’t encourage It at all. It just made me into a self proclaimed martyr.. So I really like the honesty and encouragement of self care that takes place on these blogs for moms today. But I have a question. My daughter has a baby. She never wanted children and took all the right precautions, but got pregnant anyway. She’s actually a good mama. But she talks alot about how hard it is to be a mother. And I mean a lot. I am wondering if all the talk about how hard it is to be a mom, isn’t causing the focus to be on how ‘hard’ it is as opposed to allowing themselves to feel more of the joy that comes from being a mother. I recognize now that I didn’t do my kids any favors by sacrificing everything I was, for my kids. This self care thing is so much wiser than the way we used to look at motherhood., But it seems though as if so much focus on how ‘hard’ it is to have to be a mother and leaves less focus on the all joys children bring.. At the end of your blog you said this. .”You don’t have to follow up your woes or complaints with, “But I love my kids.”We know. And your children know, too.” Instinctively, I feel my grandchild senses how her mom feels about being a mother. It seems as though that could be part of why it’s so ‘hard’ for my daughter to be a mom. What is it that I’m missing?

Patrick 1 year ago

If she didn’t regret it she wouldn’t be posting a “poor me” article for a bunch of simpathy from “mothers who totally relate and didn’t want kids but had them because sex is so fun and cool but forgot that sex is an act that usually produces children”. Rediculous.

Patrick 1 year ago

You never wanted kids but you have two?!? Fuck this post. You obviously have no responsibility and no brains and that makes sense and tells me a lot about you as a person. This post will probably not be approved and deleted because I’m a Male posting on a women’s blogs that I frequently like and relate to, but this is absolute bullshit. It’s like a 16 year old mother posting because she can’t go to the prom so she can take care of her kid she didn’t plan for. We’ll Tina, this is now public, and I really hope your children see how much you “love” them.

Kristin Castle 1 year ago

I struggle every day with motherhood, yet I have never ever wished or imagined my life without them, ever. I feel no sympathy for a parent of an unappreciated child. I feel blessed every day, even on my worse days. I don’t get this. Poor kids.

Lauren Agricola Meyers 1 year ago

I planned mine and feel this way every day. Is that so bad? Nope. Just honest. Sometimes writing gets it off your chest so you can scrub the poop off the walls and get on with it. We’re not all stellar parents but we love our children all the same.

Sista CK 1 year ago

I usually don’t feel moved enough to respond to a blog post, simply because I honor the wonderfulness of other’s opinions. However this article got to me. Being that I don’t know this mother personally and this is only thing I’ve read of hers, it seems like she could use some professional support because her bio and the tone of the article comes off as if this is very everyday life and that’s she’s not looking to change anything. We all have our moments, but when those moments occur daily, it’s time to seek solutions instead of looking for a pity party tribe on the internet. I wrote more on my blog. Feel free to check it out if you want.
http://gobreathego.com/2014/07/08/to-the-mother-who-never-wanted-children/

Heather Arbuckle 1 year ago

If you feel you will be “stuck” with unwanted kids, adoption is an option if abortion isn’t your cup of tea. I thank God every day for our birth mom. I wish there was a more positive light on adoption.

Shea Estrada 1 year ago

I appreciate your truth. I always wanted kids. But when I had my daughter I didn’t want to do it anymore. Every fiber of me said this is too hard. Thank God I found out I had a bit of postpartum and with help and a lot of prayer I got through it. It’s still hard everyday but I wouldn’t give up being my daughters mommy for a second

Alison 1 year ago

Motherhood is hard, planned or unplanned. I didn’t think I wanted kids, then we decided yes, we should. And I love my children. Hard. But there are days yes, when I think, ah, if only….. but they’re fleeting, and I am grateful for my lot.

Toni, I appreciate your honesty, and I know that many moms can relate. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your children, it just means that some days, you don’t love being a mother, and I think EVERY mom can relate to that. I’m sorry you’re getting flack for saying what’s in your heart. Don’t let that stop you from continuing to be honest, to put it out there, to tell your story. There are many more who do understand, who do support you. Write on.

Jodie Grandinetti Buckley 1 year ago

I hope your children never see this…

Sarah Guyon Gerrish 1 year ago

As a mom who always wanted kids, I can’t say that I can relate, but good for you for doing the best you can to take care of your kids, even though they weren’t in your plans.

Rebbecca Mercier 1 year ago

I hope her children never read this article

Kelli 1 year ago

I am a non-mom, who never had kids, never imagined it, never dreamt about it, but was always questioned s to why i didnt procreate with my, now, ex-husband. I met a man who I fell madly for. He had a very spoiled 3yr old that had no mommy. I tried on the shoes,and they didn’t fit. I would have stayed, but I feel that ‘My God’ said “here, this is a taste of what you think you missed out on”. Things between him and I didn’t work out, and I hurt for her loss of ‘My Kelli” (I refused to be called mom unless the biological mom was ok with it)…but I am secretly relieved that I don’t have to raise this child, any child…I’m just not cut out of that same cloth. It’s not in my destiny, not my path. Although I am deeply hurt by the way things evolved, I am also relieved that I am not responsible for the emotional and physical growth of another. Maybe one would view that as selfish, but to me it is simply what ‘IS’. I NEVER dreamt of being a mommy…ever. Reserve that title for those women who desire it, not me…Im just Kelli.

Brooke Tetrault 1 year ago

I hope you are able to find SOME joy in parenting. Don’t. be so hard on yourself. Life never goes as planned. Let go.

AJM 1 year ago

I never wanted the job either. I was very much aware of the responsibilities and the sacrifices and my mind was already made up at the age of 12 that I would not be good at this kind of job. But, alas, I fell in love and my ideals were eventually run down from years of begging and cajoling from my now hubby and family and I decided to go ahead and have one to please everyone and stop the nagging. I don’t regret this decision but damm it! even with me knowing exactly what the job description was and what I was getting into and what was expected of me….holy learning curve! Hardest job ever to learn and to feel proficient at. So now I’ve put my foot down yet again. No more kiddies for me, after my 25+ year contract is up, I’ll be moving on to other ventures hahaha. Having babies should never be about pleasing others or following others expectations it should always be because this is a job or career you want and are ready to do.

Cammy Couture 1 year ago

Nothing wrong with telling the truth to your kids!

Heather Beckey Bixler 1 year ago

One word: adoption.

Kayce Foster 1 year ago

While I admire the bloggers honesty I’ve got issues with this. As someone who takes care of children of people that should not be parents or are poor parents (I’m a foster mom) there are always other options. If her and her husband didn’t plan for or want kids then adoption was an option. With adoption you have people that actually want a child. I’m not saying she’s a bad parent and I’m sure even though she didn’t want them she loves her kids. I also hope her kids never read this blog. I don’t care how old you are, knowing you were not wanted sucks.

Jasmine Rodriguez 1 year ago

I didn’t want kids before I had them either and I certainly didn’t plan on it happening when it did and my kids are well aware of that as I don’t believe in lying to my kids or see any reason to hide my past from them. What they do know at 15 and 13 is that I love them more than anything even if I didn’t “want/plan” them. Doesn’t make me or anyone else a bad mom. My mom was the same with me and I have never felt unloved or unwanted just because I was unplanned and probably not “wanted” at the time when she was just 18. Don’t ask me to watch yours though, I still don’t like other peoples kids;)

Jane 1 year ago

Whilst I love my daughter and my preganancy was planned I don’t feel ashamed to admit that I hated being pregnant or that marriage and children where not things I wanted when I was growing up. Her father and I divorced when she was two and even though being a single parent is tough I’m actually pretty happy with the way things turned out and have no regrets that I walked away from a bad marriage. I’m glad my daughter has such a great step mum because I know that I do not have it in me to be a fantastic mother 24/7. Having time away from being a mum has actually made me a better one because i now appreciate and enjoy the time I have with my daughter a lot more. Some women just aren’t cut out to be the typical devoted, stay at home mother society expects. As much as I am glad that I have my daughter in my life I have no desire to get remarried or have more kids. I get the best of both worlds and I like things exactly the way they are.

Eva 1 year ago

I live in a conservative Asian country. You can just imagine how hard it is to keep a straight face and pretend that I’m okay being a mother when I’m not. I have dreams and I feel unhappy sometimes that I can’t run after them because I’m busy making my kid’s dreams come true.

K 1 year ago

I never wanted children, I have days when I think to myself that it would be nice to do something I want to do for once. (I’m a stay at home mom because of necessity so I spend almost every moment of my life with my children) Does that mean I hate my children? No. Have I complained about my children occasionally? Yes. Could my child find out about it in the future? Yes, very much so… hell I plan on recording temper tantrums and showing it to them later in life as birth control. But my children will know why I feel the way I do, and my children also know I love them very much and would do anything for them. But there are certainly days when I look at my life of making meals, changing diapers, scrubbing my carpets and floors, and the absolute hell of dealing with my husbands ex wife over my step child and think to myself “What the f happened?! This was not the plan!”

Because myself, my parents were in their 40’s when they had me, my siblings were almost all out of the house before I was born, I wasn’t planned but I was cared for. Unfortunately my siblings were all having children when I was very young, and since I had 5 siblings there were a lot of nieces and nephews… which meant they turned to their little sister ‘who had nothing else to do’ to essentially be a live in nanny to all of their kids. I have been a huge part of raising my 13 nieces and nephews… by the time I became an adult I decided I was done living for other people. Then I found out at 19 that I was supposed to be sterile do to issues with endometrosis, I was actually pretty fine with it. I found someone I really liked and he had a kid who he had on the weekends, I liked that. It really honestly was the best of both worlds because my step son was there to nurture and then when I wanted to do things for myself there was still a few days to be able to do it. Then I found out I was pregnant, which was a huge shock to me, I cried for months over it. Not just because I didn’t want a kid, but because I knew I couldn’t give up my own child, because I knew I didn’t have the mentality to get an abortion, because honestly I knew what kind of life I could give to my child and I wasn’t sure if anyone could ever hold up to my standards to raise my child, because I already loved my child. But I still didn’t want to be a mother… as incredibly selfish as it is, I want my own life at some point I gave up my childhood to raise children. But I know that my children need me, and honestly I drive to make sure both of my children have the best lives possible, some even call them spoiled… Not wanting to be a parent does not mean that I’m not a good parent (because frankly I kick ass at it, ask anyone including my kids) and it doesn’t mean I don’t love them. It just means on random occasions I blank out and think of what might have been if I would have kept climbing to the top in my career instead of halting it to make sure my children get the best footing I can possibly give them so they become successful, well-balanced, and happy adults. So right now my life is on hold, while I grit through steadily becoming a dreaded soccer mom (without the babysitters, nannies, and various other people who do my job for me.)

Amy K. 1 year ago

I am one of those women who only ever dreamed of being a mom, and it is certainly my calling… but. I didn’t know anything automatically. I had a REALLY hard time with all the things I had to give up because I was pregnant. My first kid was three months old before I thought it would be better to be home alone with him than out with People, ANY PEOPLE. I felt SO LUCKY to find a part time job where they paid me to sit at a desk & type & no one screamed, or touched me, or interrupted me. I still think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t had my kids, and in some ways it seems like it would have been pretty dang fabulous. I guess what I’m trying to say is, knowing you wanted kids does not automatically make it easy or natural.

Joanne Arnold 1 year ago

I’m a stepmother who never wanted kids and still doesn’t want them. However, when I see my husband’s son and just the ray of pure joy that he is, I’m glad he has him. I don’t think I’ll ever want my own, since I entirely missed the baby stage and my stepson will be going to school in the fall, but I look forward in taking pride in all of his accomplishments, helping him with homework, taking him to soccer practice or what have you. It’s crazy; I never thought that one could not be a biological parent and still take so much pride in a child’s achievements. I would say I have the best of both worlds. I get the pride and joy that parents feel for their children with a lot of the child-free fun and the dream career that I’ve always wanted. I feel incredibly blessed to have a little boy who loves me so much without any obligation to do so.

Cheryl Stevens 1 year ago

I love this. My daughter was not planned and I never wanted to have kids. I love her with all my heart, but when it gets tough I think very similar to what this explained.
And regarding the posts that they feel sorry for the children of the author, that may not be so. My miter was honest with me from day one, as I was unplanned and a difficult baby. I appreciate her honesty and don’t feel bad. Her honesty has helped me with my own (unplanned) daughter

Brenda Adler 1 year ago

My mom had her tubes tied… and then two years later the doctors couldn’t figure out why she was so tired and nauseated all the time. She was pregnant of course, it wasn’t always easy to have to start over with kids so much later in life.

Tubal ligations are not 100%. No method is. Tubals and vasectomies are also not a safe option for certain medical issues, and the long term side effects and risks of vasectomies seem to be mounting every year.

Maggie Sacco 1 year ago

I get it. I didn’t want kids – ever – until I was 40. So I had one. He’s fantastic and I am bursting with love for the kid, but just last night while he was sound asleep in my bed, again….sweating and snoring on me….I got a series of texts and videos from the Nick Cave concert happening at that very moment on the opposite coast and I thought, “This is why I never wanted kids.”

Kelly Skeehan Adair 1 year ago

Just cause someone didn’t want kids, doesn’t nean they love their kids less than someone who does. Every person who has made a negative mistske, all I have to say is glass houses. I’m sure you’re not perfect mothers since their is no such thing, and you are just as likely to mess up your child’s mental health as every other parent in the world

Kelley-Anne Amero 1 year ago

Hell. I wanted mine and I feel exactly like this about the whole motherhood thing. I didn’t realize I probably didn’t have the temperament for them until they were already here. Oh well. Life goes on and you do the best you can. Great honest post.

Kelly Skeehan Adair 1 year ago

Just cause someone doesn’t want kids, doesn’t mean that they love their

Leah Gillen 1 year ago

Thank you so much for posting this, good to know I’m not alone.

Inna 1 year ago

It’s ok to feel that way. I had the same fears when I was pregnant with my first. I told myself I would never have another ever again. And then my son came and everything changed. I was so surprised at how much I actually loved being a mom. And here I am pregnant with my second (planned).
I do worry that you jumped the gun on making your husband get fixed. Wishing you the best of luck!

carrie z 1 year ago

Oh goodness….how many times have I sat alone, locked in the bathroom asking myself the same question? Having been an only child who never babysat any children, I had a very disillusioned idea of what starting a family would be like. Having 2 boys ages 4 and 2 have been the most frustrating, chaotic and unexpected miracle I could have ever imagined. But I love them to death and know this stage won’t last forever. Thank you for your honesty…It somehow makes things better just knowing that I am not alone in this crazy adventure and it’s just what I needed to hear today…:-)

GunDiva 1 year ago

I got the same song and dance from my doctor about being “too young” for a tubal ligation. I countered with the fact that I was “too young” to have three children under four years old, when I was only twenty-three.

I don’t regret having my children, and like you, I’ve been honest with them. But sometimes God has other plans for us and we just have to roll with it.

GunDiva 1 year ago

Birth control failure. Three times. Each time my doc would promise to give me a “stronger” pill. Um, no thanks. I never wanted to have kids, but I do love them and I don’t regret a single thing. However, I have been honest with my kids (who are all adults now) about not wanting kids and how God is laughing at me. We’ve turned it into a positive message, not a negative one. It’s also been a lesson about how birth control can fail and that if they don’t want to be parents at a young age, maybe they should double up :)

Nadine Codling 1 year ago

I say it’s great to be honest if you never wanted kids. I didn’t and I felt like the worst mother in the world. It took 2.5 yrs to bond and really love my daughter. It’s helpful to other mums to know that it will get easier. And as long as your kids know you love them as they grow up its ok to feel overwhelmed x

Nicole Naylor 1 year ago

Wow- eye opening

Leesh Quinn 1 year ago

I woke up almost every morning for the first few years of being a parent wondering what the hell I was doing, needing it to sink in (over and over) that this was my life. I wanted kids.. but it was a whole lot more than this (at the time) 23 year old bargained for.
That doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids, or should have aborted them. 7 years (and plenty of life experience) later, this is exactly where I need to be. Wouldn’t change it if I could!
There is already enough expectation on us to ‘be’ a certain way.. so now we should ‘feel’ a certain way too?
the author has stepped outside of this ridiculous sheep mentality,and said it how it is (for her!).. maybe those having a cry about it should quit judging and try doing the same thing for once.

Southie 1 year ago

I know exactly what you mean and appreciate you writing this! It is refreshing to know that other Moms out there can openly admit this without being or feeling demonized for such a statement. I didn’t want children either, my son was unplanned, and to top it off…his father was a jerk who has never met my son. I find myself on stressful days stating this very same thing and then feeling so incredibly guilty for even thinking that way because I was raised that mothers should never EVER think such things.

Danyell Nicole-Group 1 year ago

LOVE THIS

Amanda 1 year ago

I needed to read this. With all of the mommy blogs out there that show happy moms who would sacrifice everything for their children, it is nice to know I’m not alone.

Kelly Slim 1 year ago

I believe this article took an enormous amount of courage to write. I find it really sad to read so many negative and some down right nasty comments left on here. Surely as mums we should encourage and support one another!!! Dear god the woman isn’t saying she starves her kids – it’s such a relevant and brutally honest thing to discuss and something I can certainly relate to – many of us would never admit these feelings but heck we are all just doing the best we can!!!

Catrina Lopez 1 year ago

I’m so over this infertility crap. It’s NOT my fault you can’t have kids. I am sorry for those that can’t, truly. But since when does your fertility or lack there of, give you the right to dictate how I’m allowed to feel about my kids…..?

Vanessa Hirst 1 year ago

My midwife said because I didn’t want my baby and knew being a mum is difficult I was in a more realistic place than women who thought it would be all cute bunnies and rainbows lol. My lo was a ‘surprise’ but I am glad I have her now. I didn’t need to sleep and watch tv anyway!

Leslie Race 1 year ago

Mine was unplanned but taken on faith it was the path I was on. I figured I would have a child somewhere down the line, but I was equally prepared to have none. So my faith and my daughter got me through some tough times and learning curves, but on the darker days I wondered why I hadn’t given her up for adoption: that she’d be so much better off without me. I knew I loved her but felt I was failing; the love won out, tho I’m still aware of my short comings. I’ve met moms like this writer who grit their teeth when ‘happy’ moms relate their joys. I would suggest, some are accentuating their positives as a mantra to sustain themselves through the tough times they don’t think they can share either. Mine was: gotta get a lot of mileage out of those 1 out 2 sweet things the kid did to carry you through the next 14, 30, 60 hard days. Maybe this is the last vestige of women’s rights: re-defining a family structure that lovingly supports the childrens growth. Remember the myriads of generations where child-rearing was a duty, so we have the opportunity to provide what we can and find other solutions for what (we think) we lack.

Anne 1 year ago

I never wanted children at all but decided I’d have just one. He was planned but the second I gave birth I asked myself, “What the fuck did I just do to my life?” That continued on an hourly basis for a good three months at least and then things got easier of course. Now that my guy is 2.5 years old I ask myself that question only once a month or so. The question still scares me so it’s nice to read articles like this, for it to be normalized.

There is definitely a divide between those who never wanted children but ended up having them, and those who always wanted children. Most, if not all, of our parent friends are in the “always wanted” camp and I can see their patience levels with their kids are higher than mine, that they are eager to play with or hold and comfort other people’s children while I’m fine to just kick back and relax for the few moments while my own kid is occupied and not needing me.

Claudia McCowan 1 year ago

^Eh, if I wanted to engage with this kind of self-congratulatory I’m-the-better-mommy-but-I’m-going-to-pretend-it’s-out-of-concern-for-the-children-because-I-cannot-conceive-of-kids-growing-up-to-be-emotionally-resilient-adults-who-understand-that-their-parents-were-human-beings-with-sometimes-complicated-internal-lives-like-the-rest-of-us BS I’d be spending time on Babycenter.

But best of luck to you with all that.

Shauntel McMullen 1 year ago

Asshat is one of my favourite names to call people who are assholes who wear big hats full to the brim of self righteousness :)

Shauntel McMullen 1 year ago

AMEN Jessi!!!!

Natalie Wynkoop 1 year ago

I’m one of those “envisioned my child’s nursery from the time I was in my own” and I still have days where I sit and think how cool we’d be without kids. We see this well off older women who CHOSE never to have children and think “I wish I was as smart as her”. But there’s a difference in feeling this completely human way and actually being a terrible mother. Some people just aren’t cut out to love motherhood, doesn’t make them crappy mothers.

Shauntel McMullen 1 year ago

Women SUCK!!! Why the hell are you bashing each other over the heads about this. Just because some women didn’t ever want to be mothers, does NOT mean they turned out to be terrible mom’s. I was one of those women. I don’t regret having my sons. I was and still am a single mom and both my boys have turned into amazing young men, both of whom I have amazing close relationships with. Women are supposed to be each others support system, and respect the honesty and openess of other women. Instead, sadly too many of them (you included) have turned into a bunch of backstabbing so and so’s. ….. the way I see it is this, this page is supposed to be a place of support and where women can come and share their stories, look for support and help if needed. If you don’t like what this page stands for, you are welcome to leave….in other words, DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT!

Jennifer Cummings Ledbetter 1 year ago

AMEN!!!!

Erin Rogers 1 year ago

Excellent article. I honestly never thought I’d want or actually have a baby. Now that I do I cannot imagine life without him, but I definitely have moments where I wonder what the hell was I thinking lol

stephanie 1 year ago

Thank you. I wanted kids – in theory – or should I say in dreams. Of course I knew nothing of the work and exhaustion and all involved – I can’t imagine going thru this and not having wanted them. I will say it is so nice to hear other mothers didn’t like their kids or love them till much older – I do struggle with this. And many – most days – I have thoughts like – “I don’t like many and most grown adults – no wonder I don’t really like my kids.” You don’t get to pick their personalities or temperments – I think a strange part of me thought children were miniclones of their parents – ha – one of 12,984 things I had wrong about parenting. I do love mine, but I often have thoughts that if I had to do it over, I wouldn’t. Honestly, I find the most peace about it all in God – His plans are not our plans and His ways are not ours. If it wasn’t for my belief and trust in HIm, I may have ran away long ago.

oldenough 1 year ago

amen to that, sister! i did want/plan to be a parent. but i’ll tell you what: having her in daycare 5 days a week is the main reason i enjoy her as much as i do. can’t tell you how many weekends i’m counting down the minutes to monday. sometimes i think hubby may judge a bit because of it but screw it. he has no idea whata bitchonwheels i’d be if i had to be a full-time mom.

Jackie Lynn 1 year ago

Lovely comment and I have to start using the word “cheeky”. :)

Christine 1 year ago

I am currently pregnant with my first when i was planning on zero. You turn to family and friends at times like these to talk out your fears, worries, and frustrations but all of a sudden they don’t feel like family and friends anymore because they don’t understand what you’re feeling. Instead you feel ashamed when they look at you with that face of disgust after spilling your guts on how you really feel about this situation.

Thank you so much for writing this. I don’t feel so alone anymore because I have found a family and a friend in these posts.

e.e.e. 1 year ago

I’m recently divorced, my one and only daughter lives with her dad because he wanted children and I did not. Sometimes I kick myself for not staying, not being able to be the mom I wanted to be, but then I have to remember that it was not any better for me to be there, quiet resentment leaking from my pores, losing my temper and crying myself into my pillow (there were other issues than just the child thing in my marriage, but I was a miserable mess that she could see day after day), than it is for me to leave and give her father the chance to find her a better mom. I’m still part of her life, after all, I am her mother. But I can be a better mother to her on a part-time basis.

Barbara Broughman 1 year ago

I can totally relate to the author here, my kids are my world but I should’ve listened to my mom who told me my whole life to stay single and don’t have kids.

Melissa Simmons 1 year ago

Honestly, I never liked children. Grade school, high school, and college, my opinion never changed.
I loved being independent, making my own money, living life on my terms.
Then I met my husband who wanted a family.
I now have two little girls. One of which who has a medical condition.
I’m a stay at home mom. I haven’t worked in five years. I feel trapped and depressed. And all I hear from family is how I’m a good mom, despite my dislike for children. Which is really an insult disguised as a compliment.
Our stories are all different. I am not a natural nurturer. I like my space, but that’s not an option for me anymore.
I constantly doubt myself. I wonder if I’m a good parent. If there’s something wrong with me. I cry myself to sleep every night.
Maybe motherhood is your dream. Maybe it’s something you’ve always wanted.
Despite all this, I love my girls. I color, practice shapes and colors, play in the blow up pool in my backyard, I read to them. I make sure they are clean, safe, and full.
I won’t adopt out because I’ve never shirked my responsibility and have no plans to start now.
Am I happy? No.
Am I content? I don’t know. Do I do my best every day to make sure they know they are cared about and loved? Damn straight I do.
And I guess that sometimes that has to be enough.

Melissa Cammarata- Reetz 1 year ago

I def understand what your saying. I have twins , some days are easier then others and other days I never wanted wine so much in my life lol. I don’t think that people shouldn’t be stressed. To me when I read it it seemed like she only had negative things to say. I appreciate your opinion. I think like you do ok my worst of days some people can’t get pregnant and would kill to be in our shoes on our most stressful day. We know bc we were In that position once.

Jamie 1 year ago

And I do love my kids don’t get me wrong

Jamie 1 year ago

Thank you for this I loved reading it because there are so many days when I think what the hell have I done! I have 4 kids and am a single mother and holy crap I think I got knocked in the head to hard once or twice. Being a mom is hard and there are so many days when I just bawl my self to sleep at night thinking can’t I just please give this all back! So thank you thank you thank you for this at least I know I am not alone!

Brook Nicole Hall 1 year ago

Isn’t love sacrifice? Those who are saying she should have aborted them or given them away, she chose to keep her babies because she does love them, she chose to show them that love by sacrificing the very life she had envisioned for herself and to give herself to them Instead. THAT is love.

Jana Lawton Kraich 1 year ago

As a mom who fought with infertility and desperately wanted children, I can’t relate to that part. But as much as I love my special girl we fought so hard to have, I still have these moments of doubt that this was a good idea and that I’m cut out for the job.

Crystal Hutto 1 year ago

“The moms who sit on the floor and cry at night with fear that, because our children weren’t planned, we’re screwing them up.”
THANK YOU!!! IM NOT ALONE!!!! thank you…

Jessie 1 year ago

KRisten says

This. This a million times over. My heart goes out to those poor kids if they ever find this post or their mom’s blog, twitter, facebook, etc. chronicling how these sentiments. I get that we’re a community of Mom’s and it’s good to be honest, but why punish your children publicly in this way?

– See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/i-never-wanted-children/#comment-403717

Whoa, think we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves, dontcha? You should really check out her other posts. Those “poor kids” don’t need your heart, as they are loved and cherished by a mother and a father who never planned on having them. How dare you assume that this one blog post must mean that these kids are being publicly punished because…. what? Mom is being honest? Again, you should read her other blogs before saying something so utterly cruel as, “My heart goes out to those poor kids”

Kathryn Young 1 year ago

^right there with you. I have 4. oldest is 5 with intense ADHD. Youngest is 4mon VERY clingy. Most days are rough. Drowning is exactly the feeling. I know it gets easier. I have seen the light. School is starting this fall for my oldest two.

Christina Stepnitz Crise 1 year ago

Melissa, it is sad that some couples struggle to have kids when they really want them and others get pregnant right away without even trying. My husband and I both struggle with infertility issues. We were finally blessed with our son this April after our first round of IVF luckily worked. However, I still get what the author is saying. I’ve thought more than once “Why did I do this?” particularly on nights when he is awake crying again for the billionth time after only sleeping for 30 minutes. Now, I try to keep in perspective that there are childless couples who would kill to be in my shoes (or slippers as the case may be) but that still doesn’t stop the thought from forming. Nor does it negate what the author is saying. I’m not accusing you of doing so, I’m simply saying that it is normal to feel sad about infertility, especially with a story as difficult as yours, and it is normal for a mom who never wanted kids to say “I never wanted kids and even though I love them, it doesn’t change the fact that I never saw myself in this role.”

Julie Warwick 1 year ago

I’m one of those moms that never wanted to be one. But at the age of 35 all of a sudden the pill failed me. That was 18 years ago. I didn’t want to have this child right up until the delivery room. In fact I asked my gyno if we could wait just a couple more weeks as I was in throes of labor. She laughed and said she could wait if I could. But from the moment that little girl was handed to me after she was born…the world shifted a little bit and I was so glad that this awful thing happened to me. Just because you don’t want to be a mom doesn’t mean you can’t end up being a great one. My daughter leaves for college in 6 weeks and it just might be the hardest day of my life….right after the one when I found out I was pregnant!

Kelsey 1 year ago

This author is a very close friend of mine, and I can testify that she is a VERY loving and amazing mom! I’ve known her before kids and now, and I know she adores her kids, regardless of whether or not they were planned. I think it’s completely fine to tell your kids that they weren’t the original plan for your life, but that clearly God had other BETTER plans! It’s a testimony to how great God is. To say that you feel sorry for her kids makes me sad, because this mom is my friend – and EVERY time we get together (on a pretty weekly basis) we just talk about how awesome our kids are. She’s not saying she doesn’t love her kids, she’s just being honest. Please don’t kick a mom down like this. It’s not helpful and if you disagree with this post, you don’t have to respond. It seems that other moms are finding great comfort from this blog post, so maybe next time just bite your tongue, shake you head, and move on. No need to be negative.

Jessi Miller 1 year ago

I think the Scary Mommy policy needs to be reiterated again. I could sooo relate to this article. It made me feel so much better to see that I was not the only person on the planet who felt that way. Then reading the comments reminded me why I never share my feelings like that with anyone. The comments on the article are just completely asshole-ish (is that a word? It is now). They make women who feel that way out to be wretched witches of mothers.
Here’s the disclaimer shared on all Scary Mommy posts “The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn’t add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don’t be a dick, please.”
PS I LOVE MY KIDS too btw. Life just turned out differently than planned.

Jessie 1 year ago

I’m curious at what point in her blog she says she tells her children repeatedly that she never wanted kids? I suggest reading more of her blogs before judging her on this one. Her story has it’s ups but it also has it’s downs.

CKL 1 year ago

Articles like this mean the world to me now that I’m due soon with my first kid. I knew I was going to be a little different about motherhood when my first reaction to seeing a positive pregnancy test was to sob and wail in near despair. It’s so refreshing to hear such an honest viewpoint, Toni, when to say things like this out loud is like saying you like to set fire to puppies. Every time someone asks if I’m excited, it makes me cringe. I know I will find happiness in being a mom, but it was never my sole focus, and hopefully won’t be. I mourn the loss of the woman I was as people call me mommy and mama even before my daughter is here. I mourn the life I know I would have been perfectly happy in without kids. I mourn the fact that I will have to put on a thrilled face about being a mother and losing myself in the process.
Just very glad to see this POV, it was like getting a hug and a big glass of wine.

Beth 1 year ago

I’m so glad I’m not alone! This was never my plan. Everything is so different. Some days I feel like a bad Mom for not planning to have my daughter. She changed my life but I wouldn’t chage it for the world

Jessi Miller 1 year ago

Empathy is a wonderful virtue. Some people obviously do not possess. Glad I do.

TabCat 1 year ago

Thank you SO much for this! I have 2 kids that I somehow managed to get pregnant with while on birth control and with the exception of one friend, I thought I was alone for feeling like this. 9.5 years into parenting and I still think on a regular basis about what I’d be doing with my life if I hadn’t had 2 unplanned pregnancies. Of course, if I wouldn’t have had my kids I never would have known how much I love being pregnant, and I certainly wouldn’t be pregnant with my third surrogate baby right now either. So that is one small bonus. But again, thank you for being brave enough to say this. You aren’t alone either!

An Le-Be 1 year ago

It’ll get easier when they get a bit older, it really will :)

Dina Juarez 1 year ago

I have a lot of respect for the writer. Its ok to have feelings people! Its her venting her feelings, no need to post your abnoxious thoughts. I never wanted children either, didnt finish college. And 8 yrs later I love my girls to death and am in nursing school. Kids def slowed down my goals but I love them!

Rhea Del 1 year ago

I respect the honesty of the writer. It takes courage to admit this confession out loud.

Ashley 1 year ago

I never wanted to be a mom. I had plans to join the GBI, and hopes of eventually going FBI Criminal Profiler. When I met my husband, we married fast (he’s in the USMC and deployable), and before we knew it, and before our first year was out, I was pregnant with our daughter.
Almost a year after her birth, I find myself thinking “this isn’t what you wanted, THIS is why ‘Mommy’ was never your desire”. I struggle with it every day, feeling like I’m being a bad mom because I don’t want to be one. People tell me what a good mom I am, how happy our daughter is, and how I have “that way” with her. Inside, I roll my eyes as they tear up and I will it away, again, knowing I work so hard to make it seem like everything’s right and okay and happy.
There are moments I cherish with my daughter: cuddles before nap, when she says “mommy” when something’s wrong (she just started making words that mean something, so its still new), how she smiles at me when I get her up every day. Those moments help me keep my sanity, but it’s still hard doing a job that seems so thankless so often.
I know I never signed up for this (at least on purpose) and sometimes, I feel stuck in a life I hate. Those times come often and hard. I want to thank you, Toni for writing and sharing this. I think as moms we feel we HAVE to like it, but some of us just don’t. We try our best to do right by our kids, and we do love them as much as any other mom (I think even more sometimes), and it is so comforting to be able to share and be shared with. Its a hard life, but even harder if we feel we are all alone.

Becky Radzik Chiusolo 1 year ago

Surprise at 39.

MessyJessii 1 year ago

Thank you so much for sharing this! I have cried so many times for thinking “This is why I didn’t want kids.” Cried over the guilt of thinking something so horrible & knowing that I was the only person who could think something so terrible. This article was a much needed read.

Krysia 1 year ago

Believe it or not “most” of them are supportive. Certainly not all but you can’t expect that. Personally, I understand and respect what she’s saying. I think almost every parent thinks to themselves “Why did I do this?” at some point. Heck, my two month old is an IVF baby so clearly I wanted him and this thought has already crossed my mind. I think what she wrote is perfectly normal.

Krysia 1 year ago

My two month old son was conceived last August via IVF so he was very much planned. However, I still have found myself questioning this decision now that he’s here. Admittedly I tend to do so more during the bad moments, like he hasn’t slept for longer than 30 minute stretches and therefore neither have I so maybe not quite the same thing. I also feel it when there is something that I want to do but can’t because of my son or I have to delay it until we can secure a baby sitter. That’s when a part of me nostalgically remembers my freedom pre-baby. Then I look at my son and he gives me a wide open mouthed smile that shows off his double dimples or I hold him and he snuggles closer to my heart beat and to me, it all becomes worth it. I imagine everyone has similar thoughts, whether the children were planned or not, whether you’re super Mom or Al and Peggy Bundy. Like you said, you are not alone!

lisa654321 1 year ago

Thank you

Michelle Ramer 1 year ago

Fantastic article!

Anna Roaf 1 year ago

AWESOME story, Jo Anne.

Amy King 1 year ago

Even though we are strong women and moms we are first and foremost human beings who have regrets, self- loathing thoughts and insecurities and it’s okay to feel self- pity, resentment , anger, or whatever else you feel.. We need to support each other and find a common nerve that touches us all.. I too feel this way at times and thanks to this article it makes me feel like I’m not a terrible mom.. After having two sons with my ex husband… I had a new baby with my wonderful new husband.. My boys are 22 and 16 and my little girl 2.. I just don’t have the fortitude and patience I did before.. Sometimes I just break down and say I’m too old for this! What the hell was I thinking of having a baby at 40!

Anna Roaf 1 year ago

It’s tough to put someone before yourself. Once that’s recognized and the reality that there’s no going back is accepted, things get clearer. Obviously parenting is the hardest. We all just need to get over ourselves and realize how much our kids need us.

Katie Helm Smith 1 year ago

There is not a single birth control that is 100% effective. It is entirely possible to become pregnant even if you are using a form of birth control. And the notion of practicing abstinence just because you don’t want to have kids… Seriously?

And let’s not pretend like having an abortion or giving them up for adoption is any less painful of a choice than it is to keep them. It would still be a guilt that you would live with every day.

To me it sounds like she did a brave and selfless thing by having a second child. She decided to give her first child a sibling, which is a wonderful thing. She obviously has love for her children.

Sasha 1 year ago

Thank you so much for this! I always felt so guilty for always thinking about these things. Its extremely nice to know that I’m not the only mother who thinks and feels like this.

Stacey Edder 1 year ago

I truly pity people who judge others, who don’t feel the same as them. I truly pity people who don’t trust their partners enough to have separate fb accounts. I truly pity people who are the first to say “don’t have sex!” “Close your legs!” “Should have put them up for adoption then.” This isn’t 1950, so please STFU.

Liz Gully 1 year ago

Children don’t necessarily learn from their parents how to be a parent. Sometimes they learn how not to parent, like my BFF whose mother was a living hell. She is the mother of two fantastic, lovely boys in spite of her mother. As to the writer, I applaud her honesty – I imagine it keeps her sane when she feels like chucking it all and moving to Paris.

Libby Olson 1 year ago

lol you WERE abducted by aliens…your kids! lol. I had 4, it had its interesting moments but as adults I love that I have 4. The time went fast…though when they were young (under 11) it didn’t seem to be fast and the younger they were, the slower the time went!

Keri Taylor 1 year ago

This is getting ridiculous I know I was a mistake or accident or whatever but I was loved and taken care of it didn’t mess me up. Unplanned pregnancy happens doesn’t matter how or why but it does so get over it. And any mom that says they have never had an “omg what have I gotten myself into” moment is a big fat liar. So stop already with your better than you self righteous opinions this is probably not the right website for you.

Jett Dixon 1 year ago

I bet people are just losing their mommy minds over this post. I’m not even going to venture into reading the comments.

Amy Snipes Jennings 1 year ago

Can someone explain to me how this article is supposed to be detrimental to her kids? It seems clear that she loves her children and is really trying her best to care for them in spite of the fact that they were not originally part of her plans. Even moms who wanted and planned for their children have days where they pine for their child free life and want to throw in the towel. It wouldn’t have bothered me to know that my mom had never planned on having me as long as her attitude towards me didn’t reflect that sentiment.

Amanda Etcheto 1 year ago

heres the thing. post like this are healthy. We are a group of life forms with feelings, some we didnt ask to feel, some we fear feeling, some feelings we embrace. By condeming men or women for expressing those feelings in a safe, non dangerous way, such as a blog post like this, we are doing a disservice to our fellow emotional beings. Locking these thoughts and feelings up where no one will ever know doesnt stop people from feeling it. The only thing it does is create ticking time bombs of resentment. would you tell a solider suffering from severe ptsd that he had no right to feel this way because he could have just as easily not enlisted? if you would say that then you are the problem not the solider. and while yes thats an extreme example the same hold true for this woman, and all parents like her.i know men who never wanted to be dads, never wanted their kids but steped up and are amazing fathers. they still have that underlying feeling of “this isnt what i wanted” but they use their own outlets to vent that frustration. be it pool and beer with the guys so they shoot the shit or some who see a therapist to talk through these feelings in a safe way. there are so many different opinions on whats right and wrong. if this writer had opted for abortion a bunch of people would call her a murderert, if she gave them up for adoption abunch of people would say she abandoned her kids and shouldnkeep her legs closed from her spouse if she cant take the outcome. shes not neglecting her kids, she didnt opt to terminate or pass them off to a stranger. she kept them, shes raising them, she loves them. this is her beer and pool night, this is her therapist, this is her ouytlet to safely process these feelings and let them out. psychologicly speaking those who let negative feelings like this out in a safe manner like this are healthier mentally and emotionally then those who would force these feelings down to the dark.by condeming these outlets one only contributes to the socially misguided idea that emotions and feelings are to be avoided. we ruined generations of men by telling them that to be men they had to shut off their feelings. as a result there are far to many men who have such emotional detatchment to themselves that they need therapy. its f’ed up enough as it is to push that mindset on men, lets not start pushing it on women by telling them they have no right to voice how they feel. just because it isnt said, doesnt mean it isnt still felt. kudos to you mama writer, i desperatly wanted my kids so i dont truly know how you feel but i have no doubt your every bit the mother that any of us think we are. bravo to you for expressing your feelings , never let society tell you to shut up

Christina Settle 1 year ago

So much judgement. If I’d had my kids 10 years ago I think I would have been thinking the same thing. Thankfully things worked out and I didn’t have them until I was ready. Even so, there are hard moments where I question my decisions. Thank you for being brave enough to come out and say it.

Beth 1 year ago

My mother never wanted kids but I never knew that until she said that when I was a mother myself. Maybe I was clueless, but she at least tried to be a decent mother and we did have a good relationship as I grew up.

I always wanted to be a mother and am blessed with 4 (I’d have more but circumstance kiboshed that insane desire). Did I find rainbows in my kid’s diaper? Heck no…just stinky poop and smelly pee. I so wanted to be able to look at the diapers flapping in the wind and feel so blessed that I’m doing the Lord’s work. I tried and tried but was too tired and just never got to that level. I did however love playing with them and watching them play together and by themselves.

The only thing I’d want to suggest to reluctant mothers is if you love your child, let them know that you love them. Everyday tell them. When they drive you up the wall and down the other side, let them know you love them dispite that you think velcro would make a good wall covering and cothing to match it. If you don’t love them, get help before the damage can’t be mitigated. There are ways to lighten the load…for those who didn’t want to be mothers and those who did but find it overwhelming.

Kristina Jewell 1 year ago

Love this. I planned my kids but can still relate

Heather 1 year ago

This is an amazing article. Over the last few weeks (I have a 7 and 4 year old), I’ve felt this more and more. And the guilt has been a little overwhelming. I thank you so much for posting this! It feels so good to know that other moms feel it too. Of course we love our kids and would die if anything bad ever happened to them, but some days it’s hard not to think “what if…”

again, thank you so much for posting! <3

Dannielle 1 year ago

Thank you so much! I almost cried reading this. I am one of those moms. I have felt like a bad mother for feeling this way. I see all my friends enjoying, loving, and having more babies. While I’m over here struggling day to day with my one child and praying I don’t spawn any more. From the bottom of my heart I thank you for posting this!

Keri Taylor 1 year ago

I didn’t think I would relate to this post because I wanted kids but I related to it because whether or not you wanted kids the beans and corn in poop happens to every mom and scrubbing poop out of the carpet happens too and instead of thinking this is why I didn’t want to be a mom you think if I had known about this I might not have wanted to be a mom so much. Good post. Relatable even if you want kids.

Cassandra Mcgowan 1 year ago

I constantly feel inadequate compared to my mom friends. I never wanted children, I didn’t dream of painting nurseries and cooking breakfast every morning, but here I am. Sometimes I cry because I feel like since I hadn’t prepared for motherhood my entire young life that I am doing my children a disservice. All you judgmental women need to stop and think about the many, many reasons women didn’t want children. I grew up in an environment where I didn’t have the greatest parental role models, my kids are seven and 11 and I still feel half the time like I don’t know wtf I’m doing and I have no one to ask “how?” Or “why?” Please lay off with your extremely rude comments. You clearly have no idea what it’s like to constantly doubt your skills as a mother, even if others are constantly telling you what a wonderful one you are.

A 1 year ago

Thank you for posting your story, and especially for sharing what the technician told you. I am a teacher, for goodness sake, and someone who always liked being around kids, and I always thought I’d wanted a bunch of kids of my own. I have one dd3, and like you, while I love her, “I am not overwhelmed with love” for her. I see little glimmers of who she is going to be someday, and in those moments, we’re in sync, but the tantrums and the dawdling and the sheer exhaustion of it all often makes me look forward to her bedtime more than anything else. I totally get what the technician was saying, and I hope that it is the same case for me. My husband and I talked a great deal about having two kids, but I think I’ll be happier with just the one, unless we adopt an older child someday. I don’t know that I want to do this all over again!

Zury Apolinario 1 year ago

Thank you! always felt weird for feeling that way. glad I’m not the only one

Styles Simpson 1 year ago

So much judgment…. no wonder other moms have competition issues with others and feeling inadequate. Some apparently are more realistic about who they are than others and have the nerve to say it. Wish more did. Till then, stop thowing stones… there’s too much glass on the ground all ready.

Brandi Hugo-Garris 1 year ago

I wasn’t sure I’d have kids. I loved my career. Doesn’t mean people, myself included, don’t love their kids, it’s just that life may be different than they planned. Honestly, this is refreshing.

April Lamkin 1 year ago

I was one of those people who use to say ILL NEVER have kids. 3 kids later, when I look back on it, if I had the choice to change anything, I wouldnt because it would mean they wouldnt be here. I think a lot of yall seemed to missed the point she was making. Sad it is.

Bree Schwiegerath 1 year ago

My kids know I couldn’t live a day without them, and they also know that everyday being bipolar myself, is a struggle for me to enjoy being a parent. Thank you for this, it’s beautiful!!! Xoxoxo…….There is nothing offensive about this, I would have no problem even showing this to my kids, they know the love I have for them is so deep!

Heather Childress 1 year ago

MyLove M. Barnett indeed, I remember the feeling, we got our rogue sperm baby and I wouldn’t change it for the world, I still look at baby clothes, I still get a little excited when I’m late, but then one of the kids comes crashing in and I’m like no no, this is all I can take! Just because we rant doesn’t mean our kids are suffering! We don’t scream I DIDN’T WANT YOU, they aren’t neglected (in fact they are all spoiled) I commend her!

Dee 1 year ago

I realized at 30 weeks pregnant that I really didn’t want to be a mom. Now I have 2 girls 345 days apart and I am finally getting ready to go back to work and I am soooooo excited. I love my kids, but I am barely clinging to motherhood in general. Being a SAHM is just not for me. Thanks for writing this for those of us who understand the paradox.

Heather Childress 1 year ago

Let me tell all you high horse riders how you ACCIDENTALLY get pregnant, your husband has a vasectomy, you’re finally given the green light, two year later you go off the pill and the next month, wait what no period, go to Dr , hey you’re pregnant, no that’s impossible, oh vasectomies can reverse like tubals! So as husband and wife are we NOT ever suppose to have sex after we’ve decided no more kids? I have 4 kids ages 19 to 4, I am tired, I have thought of running away from home. STOP JUDGING THOSE WHO AREN’T AFRAID TO SPEAK THEIR MINDS! TAKE YOU’RE ‘PERFECT’ PARENT BS SOME WHERE ELSE!

Amanda 1 year ago

Thank you! Thank you for making me realize i’m not alone in my thoughts!

Amanda 1 year ago

My mom wanted kids, but was not mentally, financially or emotionally prepared for children when she had us back to back at 21. I grew up and knew that I was an accident and that when she became pregnant, she didn’t want kids at that time. I’ve always known this….I also know that my mom loved me unconditionally and raised me with so much love and provided me with everything possible and it means the world to me that she did that even though I wasn’t particularity wanted at the time.

I’m pregnant with a child that I was no where near ready for. I had a lot of other plans before I wanted to bring a baby into the world. Really, until recently, I was one of these women who never wanted kids, period. But I will love this baby and provide for him even when the thought of never wanting kids crosses my mind.

MyLove M. Barnett 1 year ago

Anyone concerned about Toni’s children not being loved, or who feel like Toni only writes about the negatives should seriously get over themselves. This is ONE post of MANY, and resonates with a huge number of mothers across the world. If you can’t relate, FINE. But don’t sit there and bemoan her children’s pending years of therapy with a “bless their hearts” attitude if you haven’t read any of her other articles. One blog post is not a life story and doesn’t detail a life-long attitude of bitter resentment. She’s guest-posted on the site before, in case you don’t pay attention, and some of you running her down now thought she was pretty damn funny then. Just sayin.

FWIW, I especially liked the vasectomy void post, because although we have more kids than any sane person should, I definitely felt like this in a HUGE way after my husband got snipped. http://tonihammer.com/2014/06/18/when-youre-done-having-children/

Maura 1 year ago

^^^ THIS. I am the mother of *two* unplanned children. And both of them have a father that not only got to say “i’m not ready” and run, but suffered no societal repercussions when they did. I never wanted kids. But when I said the word adoption – suddenly I was this terrible person. Since when does being a woman mean I have to want to be a mother?
And you know what, when my kids got older and started asking about my life, I told them the truth. Simply and clearly. No, I did not want to be a mother.
But not wanting to be a mother, and not wanting my child are two different things. And I told them that too. No, not every moment or day or week or month is perfect. But we all try hard around here.
In a way, this has made us a stronger family. They understand what I knew when I was younger, I am not necessarily the best mom, and so do I. Knowing that, I try harder, have more patience and understanding and am far more critical of myself than *anyone* else. And in turn they are more forgiving and able to see both sides of things.
Ultimately they learned a few things wonderful things, including that life doesn’t always go the way you think it should, but that has no bearing on how great you make it. My kids *are* the best thing that ever happened to me. While they might not be “planned” in someways I want them more. I made a conscious choice to have them, keep them, and be the best mother I could for them, ALWAYS. And if my honest helps them later in life to really be happy and not think that life is like tv – everything is perfect or its screwed up, no in between – then I will always be honest with them.

Kat 1 year ago

This article just about summed up how I feel about everything I go through on a daily basis. I never planned to have kids because I just don’t think I was made for this job, but here I am with two crazy little boys that are 16 months apart. I try hard every day to live up to everyone’s expectations of me and be the best that I can be for them and that’s all I can really do. After reading this it made me feel so much better about feeling this way, because its not that I don’t love them and its not that I regret my decisions, but some days I’m just not cut out for this job. So thank you for being so honest about your feelings towards this topic that no one feels comfortable talking about!

Mary Schneider 1 year ago

Let me preface this by saying…. I can’t relate to this personally, at all. I was that kid who played with doll babies… I still have one of the ones I nurtured for probably the first ten years of my life. I dreamed about holding my babies, smelling their hair, snuggling them as they fell asleep.

With all that said… I get it. I have friends who were reluctant moms, who laughed at me for my baby obsession, but who ended up preggo before me, in various circumstances. And I have never once thought any of them were not as good a mom as me. In fact, one of the ones who was most vocal about not wanting kids of her own, and who deliberately stopped at one, is one of the best moms I know, and her grown son would back me up on that 100%.

We all have our own experiences, and they’re not all identical. What we can come together on is that parenting is HARD work! Even on good days, it’s work. And if you don’t have dreams about what life might be like, even for just one afternoon, without kids, you’re either pouring too much of yourself into parenting, and leaving nothing for your individuality (which is a dangerous path, believe me… Eventually your kids WILL grow up and move on to their own lives, and then where will you be?), or you’re simply not being honest with yourself.

Those feelings don’t make you a bad mom. Nor does being honest about them. Being a bad mom would be treating your kids as if you can’t stand them, or blaming them for their existence. I don’t believe the author of this blog is doing either of those things. She’s facing her feelings head-on, and doing her best anyway. Sounds to me like she’s a damn fine mom who deserves to take joy in everything she’s doing right.

Being a mom, for me, was an easy decision. For her, it’s an unselfish choice that she makes every single day. However she feels about the choice, she’s making it. God bless you, Mama.

One last thing… Faith Bogdan, I KNOW you have thoughts on this. <3 And maybe a link to your excellent book?? 😀

Sinead 1 year ago

I think this is very brave. People are so judgmental towards women when they say things like this. My mother told my siblings and I she never wanted kids – she had 4 and I don’t doubt that she loves us all. She still isn’t fond of babies etc but she says it’s different with your own. I am not a mother, and I won’t be since my partner has been snipped. I have an instafam since he has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Sometimes I look at my friends who have no kids or step children with envy since they can do things I can’t but I knew what I was signing up for. Love reading this blog even though I am not really part of the “club”.

Dottie Hogan 1 year ago

I wanted my kids…but not until we were married 10 years. By then we’d worked, traveled, partied slept late and ate out. But…I did need a weekend here, a week there with Dad for,sure! My Mom & family we’re awesome about coming to stay, or the kids went there and they loved uninterrupted time with Nana and their aunt and uncles. I didn’t stress about messy kid rooms – until I found the moldy lunch bag then I freaked out all at once, made them clean it – with me doing half the work… Done. What’s the point. They’re all good cooks (we spent time learning that – started with baking from scratch) and good housekeepers too. Miss those chaotic, noisy days now though. It’s way too quiet, clean and empty now. So we retired & bought an old sailboat!! There IS life after kids “if you are among the very young at heart”! It was an awesome time & they’re awesome young women now! Good luck. And don’t sweat the small stuff! 😀

Jennifer S. Nuñez 1 year ago

In this world of Super Crafty-Pinterest Addict-Organic Farming- Breast feeding till age 5-Moms, this is a breath of fresh air! I had my son at a young age, he was a “surprise” and I was so excited! Even so, there was that little voice in the back of my head that said “This was not what you wanted; this isn’t who you are supposed to be”. Putting my education and career goals on the back burner to be the best mom I can be is still a decision that I struggle with, every day. If I had the chance, yes, I would do it all over again, because my son is just one awesome kid! This mom may have never wanted kids, but she got them and I’m sure she’s doing a fine job with loving and caring for them! Not all women dream of becoming SAHMs in stained yoga pants!! Get over it!

Jackie Lynn 1 year ago

I commend the writer for letting us into the mind of a mother that most people don’t understand. I didn’t want kids when I was growing up. It’s not because of my abusive childhood or anything like that, I just didn’t have the desire to be a mother. Of course I thought babies were cute, just didn’t want one of my own. That all changed when, who I thought was the love of my life, and I were together for 5 years and I became pregnant. We weren’t married and we lived in an efficiency apartment. I didn’t feel we were financially stable to be able to give a child everything he/she deserved at the time but decided to have the child anyway since I was already 25 years old and after all, why not, right? So needless to say, the father left when my son was 4 years old because apparently HE couldn’t handle the life we both agreed on. I have to admit that I do wonder (at least once a week) what it would have been like if I never got pregnant. My point to this very long-winded comment is most of the time even moms that didn’t want to be parents end up doing it because it feels “right” at the time. They think they are in love and for that reason think they want a family to share that love with. I love my son and I would do absolutely anything for him but I understand where the writer is coming from.

Lisa Strahan LeDoux 1 year ago

I’m that mother too. I had two of them, the first by mistake, the second because I figured she could use a sibling and I’m in it now, what’s one more? They’re 22 & 20 now. I worked my ass off for them, know I did right by them, and love them so fiercely I can barely stand it. If I had it to do over again, would I? I don’t think so. It was really hard and not what I wanted. I’m going after what I wanted now, though. Better late than never.

Ashley Ohmann 1 year ago

Everyone gets to tell their story. If you don’t like it, that’s okay–but it’s not our place to judge. None of us is perfect. Toni Hammer might be a truly awesome mom–the perspective of her kids and husband was not part of her post. It’s your actions that matter, not necessarily how you feel. Those of you passing judgment on her post should take a step back and remember that you are not perfect, either, even if you love being a mother.

Rachel 1 year ago

It really does help to know other parents feel this way. I could never imagine my life without my son, I would never wish him gone or regret having him, but just the other day I realized how about 90% of my “good parenting” is out of guilt, mainly because I never wanted to be a parent. So I extremely overcompensate, and I will admit, spoil the absolute crap out of him, because of the fact that I feel horrible because I kind of think motherhood stinks. Then he tells me how much he loves me and I feel even worse. But the important thing is we do it, right? We do it for them. Because even though we didn’t know we were going to, we love them.

Lisa 1 year ago

I grew up with a Mom that told me she never wanted us kids, but also told me that we were the best thing that ever happened to her. I heard them both. I think there’s a wrong way to be honest about how you’re feeling and a right way. I think some of the angry posts here show the side affects of the wrong way. I think my Mom and Toni are trying to show folks the right way.

The truth is, Love isn’t easy and it’s funny that we live in a society that tells us that it is. Love also isn’t a feeling – it’s an action and a choice. The truth is all these Mom’s who are hanging in there for their mid-night feedings and vomit sessions and toy-bruised feet and a life filled with sacrifice – you may not FEEL like you love your kids but the fact that you wake up every day and make sure they don’t die shows that you do love them. And if, in the midst of your new life of sacrifice you find time to tell them that you love them and shower them with kisses and tell them, when they’re old enough to understand, that you never wanted them, but you always loved them (because everything thing you are doing for them IS love) then I think you’re doing something right. Good job Toni. And good job to the rest of you.

Teri Sorkin 1 year ago

WOW reading some of these comments reminds me why I keep my mouth shut and struggle internally on my hard days. Judgy people make me so sad. Can’t we have empathy. I think EVERY parent can agree that parenting is HARD! That some days are better then others. But at the end of the day we LOVE the children that we have. The article said that. Again I wanted kids but never realized how hard of a job it is. “its the hardest job I will ever love” my fav quote. But when I have days that I say to myself “I wish I could go to the grocery store and not come home.” or “if I could do it all over again would I have kids?” I keep quiet in fear of judgment. This blog allows me to know that I am not alone in that, and that I am by no means a BAD mom in thinking that. I am honest, imperfect, and doing my very best. And I love my children more then anything. Again thank you for this blog I wish I started reading it 3 years ago when my first was born. Oh and then 18 months later when I gave birth to my second and he was an OOPS baby. Yep “accidents” happen but I am beyond blessed for that whoopsy (which by the way was my husbands fault and aunt flow never visited me from having my first….tmi…but all you judgy peeps need to shut it!).

Heather Gochoel 1 year ago

Posts like this are the reason I love Scary Mommy. Thanks for posting this and making me feel not quite so alone.

Brook Nicole Hall 1 year ago

I love this post and love reading this author’s blog!!!!

Jeanine Raghunathan 1 year ago

I am so going thru this phase right now. Thanks for making me feel somewhat normal!

Briana Sue McAllister 1 year ago

A-freakin-men!

Elizabeth Gaither 1 year ago

I can’t imagine not havimg those moments where you (a) feel from the depths of your sould that you were not made to be a mother and/or (b) imagine your life without children. Personally, both my pregnancies were unplanned – 8 years apart. With my oldest, I made multiple appointments to have her aborted at the nagging of her father but I just couldn’t do it. And while life can absolutely suck at times, I can’t imagine and reality where she is not here. With my second, I embraced her the moment I found out I was pregnant. Her father pushed for an abortion, family and friends pushed for adoption but I didn’t have it in me to give her up. Like I said before, life does absolutely suck at times and yes, there are nights when I want to run for the hills and I fall asleep envisioning having money and time to myself but they’re just fantasies, just coping mechanisms. We all deal with hardships differently and parenting can certainly be a hardship.

Regarding the author publishing what so many women think and feel – something so taboo that while I agree with her blog entry and want to share it, I’m afraid to do so for fear of wht others might think of me, people can judge all the live-long day but she’s being honest, she’s speaking a truth that is scary and upsetting, she’s speaking from her own life experience and no matter what your opinion, no one is going to step in and save the day. She and everyone else can only keep moving forward one step at a time, no matter how painful those steps may be at times.

We are all in this together, we are all raising our futures….we should raise each other up, not put each other down especially in times where we feel this way.

IMHO…

Renee Howard 1 year ago

I never planned on being a parent. I was always told that I would have a hard time conceiving, so I was fine with it. I was completely shocked that at 38, I found out I was pregnant. I certainly never planned to have kids, and especially at 38! I was planning vacations, dedicated to my career and had an active social life. I was not planning on diapers, formula and late night baby ragers. But, for whatever reason, some higher power felt that I should add some more of my DNA to the world. I love my daughter with all my heart, and I am so lucky and happy to have her. She is now 2 1/2 and is my best little friend. I wouldn’t trade her for the world. Do I still imagine me living my previous life? Yes. But even without a kid, there comes stages in your own life where you outgrow some things. I decided that I can still do most of the things I did before, and I can incorporate my daughter in them. She has her passport and has traveled since she was 3 weeks old. She is learning things and experiencing things that I never did as a child. I can do things with her and for her that my parents could not. Do I feel like I fit in with other mothers? No. Can I hold conversations about parenting skills and critiquing various brands of diapers? Maybe. Do I want to? No. I am not defined because I am a parent. Some people feel that being a parent is their defining life moment. I am my own person and my daughter is her own. I will love, support and guide her until the day I die. I may not have wanted to have kids, but it is a blessed role that I stumbled in to.

Michelle Cliffe 1 year ago

Yes yes yes. Thank you for writing this.

LizardMama 1 year ago

Yep. Some days more than others. But yep. And when one of your children is special needs, it adds a whole other layer of guilt and hell. It’s OK to say it and feel it. Thanks for giving voice to it. We pick up the pieces and get on with loving our kids.

Becky Durkee 1 year ago

I think, in my humble opinion, is that motherhood/parenthood comes in all shapes and sizes, and no matter what your journey is, or how you go there, we all need to support each other and not judge because it is not our own personal choice or philosophy. It’s hard being a parent no matter the circumstances, so let’s build each other up instead of tearing each other down. Cheers to all the moms, however you find yourself with that title. :)

Danielle Bennett 1 year ago

I am not that mom. I wanted children and still want more than I have, which is not currently a reality for me.

In spite of this, or perhaps because of it, my heart goes out to you. Life has dealt me some things I never wanted. I never wanted to be the mother of a special needs child. I never wanted to have to use the CPR I was trained to do, let alone on my own child. I never wanted to move out of my beautiful home, away from my friends, to a place we can rent two states away while renting the house we can’t sell because it was needed for the medical care of our daughter. And, while I’m being this honest, I only wanted to consider at home motherhood 1% of the time.

There are countless moments I wish things were different. I imagine it is the same with you mothers. Yes, I see what’s beautiful and magic and “worth it”, but in the end, I’m just making the best hand with the cards life dealt me because I certainly didn’t ask for this.

Julie 1 year ago

I always wanted kids. Always. I used to beg my mom to have another so I could take care of a baby. Now I have a two year old (who may be possessed) and a 5 month old. Still every single day I think “oh my god, why the hell did I do this?!” That’s the flip side of the coin. I think even women who wanted kids feel the same way, except now we also have the burden of feeling like we have completely lost who we used to be. Because now that I have these precious bundles I’ve always dreamed of, all I can think about is running away! Lol. Great post. Moms need to stick together! No one else can ever understand how awful/amazing it can be.

Alison Paige 1 year ago

I read the article and appreciated a different point of view. Didn’t bother to read the comments. Usually ruins the experience.

Kylie 1 year ago

I think everyone feels like this a little. I wanted my baby, I wanted to be a mom since I met my little brother when I was 2. I waited, prayed, hoped and planned. Miscarried twice along the way. I love her so much I worry myself sick. But it never feels like enough.
Your doing great and you have a lucky boy:)

Vicky 1 year ago

I am not a mom. That statement alone is conflicting. There is a part of me that does want children with the love of my life. We have not yet been able to have them. While there is that tiny part that wants them…there is a large overbearing part that doesn’t. Not because I wouldn’t love them…I know that I would. And I know that we would be good parents. But this world has gone to shit…and quite frankly…I don’t want to put another human being through the kind of bullshit going on today. I also enjoy sleeping in on the weekends and doing what I want to do….but then I think of my dear sweet Momma. She didn’t want children at all…she never made any bones about that. She did however love us totally and completely….and honestly. I came along much to her surprise while she was in Europe…she had many plans for travel while there….everyone was like “oh that’s too bad you have to put your plans on hold”…she said “Like hell! I will never have a chance to enjoy this time in my life…the kid will have to come with me!!!” And I did! My mom and I were traveling partners from day one! She doesn’t regret us…she wouldn’t trade us for the world…but she did not want us. We were accidents…and we knew it. But never once in my life did I ever feel that my mom didn’t love me. I love that this blog exists….because you can love your children with every fiber of yourself….and be willing to die for them….and still feel like this isn’t the job you signed up for. I am now almost 38…my mom is my BEST FRIEND in the world…and she says that our relationship now is worth all the bullshit of my childhood (I was pretty much the biggest brat in the world). So for all you mom’s out there that are at your wits end…there will come a day where you actually LIKE your kid…not just love them cuz well, they are your kid! Much love to all the mommies here!

Kay 1 year ago

I’m right there with you!

For the perfect, know-it-all mommies on this post, it’s OKAY to admit this. Don’t even stop to think that your judgmental comments will change the minds of those who feel this way, because it won’t. You’re not THAT powerful. Perhaps you should do some checking in on yourself and your attitude. I pray to God that you don’t treat the children that you wanted this way. If so, you’re in for one hell of a ride when they’re older. :)

Luna Moth 1 year ago

We’re hearing one little snippet from Toni’s life. She bared an unpopular truth…and she didn’t do it to get her feelings off her chest, but to throw a line out to others who may feel isolated and guilty for the same thing.

When a person releases her guilt, it allows room for positive things to flow in her life. Toni has done a huge service for countless moms and their kids.

It takes tremendous sense-of-self to be able to publish such feelings. Since her kids are being raised by someone so self-aware, she will instill in them what they need to understand.

I have no doubt her kids know they’re loved. She is a stay-home mom…she didn’t have to make that choice. Plenty of moms leave their kids with a nanny while they go back to their jobs. And that’s fine, too.

Just because we don’t understand something doesn’t make it wrong. Some people will never understand Toni or why she wrote what she wrote, and that’s okay. Because the people who do understand and appreciate it will benefit in ways we’ll never know.

J 1 year ago

Just because people didn’t want kids doesn’t mean they can’t b good parents. I love my kids but I never wanted them. I treat them with respect compassion care and every other decent human emotion but I still never wanted kids. You miss the point of her article if u think u can tell which parents didn’t wAnt kids. My feelings are stuffed so deep it only affects me by causing depression. My kids are well cared for and know beyond a doubt I love them but I still struggle with knowing this is not what I wanted. Quit judging something u can’t understand.

Yvonne Tresler 1 year ago

Refreshing. Thanks for your honesty.

Julie Katz 1 year ago

thank you for your honesty

Heather 1 year ago

Love the honesty here. I have told this story to multiple friends, some of whom have wanted to have their own children but were unable to do so for various reasons. I have felt judged and not in a positive light. It has taken me several years to come into being “mommy”, but just because I didn’t want to have children years ago, doesn’t make me a poor mother now. It has caused many life adjustments – and I now enjoy it (most days!). Thank you for keeping it real!!

Stacey Edder 1 year ago

I also highly doubt that any kids that are unsupervised, on the internet, are googling “scary mommy”.

Heather 1 year ago

Hey, guess what? Sometimes, even when you do everything right, birth control STILL fails. I was married and we were using condoms. Every time. And I got pregnant with twins. I grew up in a horrible situation and was scared to death of having my own children…but it happened. After the twins, I was on the pill since my OB wouldn’t do a tubal because I was “too young.” Even after taking it every day, with alarms set so I wouldn’t forget, with taking no other medication that would cause it to fail, I got pregnant again a little over a year later. One this time, but the first ultrasound showed it was possible that I had started out with another twin pregnancy.
My children weren’t planned. I didn’t want children because I knew how I would struggle, not because I thought I would hate them or resent them. I did everything I could to be responsible, but life had other plans. So I adapted. They are here, and I couldn’t imagine life without them. And yes, I do plan on explaining my feelings to them when they are older–it is OK to not want children, and it is OK to admit it. They are loved, they are happy. And so am I. Just because you didn’t want something doesn’t mean you will ruin it if you get it anyway.
And yes, I did get my tubes tied after my second pregnancy.

Holly Hardin Dickens 1 year ago

I guess we are never truly happy with what we are given. Some parents didn’t want to have children (not that they don’t love them since they have them) and then there are those of us who would love to have them and can’t. My suggestion is if you have a friend who doesn’t have them, ask them to help you. I love it when I can help my friends with kiddos.

Lynn Dyer 1 year ago

I was conceived after my mother had her tubes tied. She already had 3 children and obviously did not want anymore, but she got pregnant with me anyway. My parents have always been honest with me about it. If you ask me it takes LOVE to raise a child you didn’t expect and weren’t prepared for. I’ve never felt resented. Just because you didn’t want a child doesn’t mean you don’t love them. it’s quite the opposite.

J 1 year ago

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This runs thru my head on a daily basis and I DO feel Soo alone. I cannot tell you how much I love this article. I will bookmark to read again. Just hearing “it’s ok” to have my feelings somehow provides comfort. And thank you even more with not sugar coating your article with 10 ways to get over my feelings.

Jennifer King 1 year ago

I feel guilty because I wanted kids, had a son 5 months ago and, although I love him to pieces, I think often “I want my old life back”.

Tawny Starr Johnson 1 year ago

My mom was one of the women who , given a chance, might have choosen to not have kids. And not once did we feel anything but loved and adored. Because we were. It doesn’t make you a bad person to not desire having children
As long as once you have them you love them. I have no doubt this author loves her kids. As i never doubted my mom loves me.

Kylie 1 year ago

Yes. If you feel this way fine. But don’t tell your kids!!! I grew up hearing, “I didn’t want kids, your dad did.” Um why didn’t he get us in the divorce then? And thanks for not making me feel wanted for 18 years. Seriously.

Jaclyn Sterling 1 year ago

I never wanted kids until I met my future husband. Then I wanted lots lol. Three is really hard and I hear what she’s saying. Kids are assholes. But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Brandy Lopez Barbee 1 year ago

It’s ok because if its not finally said out loud by someone you suffer greatly for having these feelings. You are alone. You are ashamed. You think there is no one out there who could possibly think this but you. It is depressing as all the perfect, calm Pinterest moms make you feel even more inadequate. You stay in a silent hell. And sometimes it is ok for someone to think that just because you don’t just means you are different. I have thought it. I have felt it. But when it blows over would I go back and choose anything else? NO. It doesn’t lead to bitterness unless you dwell on it. I sacrifice for and love my children. Do I sometimes feel like this sucks and wish it were different because I feel personally inadequate for the job? And what if……?? Yes

B Jasmine Zinser Craddock 1 year ago

I really appreciate you sharing your story JoAnne. Sounds like you are a great mom! We all hear stories and have experiences with accidental pregnancy. I totally get that. I have trouble with the public forum which her children will have access to. It’s one thing to be candid with your kids privately. (I’m a therapist so perhaps I see things through a different lens) It’s another to publicly complain about your experience becoming a mother of unwanted children. And I agree with the other Joanne- there was no positive “I didn’t want this, it’s hard but I love my babies”. Etc… Her kids will read this. Being a mom is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done so I get it and I love this forum but I hope that we consider at times how our “sharing” May effect our children and how they view themselves.

Gracie Moeller 1 year ago

I truly believe there are women out there that just aren’t meant to be mothers. It is sad when they do bring children into this world because they lack the ability to care about them or to love and protect them. I know a few of these personally. These children tend to go through serious neglect and/or abuse. My boyfriend has custody of his kids because of a women like this and she had them planned. She lacks the capability to be a good mother failed to feed them and bath them and allowed her boyfriend to abuse them. I didn’t plan to have my kids and didn’t really want any but once I had them they became my world and I thank god everyday for them. I have no understanding for a mother that doesn’t want her kids and allows them to go through hell.

Melissa Henry Hardey 1 year ago

Actually, there is. It IS hard, and I have bad days and I am faaaar from the perfect parent but never ever ever have I looked at their little faces, even on their worst days, and wondered why I even had them. That’s never crossed my mind and let’s also say that if it did, I sure wouldn’t put it in black and white for them to possibly see one day.

Stacey Edder 1 year ago

Those who are the most judgy, are probably the ones getting wine-wasted every damn night, yet put on a front to the world, as being the “best mommy evah!” You always wanted kids? Great. Good for you. Some of us didn’t. Those of us who didn’t, changed our views on motherhood, the second we felt that baby kick, or held our newborn for the first time.

Holly Rogerson Ehrman 1 year ago

I ALWAYS wanted kids, I have 2 girls, 24 months apart. It’s hard as hell and sometimes I think maybe it would have been better without them. BUT I know that’s not true, and I love my girls more than anything, just sometimes you just need a break.

JoAnne Dietrich 1 year ago

I didn’t enjoy being pregnant. I hated childbirth. I was unhappy being home all the time when my kids when they were little. Motherhood is not all rainbows and unicorns. It sucks sometimes. My husband got fixed after baby #2. I would have to be committed if I had more kids. It gets easier as they get older. I feel blessed to have my kids. They turned out great.

Elisa 1 year ago

There’s a link to her blog where you can go see more about her children and regular family life. I suspect (of course don’t know for sure) that she purposely omitted details about her life with her children here to focus on the thought process of someone who never saw herself being a parent. I thought it was an interesting perspective, but doesn’t completely define who she is.

Tamsyn Taylor 1 year ago

I absolutely adore my boys. I live for them and yes they are the best things that ever happened to me. But and it’s a big but, there are days when my patience is wearing so thin I could scream at the silliest thing. I could cry when picking up the same piece of Lego for the umpteenth time. We all handle parenthood in different ways and we should not judge others for honestly. Actually I admire the blog because for me, she had those children and struggles daily to give them all they need even though “this isn’t how it was meant to be”. I

Melanie Walker 1 year ago

It’s okay not to feel warm and fuzzy all the time. Hopefully the author and those that can relate get glimmers of those warm and fuzzies because it does feel great especially with little ones who are so difficult at times. As kids get older parenting has to change and adapt so the relationship inevitably changes. Whatever we feel is okay, we just have to overcome the challenges and parent as best we can.

Cassandra Blackler 1 year ago

2 out of my 3 kids weren’t planned. I never wanted my 3rd. The whole time I was pregnant. I actually almost put my 1st up for adoption. And it’s a heart wrenching choice. Do I love my children? Yes. The news of two of then was created with “oh fuck, son of a bitch!” By me. And now, 8 years after finding out I was expecting my 1st, I still have days where I’m not sure i made the right choices. All you judgey bitches need to get off your high horses.

Kierstin Lyn Evilsizer 1 year ago

I never wanted kids, almost got fixed at 18. I didn’t. Now I have 2 kids, and got fixed. I love them very much but it’s hard for me some days. I suffer from a mental illness so I have very bad days. I always feel like a failure and a horrible person when I think that this is why I didn’t want kids… but I don’t feel so alone now.

sheri 1 year ago

Thank you, thank you. I too have these days. I had a really scrappy childhood and never dreamed of having kids. I got married late in life and decided it was now or never. I thought my husband would be the primary caregiver and I would return to work, but the opposite happened. I stay home and some days are harder then others, I dream of travel, sitting for hours and reading, not to be bothered. Please don’t judge other moms, we all struggle and I am happy to finally see moms posting real feelings, not that fantasy we are lead to believe motherhood is.

Nicole Libertini 1 year ago

Being a mom is hard and you never know what you’re in for until you’re there.It’s good to know that there are other moms out there that share the same scary thoughts that i think we all have from time to time, some more often that others, and to know that it is ok to have those feelings.

Amanda Orozco 1 year ago

Really! One blog post and everyone can judge her whole life and choices.

JoAnne Dietrich 1 year ago

Jo Anne, I enjoyed your story. It sounds like you overcame some tough obstacles. I like how your story had a positive ending. The woman who wrote this article, only said negative things.

Ann Tetreault 1 year ago

I think about that too.

Stephanie Harrington 1 year ago

I had to read this article twice, once before I read through all the posts and once after. I think there is a lot that’s being lost in translation. I applaud the author for brutal honesty. I didn’t get that she resents or shows her children that they are unwanted from the article. What I did get out of it is that motherhood is too much for her to handle and she knows it. She comes across as being under extreme pressure and stress. I’m sure all of us have been at our breaking point before. She also never mentions that she’s going to feel this way forever. Who knows maybe she will feel more comfortable later on, or maybe she won’t. I don’t think it’s fair for people to break her down publicly, even if you don’t understand exactly how she feels. Parenting is hard even when you have adult kids. Instead of pointing out her faults, people should try to give her some words of comfort or suggest some resources she can turn to help her work through her feelings. Just my opinion.

Hillary 1 year ago

I’m in a slightly different boat in that I don’t want more than one, but I feel the same thing as those that didn’t want any. I get the questions about when I’ll have more, why am I not having more, and don’t I love kids (I’m a teacher by the way). I have to say no, I don’t want more, I’m not worried about the outcome of my son not having any siblings (I actually am), and I don’t really like babies or little kids, which is why I teach middle school. However, I love my own son dearly. Thank you for publishing this, it is relieving knowing that I am not the only one going on this journey of constantly questioning.

Jessica 1 year ago

Thanks for this. I’m halfway through a pregnancy that occured despite having an IUD and while it’s gone better than I imagined it would, I still have days where I’m very scared and regretful and rather pissed off. I believe in 25 years time or so I’ll be really really glad I’m having this baby and there will be moments of joy and happiness but overall, I did not ask for this, I do not feel ready, I don’t think I’m a very good mother and I’m scared. :(

Courtney Hernandez 1 year ago

I completely agree! My situation was very similar to urs so i can relate :-) it’s very hard, i think harder at such a young age!

J Sid 1 year ago

There are many people interested in her complaints. I don’t believe she said that she didn’t want her kids at every minute of the day. She said there are times that she thinks “this is why I didn’t want kids”. TIMES. I got pregnant with my first on BC. After having her I loved being a parent and had to try for a year to finally conceive be my second. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking “why did I do this to myself?” I mean, it’s easy to watch them smile and sleep and to get the tiny hugs and kisses to know WHY. But in moments of weakness and complete chaos, a person who didn’t want kids in the first place (like myself) can easily reflect on the life they thought they were going to have.

Rebecca Carvalho 1 year ago

What a poor attitude to embrace. :( Living a life of regret is something I choose NOT to do. Sure, raising kids is difficult and messy, but these kids will turn into (hopefully) functional adults someday, and it happens so fast. While I sometimes say having kids is the best worst thing that ever happened to me, I can’t imagine what the outcome would be if I only chose to focus on mostly the negative. I’m not judging, I merely wish all the moms on here to remember this truth: Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”–Mahatma Gandhi

Our children are our legacy, our destiny, the future and it begins with our thoughts about the gift of life we have recieved (aka children).

Courtney Hernandez 1 year ago

I wouldn’t say “i never wanted kids”, i always knew i wanted kids, but not the way it happened. I can tell u one thing, if given the choice to do it all over again, i would do it exactly as it happened, 16yrs old with my first, 17 yrs old with my sec, and 25 with my 3rd. Why? Cuz that’s how it was supposed to be. Everything worked its way out and my kids know they are loved so very much. Regardless if they weren’t planned or not. I wasn’t planned…but i knew i was loved. That’s the important thing.

Victoria Lalande 1 year ago

i think people are being very nasty about this article. i got pregnant at 16 and i didnt want kids at that point. i was still a kid myself. it took the first year or two before i adjusted and became happy with my situation. there are still days where i think wow this was a bad life choice but those thoughts come in moments of deep stress. it so easy for you all to say if you dont want it why did you have it? but honestly accidents happen and birth control methods can fail. adoption is a very hard choice and abortion is even harder so for all of you saying that the writter should have gotten rid of the kids or given them away YOU are the shitty person not her. being a parent is not easy and we all have our moments of doubt. maybe that moment comes when you are dealing with a new born or maybe it comes while you are dealing with a four year old freaking out at the store. the key thing is that it does happen. i can really feel for this woman. i was a single sole parent and even with help from my parents i was alone in raising my son. i spent alot of nights crying because of stress. i love my son and truely would rather die then ever see him hurt. Every parent follows a different path but as long as you love your children those moments of doubt no longer matter

Lawry 1 year ago

I am right there with you….now that he is 6 I have finally gotten to the “I think I got this point” but still have those thoughts.

Heather Taeger 1 year ago

It affects me because I know so many beautiful, wonderful women who would do anything on this earth to have children who can’t. And it breaks my heart that the gift of motherhood is wasted on those who don’t want it, and not given to those who do.

Brittany Maddox 1 year ago

I never wanted kids. I have 4 now. And I still don’t want kids. Haha…seriously though. I admire this woman for stepping forward and telling her story. Motherhood isn’t everyone’s life’s calling. And just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you’re JUST a mom. You’re a daughter, a friend, a wife, a partner, a writer, a runner, a singer…etc. When you have children, other parts of your life have a tendency to “die out.” Your hobbies and interests are replaced by PTO meetings and tumbling meets. Having the “I didn’t plan this life” thought doesn’t make you a bad mom…it just means you’re human.

Victoria 1 year ago

It is absolutely possible to admit you never wanted children, without sending the message that you hate your children. It is possible to not project your resentment of opportunities lost. But in many cases, it is no different than any other life plan you had that circumstances prevented. Letting your kids know that you had to change plans because of them and lived a different life than you wanted shows them the truth of the world: things happen. Roll with it.

Evidently, your mother sucked at it, and thats to bad. Did you ever stop to think she was actually expressing her resentment at your father for dying and so not being there to appreciate what she gave to him, nor there to do his side of the parenting plan?

When my girl’s dad, who had talked me into continuing our unplanned and unwanted pregnancy, left, my grandmother wrote me the oddest letter, relating his behaviour to my grandfather, who had recently died. Being angry with him for leaving her alone was a step in the grieving process, maybe one your mother got stuck on. At any rate, my daughter (now 30) can understand what her existence did to my life and appreciate that i stepped up and did the job and loved her, despite what i lost.

Ann Tetreault 1 year ago

I understand this effects you deeply. I do hope that we all can have support when needed. Being a good mom is hard work. I love scary mommy for providing a forum for all of us!

Candace Lee 1 year ago

Yes, I have been told by someone I loved dearly that I wasn’t wanted – it’s what ended my first marriage. I would bet that sentiment is the end of a lot of marriages. It didn’t cripple me or completely psychologically destroy me. My grandmother has told my father numerous times that having him at 15 was a mistake because she didn’t want a baby then and wasn’t equipped to deal with one. You know what? My father grew up to be a completely normal and very loving man despite what you view as horrific honesty.

The title of the article is “I never wanted children” – what would you expect the text to be if not about an explanation of why she didn’t want children? Would have rather the article had been about how she never wanted children but now her life is so beyond magical because the sun shines out of the posteriors of her screaming spawn? This isn’t about giving her a special award for worrying about screwing up her children, it’s about making other women who have reluctantly found themselves on this motherhood journey feel more comfortable about sharing their own stories. Compassion – you’re doing it wrong.

J Sid 1 year ago

While I can’t speak for the author, I can speak for myself. I got pregnant at 25 and I was on birth control. I was def one that DID NOT want kids. In fact, once I found out I was pregnant I had many friends that were actually worried for my future child!! But becoming pregnant, loving my fiancé, and experiencing the process of a pregnancy just kinda set my natural instincts into action. I loved being parent so much that I tried for almost a year to have my second child. Loving your children now doesn’t mean that you love or have to love every minute of parenthood. I OFTEN think “really?? This is what my life is right now? wtf did I do!” But I think my thinking is natural and I don’t need someone asking “well why did you have kids, why didn’t you get an abortion? Why didn’t you put her up for adoption?” I couldn’t imagine my life without my children, nor do I want to! There are MANYYYYYY a wonderful mothers out there who didn’t want kids. Who would NEVER consider abortion or adoption. Who live their children unconditionally, who take care of their responsibility as best they can. But please, PLEASE don’t be THAT person who brings up the abortion or adoption card.

Jennifer Moore Needham 1 year ago

Love! Nicely written

Kellie Scarbrough 1 year ago

Everyone’s journey is different and that’s ok.

Julia Parnas 1 year ago

This is another side of the coin. I should write an article about how I always wanted many children and envisioned my life to be a stay at home mom, but I got the one where I am a full time working single mom of one…. I’m not judging the author here, I’m just saying – life is what it is, throws us curves we don’t expect all the time, all we can do is make the best of it.

cv 1 year ago

Great, brave post. I did want kids, but I do much of the nose wiping and ass cleaning grudgingly. And, many of my friends don’t want kids, and I think that’s brave too … choosing to not have kids. Because, in the end, we with children sometimes judge them, thinking they’re narcissists. But we, those who have chosen to birth children because we want to bring something into the world that we created, are really the true narcissists.

Thanks again!
Love, A mom of two very wanted children (even though one was unplanned).

JoAnne Spear 1 year ago

B Jasmine Zinser Craddock I am one of the moms who did not want kids. I can understand your questions, so I will tell you my story and maybe it will help you understand. I had a very rough childhood. My mom worked 60-80 hours a week and my stepdad was a violent alcoholic. I was the oldest of 4 kids and had to take care of my younger siblings at the age of 9. I knew I did not want to have kids. At 21 I had a very bad infection that after treatment scarred my fallopian tubes. At 23 I was told that I couldn’t have children due to all the scarring. Relieved my husband and I stopped using birth control and planned our kidless lives. 6 weeks later I go to the doctor because I am violently ill and find out that not only am I pregnant, but I am 6 weeks pregnant with twins. I don’t believe in abortion so that option was out. After aq long discussion and much soul searching my husband and I decide against adoption and decide that we will do our very best at parenting. It was beyond scary for me. I had zero good role models for parenting, I was scared I would be a terrible parent or worse an abusive parent. The first couple of years after the girls were born I read every parenting book, joined every parent of twins group, and tried to be super mom. But I didn’t feel like a great parent, I didn’t get the warm fuzzy feeling that all these other moms had everytime their baby smiled or laughed. Then I met a wonderful woman that explained to me that this was like my 5 th child, I had been changing diapers and getting up feeding babies since I was 9 years old. Around the time my children were 2 I started having days where I loved being a mom and I started feeling more confident in my ability. Every year became a little better and I became less anxious and more fulfilled being a parent. Now my twins are 17 and I have been very honest with them about the way I felt and why I felt the way I did. They also know that now 17 years later I am so grateful that the doctor was wrong, my girls are a gift and the best thing that I have ever done.

Christina Belessis 1 year ago

Thank you for this article.. I was going to have my tubes tied when I was 21. I am 38 and have a 3 and 6 year old (planned) but Lord have said over and over this is why I didn’t want kids.. I love them and they are my world..but dam its hard! Honesty is the best policy and love yours. Thanks again for making me feel “normal”!!

Rebecca Meli-Cornwell 1 year ago

Not judging. This is just not something a child should grow up to read about themselves.

Jaclyn Sterling 1 year ago

I never did either and now I have three! Lol

Rebecca Meli-Cornwell 1 year ago

I totally agree. These feeling are 100% valid and should be discussed. Just in private with other parents that feel the same way.

Wendy 1 year ago

Try making bacon in the oven. It may not change your feelings about motherhood, but it will about making bacon.

Shawna Silvers Winans 1 year ago

Wow… All the judging. This is exactly why I am terrified to write when it’s all I ever want to do. Some of you are heartless and do not really bother to read, hear, feel, or connect… Just judge. And if you DON’T connect.. Move on. Why be mean about it?

Ann Tetreault 1 year ago

I do wish more was said…

Saskatchewan Momma 1 year ago

I got pregnant unexpectedly at 18. That child is now 17 years old and ah-ma-zing. I will say that while I planned to have children, I certainly never planned to have one that young, right out of highschool. I applaud your honesty. And to all the moms commenting who feel that her honesty will be hurtful or harmful to her children, I would humbly suggest that you are projecting your own childhood hurts onto her and her children. I have always been honest with my son. I had no choice but to be honest – he went to school when he was 6 and realized that everyone else’s mom was years older than me. And then they went and taught him math. LOL It wasn’t an option for me to say “oh, you were planned” when he so obviously wasn’t. I gave up university in favour of a tech school education to start bringing in money to raise him. I worked dam hard for alot of years in a career that I hate, simply because the benefits were good and I could no longer be selfish and chase my own dreams – it was about raising him. I have been completely forthright with him since he hit puberty. You are the result of unprotected sex. We struggle and we work hard because I didn’t get a university degree. There is value in my story, for him. As he navigates his relationships with young women, I want him to understand there is consequences when making adult decisions. The result of that honesty? We have completely open lines of communication. He and I are the best of friends. He respects and admires me, and I him. He is entering grade 12 in the fall with 6 consectutive semesters of honour roll under his belt, and in a prime position to go into the university of his choosing. He has worked part time through highschool, knows the value of a dollar, and wants to create a life for himself better than the one we lived. I never created a fantasy world for him, where he was planned and wanted and loved from the start. His beginning was confusion, trepidation, fear, anger. But he will be more than I ever was because of my story. The best gift you can ever give your kids is your honesty.

Breann 1 year ago

Thank you so much for this.
I thought I was the only one. I’m surrounded by people who think every obnoxious thing a kid says or does is this amazing blessing, and that anyone who feels differently must be a terrible person. (And oh god, her poor children!)
I’m not incredible at this. I don’t cherish every second and every floatie in my water… but I’m doing my best.
Thank you for reminding me I don’t need to enjoy kisses with mouths full of food to love my kids and raise them to adulthood with hopefully minimal emotional scarring for either one of us.

Sarah Leach 1 year ago

And I’ll be the first to admit parenting is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And occasionally I long for the days when I was child free and care free – but that doesn’t mean I entertain the thought “I never wanted you” – those thoughts lead to bitterness and resentment. The mind is a powerful thing.

Melissa Sikorski 1 year ago

Understand COMPLETELY!!!!!

Ann Tetreault 1 year ago

I take the article for what it is, not reimagined into what it could be. Maybe she could have elaborated more, as I am sure there is a huge amount unsaid. (I would like to hear more of her pov.)
I can’t speak of other people’s personal choices, nor do I care to do so unless they seek my support and guidance.

Tina Fenerty Clewes 1 year ago

She did not outright say that she loves her kids… It’s stated that “you don’t have to follow up your woes with ‘but I love my kids.’ They know and we all know.” And I never stated that I though she didn’t. I stated that regardless of my doubts if being a mom at all, I still love my child. It makes me sad because she is struggling too.

Stephanie Hinkle Chaillou 1 year ago

My mother didn’t want kids. As a kid she didn’t even babysit. As she got older she was told by doctors she couldn’t get pregnant and it wasn’t a crushing blow. Then I happened. Later she had my two brothers. I’m sure there were times she had similar thoughts.
Then there’s me, I always wanted kids. I’ve got three now and yes, there are days that I think about how my life might be easier without the little buggers running around.
Does this mean that either one of us doesn’t love our kids? Nope.

Motherhood comes in all sorts of permutations. The point is it’s a tough gig, no matter how it happens. We as a community should do our best to support each other.

AnonymousCoward 1 year ago

I think that everyday. I have four. I’m just glad to see I’m not the only one. My youngest has Opposition Defiance Disorder and I’m battling a bout of depression because of it. It makes me think back to the “I’m never going to be a mom” phase, before failed birth control then saying, what the hell, I already have 1, what’s one more…then more failed birth control when my husband took advantage of me while I was passed out drunk (yea my life is just fucking peachy). Joy? There is very little in this house and it’s few and far between but I do try to savor it when i see it, otherwise I would be curled up in the corner crying everyday. It’s NOT worth it, I’m a shell of a human with no soul left.

Sarah Leach 1 year ago

I’m not on a high horse, I’m mostly just shocked by these types of blogs which I see pop up more and more. Im thankful that there’s little chance my friends who’ve struggled with infertility will ever read them too. I just don’t see how responding to the struggles of parenting by saying “this is why I never wanted kids” is something to consider acceptable. Or to glorify, which writing blogs about it seems to do. If people want to write them, read them, and applaud them that’s fine. But I’m going to choose to disagree. I don’t think every thought or feeling we have is ok just because we have them though – sometimes we have to challenger ourselves to better ways of thinking and feeling. Isn’t that part of growing up?

Alaina 1 year ago

Seriously, awesome – I always find myself wondering why I’m so different and why I lack the compassion and determination to be the best mom ever that so many other women have. And I often feel guilty that I refuse to have another child b/c I realize it means the complete loss of myself and my sanity. It means so much that someone like you has put it in words exactly. Allowing the rest of us to realize we’re not actually alone. We don’t need to, after this sort of admission, make sure everyone knows we love our children. Of course we do, they mean the world to us and change us for the better, but just b/c we had them doesn’t mean our sense of self has to be forgotten and erased.

It’s hard to not worry about what others think of you, but encouragement from other mommies, such as yourself, that we’re not actually as odd as we feel we are, is incredibly comforting. So, thank you very much for this.

Mary Schneider 1 year ago

My mom didn’t want me… but I never felt that way. I was an “oops” at 40. Her doc told her there was “no need” for birth control at her age. Dad was 60. Their youngest was 10.

Kids are resilient. Beyond that, she’s writing about the hard work of being a good mom, even though it wasn’t in her original plan. I think that being a good mom is something we can all support, even if it wasn’t what the writer wanted going out of life.

Maggie Jones 1 year ago

It takes courage to be honest. Loved this piece.

s 1 year ago

I feel this constantly. Thank you for saying it. I was supposed to be infertile and was happy about it. Well, surprise! I now have a 6 year old boy who is a constant struggle. I miss my husband…the one I MARRIED. I miss trips. I miss ME. I have changed everything for my child and yet, I still haven’t changed enough.

Steph Powers 1 year ago

I have never felt this way, I always wanted lots of kids, but it’s not easy for me, so I can not relate at all. But I do think that it’s good to let others know they aren’t alone. I feel guilty on the days I think I didn’t do enough with my 3 yo, and it helps knowing other moms aren’t perfect either, so I hope this blog helps others. No where in this did I get the impression she doesn’t want or love her children. It was a hard moment and she thought how did I get here. She obviously loves her kids.

Selina 1 year ago

Thank you for sharing this! I don’t know how many days I have had that I say this in my head and then immediately regret it because of the guilt I feel. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only mom out there in this struggle.

Ann Tetreault 1 year ago

I think the article is beautifully nuanced.

different 1 year ago

While I planned to have children, I sit now and wonder why. I lost my job after the third one, which would be okay if my student had been able to be deferred, but I’ve reached end of that boat…and I know if I hadn’t had them I could afford what I want and pay my debts…and I feel selfish for it…and my oldest gets the brunt of everything because she reminds me to much of my ex husband who was abusive…I never should have done this

Heather Taeger 1 year ago

Agreed, but I feel that if the poster were a reckless teen who had children and bemoaned the fact afterwards, would people be as agreeable to her stance? Would there not be the “well what did you think sex would lead you to?” Why is it different when it’s an older woman doing the same thing? At a certain point, you need to realise that what is done is done, and you need to step up. It takes two to tango, as they say.

I truly sympathize for those where birth control fails, but for those claiming pressure from spouses, why would you even marry someone who doesn’t share your life plan??? Do you not discuss these things before you get married? I really don’t understand that.

Wendy 1 year ago

Even moms who bask in the joy of motherhood have those moments where they think “I didn’t sign up for this.” It’s okay, all of our feelings okay, and we absolutely need to share those feelings with others. I would just say that when talking about the “I never wanted to have children” feelings, be cautious about saying it in front of your children. My mother never wanted children. She was and is a good mother, but every time she mentions that she didn’t want to have children and if she had it to do over again she wouldn’t, it hurts. I know she loves me and have never doubted that she does, but even as an adult, it hurts to hear your mother say she didn’t really want you.

Candace Lee 1 year ago

I am shocked at the number of grown women who keep saying “if you didn’t want children just use birth control. How do you accidentally get pregnant twice?,” “she could have just had an abortion,”and “you should have given them up for adoption if you didn’t want them.”
1- accidents do happen even if you are on birth control and use it as exactly as directed. No birth control is 100% effective, so it is entirely possible that she was on the pill/patch/ring/shot both times she became pregnant.
2 – do you think having an abortion is an easy decision to make? Perhaps it went through her mind a lot before she decided to keep the pregnancy, or perhaps strong religious convictions prevented it from entering her mind. Either way, that’s not a decision that you should ever say someone else should have made.
3 – giving a child up for adoption isn’t as easy as it looks in movies. It’s a complicated legal process that doesn’t just happen overnight. You don’t just have a baby and tell the hospital “yeah I think I just want to give it up for adoption” and leave.

Get off your high horses and recognize that not everyone planned for the life they have and that’s ok. It’s clear she’s making the best of the situation and she does say she loves her children very much. Stop condemning the woman because she didn’t start her motherhood journey with the plans and dreams of being someone’s mother.

Erika Boudreaux 1 year ago

Thank you! Seeing other people echoing her struggles in the comments here really does help. A someone who feels the exact same way – its nice to know there are other people out there with these struggles. I never wanted children and still don’t. Nothing changed after mine was born. Nothing at all.

Kathy Foster 1 year ago

This is totally me & I ended up with twins. Now 11yrs old, they are my life (I do not have a life of my own).

Laura Einsele Arden 1 year ago

I love her honesty!!!! I will always love and defend my children but there are days that I don’t like them very much and I think when in the hell did I sign up for this I don’t think as moms we want to admit this out loud for fear of being judged by society!

Denise Freeman 1 year ago

Read it again. She isn’t saying she doesn’t want her kids. She says she loves her kids. It just wasn’t what she saw for her life, but she isn’t saying she regrets it.

Erin 1 year ago

Sorry…*feel

Ann Tetreault 1 year ago

I didn’t say it made you judgey. Fortunately, I do not feel that way. Unfortunately there is a lot of vitriol from others on this thread. I find people who are quick to judge are probably quite lacking themselves. (I direct this to the very negative commenters.). It’s a delicate life, a beautiful life, not black or white, but wonderfully complicated. That is what I understand and always try to uphold. ✨

Heather Scout-Pouliot 1 year ago

If people are going to be so harsh, why are you following this blog??? I like it because this aurthor is brave enough to let out all the things we REALLY think about sometimes. And if you dont, you are lying to yourself.

Claudia McCowan 1 year ago

“We are the moms who saw our flaws so clearly that we knew—we just knew—that motherhood was not a good choice for us. The moms who sit on the floor and cry at night with fear that, because our children weren’t planned, we’re screwing them up.”

^Yeah, that sure sounds like a neglectful selfish mother to me. /sarcasm

Karen D. Wicks 1 year ago

She states that she loves her kids too and believes other moms with doubts love their kids.

Megan Shirk 1 year ago

Regardless of how you arrived on Planet Parenthood, you are here. You don’t have to feel bad for admitting it’s hard. We know. You don’t have to hide from your story of how you got here. We know. And you don’t have to follow up your woes or complaints with, “But I love my kids.”

Get off your high horses.

Mary Sue 1 year ago

We (sort of) planned our one child, and though I love her, I understand the sentiment of the article completely. Maybe it would be easier if our society actually acknowledged what a HARD and overwhelming job this is, rather than act like we should be thrilled every moment (or like we’re not doing anything when we’re just ‘home with the kids(s)’). Maybe if society were structure to help parents in raising the next batch of citizens (subsidized daycare anyone?) Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Regardless of the reasons, I wish this topic were easier to talk about without others reminding you of all the people who desperately want to be parents or how selfish you must be to crave a bit of balance in a crazy life. Enough.

Erin 1 year ago

I fell so safe in saying that the author of this post will share this post with her children. She will be honest, and yea, brave. Because it is the truth, her truth. I am so sorry that you have troubled memories and I’m sorry that your circumstances were the way they are. Part of what makes mothers resentful and especially “back in the day” when it was taboo to utter the words…is the picture of what is “supposed” to be.

It is clear that your life experiences with your mother made you choose to be different with your children and maybe that is part of the “plan.”

I wrestled with this. A lot. I saw a therapist and said, “I just don’t think I was meant to be a mother.” Weeping…
Her reply, “but you are, so suck it up and do the job.”

And I did…. Now four kids later I adore the gig. Really. But it was not love at first positive pg test.

So…I can see both sides but I hope that the author uses her words to teach her kids…who she clearly does love if you visit her blog…that even though it wasn’t the original plan, it can still be wonderful.
Just my $.02–:)

Denise Freeman 1 year ago

Nowhere does she say she doesn’t love her children now. Nowhere does she say she doesn’t want them. She is explaining she never saw herself having them… She is not regretful that her life changed.

Karen D. Wicks 1 year ago

Oh puhlease, there are countless unplanned children and they figure it out and aren’t scarred for life. She is just saying that the crappy parts of parenting (poop etc.) are crappy and she hates them just as much after kids as before BUT she also said she loves her kids and that’s what is important.

Jessica Farrell 1 year ago

I think you’re talking about 2 different things: there is simply feeling something, and then there is publishing it for the whole world to see. I don’t think she’s talking about the latter. I think she’s taking on that task in order for other women to simply feel what they’re feeling (that doesn’t mean all the other women have to tell anyone). Feeling ANYTHING doesn’t need to be justified. We can’t control our feelings. Only our reactions.

Bob Smith 1 year ago

I think people confuse “I did not want kids” with “I do not want the kids I have.” There are innumerable things in life we didn’t necessarily want but otherwise embrace — or embrace with reservation on some days, as I think most parents do (“I love my children but I could do without them right now”). This woman did not write that she resents her children; in fact, she plainly stated that she loves them.

AnonyMom 1 year ago

I cry at least once a day, because I think my baby son deserves so much more than I can give him.
I feed him, clothe him, change diapers, go for walks, cuddle and kiss him with all the love I have within me… And I never feel like it’s enough.
And he’s a wonderful child: no morning sickness, no colic, no teething shrieking, goes to nap/bed without fuss, bright, loving, playful – he’s pure sunshine.

Murphy Van Meter 1 year ago

I needed this read this morning. Thank you so much for being brave enough, and articulate enough, to say what many of us only vaguely feel guilty over but have no words to express.

Belinda Fontan 1 year ago

The point is that as a young girl and woman she never envisioned her life with kids. Hey I didn’t want to get marry or have kids. And trust me when I say if I hadn’t met hubby I would be still single. It’s how you reconcile your vision of your life and reality. When it took a unexpectedly wonderful turn.

Wendy Richards 1 year ago

I never planned on having kids. Ever. That being said, I probably wouldn’t still be here if it weren’t for my kids. They may drive me out of my ever loving minds more often than not(have a very strong willed 5 year old), I love the hell out of them and couldn’t imagine NOT having them.

Barbara Walden 1 year ago

i can really relate to this…i never wanted kids and now i have two. i sometimes fantasize that i am single and kid free. i think part of the problem for me is dealing with negative forces in my family situation, one being a very difficult daughter and typical 3 yr old son

Ingrid Brooker Nozahic 1 year ago

No. There are many mothers out there that are not super by any stretch. Regardless of wanting kids or not they neglect , abuse and worse.

em 1 year ago

thank you for writing this. i did want kids–not until i was 24 & working in daycare, but i did want kids. however, they didn’t start coming until i was 34. and now they won’t stop coming. number 4 was a surprise & now i am afraid to have sex!! i spent number 4’s pregnancy in a deep, dark place–feeling like a horrible person. feeling like an idiot for accidentally getting pregnant. worrying what people would think. worrying i was ruining everyone’s lives. i wrote a short story about it. if you want to read it, let me know. it’s kind of cool. speaking of writing–the book MOTHER READER helped me a lot. that identity crisis that comes with being a creative person and a mom is difficult even if you wanted kids. i haven’t read your blog yet, but i am looking forward to doing so if i ever get a minute to think.

Luna 1 year ago

I’ve wanted children exactly twice in my life. Both times were moments of insanity that resulted in… well, children. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change them for the world, but I know I’m not cut out for this parenting thing. When their dad was with us, I was ok, knowing I could pass them over to him to look after, then he left and it’s just the three of us. I know they’d be better off with someone slightly more organised, someone who interacts with them more, someone who does more than just lay on the couch in exhaustion after the school run. Whenever I’m praised on how well behaved or well mannered they are, I blink in confusion. They’re not like that at home, with less than 2 years between them, they’re like wailing tornadoes, either fighting or causing chaos and destruction. But they’re healthy, happy, intelligent and loving. So I must be doing something right. It’s horrible admitting to yourself that you’re not cut out to be a mother. But it’s such a relief to see that I’m not the only one. And despite my doubts, my fears and my worries, I wouldn’t change it. I’m really selfish with my possessions and the things that I have made.

Heather Welch Reynolds 1 year ago

I’d like to add that often feeling this way absolutely does make you feel as a black sheep.
Too often I am only around mothers who are happy and love motherhood because of the support they receive. They have family to lean on for childcare. They have family there to talk to. They have someone that makes them feel as though their rugrats are pretty damn cool and they love to be involved.
I love my children but far too often I am envious of those with help. Envious of those who still have a life outside of their children.
My husband and I feel as though we are drowning most days and I wish I could be happy.
While judging … remember that each situation is DIFFERENT.

Denise Freeman 1 year ago

Nowhere in the article did she say she doesn’t love her children, or that she doesn’t want them now. She stated she didn’t expect her life to be this way, that’s all.

Karen D. Wicks 1 year ago

Maybe her spouse pressured her? Maybe bc failed and she doesn’t believe in abortion? Maybe she felt a maternal instinct after discovering she was pregnant? Maybe after the first, they had a second so he wouldn’t be lonely (lots if people use that reasoning)? Note that she did say didn’t initially want/plan on children BUT she does love her kids – hence the no adoption part and probably the second child. Also, tons of kids aren’t planned and know it and they aren’t scarred for life because their parents still love them – as the author does.

Leslie Sansom 1 year ago

I love this! I did not plan my first child but I did my second. I ha e always been one of those who just doesn’t understand the moms who let their kids consume their whole world and do nothing but say wonderful about them. I am a realist. I praise my kids when they deserve it and complain about them when they like little shits. I love my kids but I wasn’t prepared for this and sometimes I hate it.

Teresa Marie Sousa 1 year ago

I am one of those moms, who never wanted kids, but have a son. And I think it’s good for our kids too know, when they are young adults, how we feel. Because society has made it out to seem that children complete EVERY woman, and that every woman should want kids, and that if you don’t, there is something wrong with you. I look back and think, this is why I never wanted kids, but my son is here now and I do a good job at being a mom because that is life. We work with what life throws at us.

Charlie 1 year ago

You are so much braver than I. Thank you for writing what some of us think behind closed doors. And no, the thoughts are not like a cold that will get better with time. The knowledge that one is not mom material is truly ingrained and is not chosen lightly. Yes, I am a mom and I love my child very much. If I had it to do again, I would not have had this child. Not selfish, just realistic.

Tia Colvin 1 year ago

I can identify with a lot of her feelings. Although both of my kids were planned, I didn’t want children until I was about 32. I love my kids, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally feel remorse for not being able to live the life I had grown up envisioning for myself. It doesn’t mean that my kids are “unwanted” or “unloved,” but just that I’m trying to create new life goals that include the family that my younger self had not planned on having.

nicole 1 year ago

Thank you. I never wanted kids. Not that I didn’t feel like a “born mother” or anything like that- I was cool with other kids and knew how to be a mom. I just felt no urge to bring another person onto this planet and have their life be my responsibility. My son was planned because my husband really wanted to have a child of his own. I obliged with a one-and-done child. I’m happy where I am now, for the most part, but this was definitely not my plan.

Rachel 1 year ago

Thank you for saying something out loud that I think everyday. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

Margo 1 year ago

I love the honesty. Conversely, I always wanted to be a mom… The mom that I never had. In the early days I wanted 5 kids. I had ONE in my early 20’s, and had no plan to have more. I got remarried and had 3 more kids in 5 years. I am living my dream right? There’s an unspoken rule that says I can’t bitch or complain, because this is all I ever wanted, right? If I do complain, I get judgemental looks that say, “hey! No take backs! Suck it up! You asked for it!” The truth is, regardless of original intention, motherhood is really fucking hard. Especially on those who are trying to do right by their children. Bravo to those of us who admit its hard, want to give up everyday…. But, keep, on, going. There will never be a day that we have “arrived”. It will be a thankless job forever! There’s no special place I heaven or any of that BS. And when we’ve retired… Out bodies will perpetually remind us that we spent our prime years covered in spit, puke, shit, and piss. Hah! Might have to turn this comment I to a blog post! Thanks for sharing! I love following you!

Amy Cole 1 year ago

I think if she wasn’t ready for people to reply in various ways, she wouldn’t have written it. I’m not sure how a grown woman adamant that she doesn’t want children goes on to get “accidentally” pregnant twice. And then doesn’t choose adoption so she can go on with her fabulous child-free life.

Heather Taeger 1 year ago

Ann Tetreault, I don’t understand, and that doesn’t make me judgey, it just means I was fortunate enough to make a family plan with a loving partner and see it through. I know people who do not want children, and thus have taken steps to prevent it medically. I can appreciate the candor of the article, but agree that just because it’s “honest”, doesn’t mean it’s right. You’re a mother now, and if that’s a struggle to the point where you are constantly wishing you weren’t, I would urge those mothers to seek help before it damages their children or relationships.

Katharina Mariante Rush 1 year ago

There are some real assholes on this thread. All she is saying is that she never wanted to have children, honesty. She isn’t saying she doesn’t want them now. I never wanted to have children and was told I couldn’t have any. I was fine with that. Two kids later, I am beyond happy that I have them. They are my life! I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Yes, I never wanted children. And no, I couldn’t imagine my life without them now. Do I think “WTF happened”? Of course but I pull up my big girl panties and move on.

Claudia McCowan 1 year ago

While we’re being all judgemental and stuff: If you don’t have at least one dark moment as a new mom when you think to yourself, “dear god, I have made a terrible, terrible mistake,” you’re not taking this parenthood gig seriously enough. IMHO.

sonja 1 year ago

I have one child. I never planned when, where, how and what. Never gave having children much thought. As my husband and I got older we decided it’s probably now or never. I hated kids when in school and ended up working with them after. I have a school friend who knew from a early age that she never wanted kids. She fell pregnant by accident twice and there is a 11month difference between the 2 boys. I do not consider her a mom any different from me. She is an excellent mom! Just because you know you didn’t want something doesn’t mean you can not be brilliant at it! And just for the record, I know a lot of “always wanted children moms” and they struggle and google and ask just as many questions as the rest! The facts are, babies DO NOT come out with operating manuals! Respect to the moms that can be brutally honest!

Miserys Malice 1 year ago

Isn’t great that an article like this can show how diverse we all are with our coping mechanisms with becoming mothers.
What’s greater is there’s a page like this that shares different articles and stories that each of us at some time can relate to, which in turn works out to be great support for some of us mums by letting us know we’re not alone with some of our thoughts and feelings.

When my depressions are biting away at my confidence, my anxiety is through the roof, my 4yo is testing my patience and my 14mo is teething on my last fibre of my sanity.. Articles like this and a plethora of others posted on this page have been a positive and supportive substitute to a few cheeky sips of vodka.

Thank you again.

KRisten 1 year ago

This. This a million times over. My heart goes out to those poor kids if they ever find this post or their mom’s blog, twitter, facebook, etc. chronicling how these sentiments. I get that we’re a community of Mom’s and it’s good to be honest, but why punish your children publicly in this way?

Grace Manter 1 year ago

Everyone has a right to their feelings. I truly hope that you find peace and joy within this life you didn’t want. Sincerely!

I do hope your children never get their hands on this blog piece, however. They shouldn’t have to know these feelings. You love them, yes. I just hope they never know how much you resent what their existence took from your life.

Emily 1 year ago

Thank you! Thank you!

Monique Wilson 1 year ago

She’s.not saying she wants to give.them up….planned.or not.being a parent is hard and im.sure every parent has felt that being one was just not for them…. that doesn’t mean.they hate their.kids…. but kids/babies are individuals who have their own personality and will do.what they want… they have their own brain and way of thinking….

Laura Price 1 year ago

This author read my mind word for word

Michelle Smith Kerouac 1 year ago

Thank you for sharing. I never wanted kids, either. I now have 3,and they are my everything.

Sarah Leach 1 year ago

“I’m going to tell you it’s okay.

It’s okay that you never wanted kids in the first place. It doesn’t make you mean or selfish or less of a woman. It just makes you honest.”

Since when is a feeling justified just because it’s honest? No, it is not okay. You may not have wanted the children but you had them and you kept them – you are second now. This is the second blog of this type I’ve read this week and my heart breaks for the day these children realize that the deep lurking suspicion they had all along that they were unwanted was actually true. This is not the kind of feeling you shout from the rooftops.

Casey 1 year ago

When we have children, we lose our right to free speech? Who knew. You obviously still have the ability to verbalize a thought, congratulations! It is brave to say something out loud that you are ashamed/afraid of. I love my son, I’m aware that I created a beautiful person… but not every day is sunshine, not every moment is cooing and kissing. You have the right to your opinion, and so does the author.

Chelsea Hopson 1 year ago

I did want kids and there are days that I want to run away, and I’m not a stay at home mom for that very reason! I love my kids more than anything but I was not cut out to be home with them 24/7. That’s not to say I don’t miss them when I’m working but I need that time away. It makes us all happier at the end of the day when we get to spend quality time doing fun stuff together. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for someone who didn’t even want their kids to become a stay at home mom.

Gabrielle Harrell Butler 1 year ago

I am an older mom and I can say I have had days where I think ” this isn’t worth it!” Some days I pray for aliens to abduct me, lol! I think judging someone because they admit that motherhood isn’t their cup of tea is wrong. Some people have children because its “the right thing to do”. I’m sure she thought that as soon as she saw her child it would change her feelings, just like most people have commented. I am the mom of a 20, 16, 7, and I’m due with #4 in November. I have has mixed emotions about motherhood. I don’t think you should be ashamed to say it!

Emily Jones 1 year ago

I LOVE this article ♡

Mommy Lisa 1 year ago

While some days I admit I think – “For crying out loud will you stop hanging on me!” I have never thought I didn’t want kids. I suppose you’re admitting your truth, but I sure hope among the thoughts about why you didn’t want kids you do enjoy them!!! They are here after all.

And being a mom is hard, DUH! Even for those who planned their nursery when the stick turned blue.

Claire Collins Thompson 1 year ago

I love her honesty and transparency.

Laura Woods 1 year ago

I love honesty. That took courage to put out there for all the judgy moms to read. Shame on those of you who have responded negatively.

Miranda Hooper 1 year ago

I have never felt this way. I’m the one that has always wanted children and as hard as it is some days it is totally worth every second.
Although I do have a friend that feels this way. She thought that children were the right idea/life plan but she struggles everyday to feel that way. I’m so glad that this was written and shared; moms that feel this way need support and understanding. I can give the support and respect but I don’t understand. So for my friend, I’m glad somebody does.

Stefanie 1 year ago

My mother hated her kids, that has nothing to do with this story. Did you read each word to the bottom or jump to projecting your past onto the present? Saying anything that can be construed as negative about being a parent is taboo and that is why this is simply refreshing to hear. It is the truth, why hide from it? Why not put it on the table and acknowledge it? That is how communities work aid each other and find common ground and how exhausted moms can at the very least, know they are not alone sometimes in their desire to have some of their own time and space, instead of feeling like there is something wrong with them for not fitting the glowing mommy image of smiling lovingly as she rocks and nurses with no sleep and burning nipples. There are many days I have wanted to run for the hills. Never planned on getting married then divorced and raising two boys alone. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometime I wonder if I am fucking them up, sometimes I do not care anymore. Thats life. Does not mean I do not love them or play with them or cherish being a mom even when I am in tears.

3ofClubs 1 year ago

Thank you.

NYCParent 1 year ago

As a sometimes reluctant parent (even with a planned pregnancy) I have these thoughts as well. However, I have to agree with some commenters above – how does someone have TWO unplanned children?

Jennifer 1 year ago

Absolutely wonderful piece. I shared it on Facebook. I didn’t set out to do this, but I’ve become the one among my friends to be brutally honest about how I feel about my kid and my life as a parent. It does no good to pretend I don’t have those feelings, and I feel so much better knowing I can be honest and my friends and family support me no matter what. That’s what your piece says to me.

I count myself as one of the lucky ones who knew, without a doubt, that I wanted to be a mom. I also thought the women who knew, without a doubt, that they didn’t want to be moms were lucky — but that’s assuming they didn’t have kids. I sympathize a lot with that I imagine is the biggest group — the women who just aren’t sure.

Julie 1 year ago

Thank you. While I did plan my kids, and even wanted more, I didn’t want any for a long time, and still fantasize about life without kids. I often think motherhood has made me a worse person rather than a better one, but maybe it’s just really good at poking at all of our selfishness.

Casey 1 year ago

Brilliant. Thank you for writing the words that I struggle to even think, let alone say out loud.

Cara Mayega 1 year ago

Amen! I was proudly single and childless at 35. By 36 I was married with a baby. I adore her and she is so much more fun than I expected but I still struggle with how I ended up here.

Kimberly Webb 1 year ago

Many, many women feel this way but would not dare admit it out loud to another soul for fear of being labeled a bad/cold/evil mom. It is ok to say you don’t get warm fuzzies from stepping on legos, cleaning assorted stains from the carpet, the wall or furniture or not pretending to breathlessly treasure the 5th picture in 10 minutes of a circle with rainbow dots drawn for you. Every woman has a different ‘mommying’ style; as long as her kids are cared for, happy, thinks she hangs the moon and they know she loves them, that is all that matters.

Erica Henningsen 1 year ago

Whether you “agree” with the article is completely irrelevant. This is one woman’s story/life/experience and it’s just as valid as your own.

karen 1 year ago

Thank you sooo much for this!!! This hits extremely close to home. I’m literally in tears after reading this, I’m NOT alone! My kids are 5 and 6, and I never envisioned having such a depressing and miserable life. I love them, I love them to pieces, but I was never prepare to have them.

Tina Fenerty Clewes 1 year ago

There is not one parent out there that has not had the though of ‘Why did I have kids’ cross their mind at least once. Even if they planned on having children. I can’t even count how many times the though has crossed my mind. But regardless I still love my kids with every fiber that makes me who I am. Makes me sad for her…

Jennifer Sironen 1 year ago

I never wanted any children until the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I now have three. I love them all but I struggle daily with patience, trying to be a good parent. I knew I didn’t have the temperament for it, again the patience but I love them and I try. Would life be easier financially and time wise without any? Yes. Would I ever wish them away? No way in heck. I admire the honesty of this story though. I feel for those who try and try and cannot have children of their own. It’s an overwhelming job, rewarding at times, incredibly frustrating at others. I have my moments where I wonder what have I done? Then my daughter tells me a joke or the baby smiles just for me and it’s ok :) to those struggling with being a mother you are not alone. It is tough, lean on friends and find joy in the good times. They are little for such a short time even though sometimes it feels like forever at 3am.

anon 1 year ago

BRAVE. so brave. thank you for writing this. i predict some negative feedback here… ignore it. this post will be a comfort to so many. planned or unplanned, this is the toughest job on earth and more women should be as courageous as you are in sharing. it would be easier on all of us if we could be as truthful as this, together.

Debbie Commender 1 year ago

Love the honesty, hang in there you’re doing a good job!!

Barbara Kepner Walton 1 year ago

I think this was an honest take on motherhood. It doesn’t mean the writer doesn’t love her children. We all go through these feelings at some point, but I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything in the world!

Jessica Mentzos 1 year ago

I can appreciate this article very much. My parents always told me I shouldn’t have kids, so for the first 20 years of my life I never thought I would. I had my daughter young and she was an only child for 7 years which was great.

Alyssa 1 year ago

i agree with Jess; while i’m sure a lot of mothers feel this way – even those who always wanted to be mothers – it seems like it would be destructive not only to the relationship but also to the children to ever hear (or read) that they weren’t wanted. the reality is that – planned or not – when you opted to keep your child, you gave up the right to publicly proclaim that you didn’t want to be a mom…

Shona Buddy 1 year ago

Totally agree with everything you said.

Ramona M. 1 year ago

I could have written this article, except I willingly got pregnant because I convinced myself that my fears of being a mom were irrational and because it’s what my dh wanted. Thank you for being so honest!

Nony 1 year ago

This is me!!! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I NEVER wanted kids until three or four years ago when I think my biological clock caught up to me, so in that sense our baby was planned. However, since she’s been born I’ve felt over and over again that I am just not cut out for this mommy thing. I miss my old life so much, the days when I could live my life for me. I have such a hard time identifying with all those parents who gush at how their lives are now complete because of their kids. My life was pretty complete before she got here. Of course she’s adding lots of joy to my life, but all my joy in life does not emanate from my baby. I always felt terrible for feeling that way. Thank you for helping me see I’m not an awful person and an even worse parent.

Dina Van Housen 1 year ago

I notice some unsupportive comments here and I think the judgement you are laying on this blog is total crap. I can relate to parts of this, but even if I couldn’t, I would still respect the honesty. We all have our own personal struggles. We all have to wade through our own baggage, whether it’s about your children or not, to find peace and move forward. Sometimes publicly admitting our feelings provides us just that. Keep your judgement to yourselves – because the day someone judges you, you’ll wish they kept their mouths shut. Bravo, Toni. Bravo.

Shannon 1 year ago

I was one of those mothers. I never wanted to have children. I found myself pregnant at 16, hating life. It was a birth control gone horrible wrong scenario. My son is grown now and all my friends are just now having their children and I look at them and thank my lucky stars that I had my child at 16. Everyone said “oh you ruined your life getting knocked up so young.” I feel very differently about that. I was still fearless and had tons of energy, I can’t even imaging trying to raise a kid now, makes me tired just to think about it. There are still days when I look at my son and say I never wanted this…

Aimee 1 year ago

Agreed, I’m a child who wasn’t wanted either. My entire life I was the one who was blamed for her short comings. Always being told that if it wasn’t for me, she would have been better off. It’s not brave, it’s not wonderful. It’s the reason I’m overly pro-choice.

Jean 1 year ago

I never wanted kids until I lost my son (unplanned pregnancy) at 23wks to a cord accident. The loss was so overwhelming it seemed wrong to NOT try again. Now I have a 7 year old and that’s it, one and done. I try not to think of how different life would be childless because it’s not an option. You take the bad with the good and do your best not to screw it up. Trust me when I tell you the moms who can’t admit that it’s not all rainbows and unicorns are the ones who will do the most harm in the long-run to their kids.

Azure Klein 1 year ago

I disagree with the statement “no mom is supermom.” I think we all are.

Taylor Marie Mochulsky 1 year ago

She took the words right out of my mouth.

Marleen van Zuijlen 1 year ago

Oh man, this must be so hard.
So glad i don’t have those feelings.
Good luck to all of you!

CeeCee 1 year ago

I can appreciate honesty, but this post just makes me shake my head. How does a woman that doesn’t want children get “accidentally” pregnant twice? And then complain about having children she never wanted? For a woman like me, that would do anything to be able to get pregnant, this sounds both selfish and irresponsible. Plenty of BC methods these days for specifically this reason. THAT is maybe why nobody is interested in your complaints, no?

MelissaBail Ey 1 year ago

Heck, I wanted a child and now that I have him (and love him endlessly) there are days I change my mind about having a kid lol

Shira Filene Schoder 1 year ago

My thoughts completely,

Meghann Myers 1 year ago

Yup. Every single word…

B Jasmine Zinser Craddock 1 year ago

Being a mom is hard as hell even when it IS exactly what you wanted. I have days when I recognize that my life would be much easier without kids. But it wouldn’t be better. I am wondering though; if someone doesn’t want kids, why have them? Abortion? Adoption? And I’m also wondering how her children will feel when they read her blog/books?

Keah Young-Mroz 1 year ago

I respect her honesty.

Teri Sorkin 1 year ago

Thank you thank you!!! You make me feel supported and okay! I have struggled with not enjoying motherhood. I am not the mom that can say “it’s so worth it”. And it makes me feel awful. Your blog makes me feel less alone. Thank u. I wanted kids. But I fantasize now (having 2 18 months apart) of being a childless couple. So thank u

Kassiopeia Sykas 1 year ago

5 months into my first pregnancy and I continue to say this every single day. I was happy without kids and would have led a full, wonderful life without them. Shit happens, I guess.

PS- high five to any mom who can admit the relation to this article! It isn’t easy to adjust to a life you hadn’t envisioned or planned for.

Heather Welch Reynolds 1 year ago

Every day is a struggle …
Love this

Teri Sorkin 1 year ago

Thank you thank you!!! You make me feel supported and okay! I have struggled with not enjoying motherhood. I am not the mom that can say “it’s so worth it”. And it makes me feel awful. Your blog makes me feel less alone. Thank u. I wanted kids. But I fantasize now (having 2 18 months apart) of being a childless couple. So thank u

mindie 1 year ago

I think there is nothing wrong with being honest… However I feel you only told one side of your story? Are you void of having joyous moments with your children (they weren’t mentioned which is why I am asking)? Sure everyone has a bad day… But I’m really hoping you also have joy… Children are more than a full time job, I agree with you there completely… But my only concern is that you don’t make them feel (daily) like they are a burden or a mistake… I hope you are getting that I am not being judgy or condescending I’m just curious for more of your story.

Alyssin Wonderland 1 year ago

Thank you Scary Mommy. And thank you Toni Hammer.

Melanie Lynn 1 year ago

Beautiful. Definitely a topic that not talked about much.

Sandy Hume 1 year ago

Courage galore. Refreshing. Endearing, even.

Lauren 1 year ago

I feel that way ALL THE TIME. Thanks for sharing and making me feel less alone.

Chris 1 year ago

My lo was planned and I still feel this way :-\ Thank you for this post.

Stephanie Lewis 1 year ago

I applaud the honesty.

Emily 1 year ago

Oh thank you for this. Last night I stayed up with my screaming puking child who managed to wake the twins with his screams. I am glad to know that there are others out there that feel like this was not what we had planned but now we are stuck in it. Grin and bear it when those other mommies are like this is my dream come true I love being a mom and all I can think is REALLY? Even made the mistake once of saying really out loud lets say that mommy does not allow her kids to play with mine.

Laurie 1 year ago

I felt the same way when I became pregnant with my daughter. We’d been trying for a few months but it never really felt right. I decided that I wasn’t ready for kids and discussed things with my hubby. He supported my decision to stop trying but, figures, I was already pregnant. When I saw the BFP I was like, “FUCK!!!” The months following were filled with a lot of anger, anxiety, and depression that lasted most of my pregnancy. Now my daughter is 3.5 and I am due with #2 in less than a week. Obviously I love my daughter (and have enjoyed being a mom enough to have a second) but I STILL think about how things would be so much easier without kids, how I’d be able to travel so much more, how I’d be more rested, etc. But given the choice I wouldn’t change anything. And that my friends is why I think being a mom (or dad) is the biggest mind fuck of them all.

Jess 1 year ago

I’m sorry but I’m not sure what’s brave about this. I spent my whole life being told by my mother that she didn’t want children, that my father ,who passed when I was five, was the one that wanted children not her. Nothing good came from being told that she didn’t want me, nothing good will come from the nonverbal cues that say “I didn’t want children” either. Aren’t you afraid your children will come across this post one day and wonder, then why did you have me? While my mother and I have an okay relationship, I still wonder if she ever loved me, when I grab my boys and shower them with kisses – I can’t remember if my mother ever kissed all over me, and I have a hard time finding those memories over the “I never wanted kids” ones. Admitting you had a baby you didn’t want in public, isn’t brave, it isn’t something to be proud of, it is just a sad admission and I hope in time you find the good in having kids.

Ashley 1 year ago

This made my day so much better. I’m pregnant with unplanned baby number two, never wanted kids in the first place. Birth control is a joke lol or else it just doesn’t work my body. I have often thought of just walking away and putting this baby and it’s sister up for adoption. Society and my circle at large make me feel like a heartless person for these thoughts, but i never wanted the job. Thank you so much for validating my feelings and showing I’m not the only one.

kel 1 year ago

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love my daughter fiercely, but I am definitely not a “born mother”. I wish that it was more socially accepted to admit this. Seriously, not every baby ever born was planned, why do we act like they were?! It was so refreshing to see that I’m not the only one out there that didn’t plan for kids, but loves and gives them my best every day.

nicole 1 year ago

Thank you. I needed this. I feel this every day. I felt this way years and years before i had kids. No its not post partum. I never wanted kids. I’m getting my tubes tied in a few months ds3 and ds18 months are enough. My life doesn’t feel complete, it feels like a mess. I love them but i am not overwhelmed with love for them. When i was getting a sono the techician sensed my disinterest. She said “u know i have 1 kid, a son, and i didnt LOVE him until he turned 5. Before that i thought he was awful. You will eventually embrace it, motherhood isnt for everyone so dont feel badly about it.

gina 1 year ago

Thank you for having the guts to be honest and forthcoming. I wanted my kids but it was very selfish and now I wish I had though longer about living my own life first about having a more stable relationship…better father material. Whe are all imperfect beings doing the best we can.

BerJ 1 year ago

Congrats on being brave to say it out loud. It definetely helped me… Mine is now a teen. It gets better, promise! I only have one though….. :)

Annon 1 year ago

Thank you! I need this so much , I might even print it out to remind myself that I’m not alone, that I’m not the only one who feels this way . I can’t say this to anyone I know as they are all ‘born mothers’ or planned their children.
Being a good mom is hard enough let alone being one when it was the last thing you ever wanted.

Toni Hammer 1 year ago

It is absolutely okay. I’m glad I could offer some relief. Good luck, Mama, you can do this!

RunBek 1 year ago

Thank you! I’m due at any moment with my one and only child. I made my husband get fixed but we are only having one. And I honestly ask myself every single day why I am having a baby. I’m scared and selfishly already miss everything I’m giving up to be a mom. I feel so relieved knowing I’m not alone and that it’s ok.

Toni Hammer 1 year ago

Thank you for the encouragement, Jenna!

Jenna 1 year ago

What a brave post. THANK YOU.

Toni Hammer 1 year ago

Thank you, Sarah!

sarah 1 year ago

I love this. Thank you for being brave enough to say it.