If Toddlers Could Send 'Texts'

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This weekend while attending a soccer game, I took a look around during half-time and saw everyone in the crowd with their heads bowed down to their cell phones (I was also guilty). I am sure they were sending texts to their partners asking if they should stop at the store on the way home, maybe they were letting another parent who couldn’t make the game know what a nail-biter it was. Perhaps they were checking Facebook or Instagram, who knows.

And while I was pinning the shit out of Pinterest for a new hairstyle, I noticed a little girl sitting on her bottom wearing a pink swing coat and blue knit beanie staring at everyone. I think she was the only one at the game without a device in her hands. I could tell by the look in her eyes, she wanted one of those toys. She was mesmerized, which made me wonder: If toddlers could text, what would they say to each other? What kind of exchanges would they have if they could express their innermost thoughts? My guess is that it would be pretty damn hilarious. I am thinking there would be lots messages about poop, pee, and sharing tips about the best ways to act like little assholes.

Dude, I had two blowouts today. Mom had to throw away one of my outfits because those peas I had last night let loose and that stuff exploded everywhere. I was in my bouncy swing, and I just let it rip. LMAO.

Mom dragged me through Target AGAIN. I screamed the whole time. She was so cross with me but IDGAF. I am so over looking at that damn red cart. It’s been a shit day. I just need to kick back with my Binky, ya feel me?

Mom is drinking that pretty pink stuff in a fancy glass again. It makes her all happy and relaxed and shit. I keep trying to get some for myself, but she keeps grabbing it away from me and handing me my sippy cup instead. WTF? When do we get the pretty juice in the fancy glass?

Man, mom says on Facebook she makes all my food from scratch, and it’s organic! NFW, that shit comes in a jar with a kid on it that looks just like me. So cray, cray.

Hey, if you sit in your highchair and throw shit on the floor, someone will keep picking it up for you. It also works if you are in a shopping cart! Such a blast. I could do this all day.

FYI…if you bite down on the nipple while nursing, your mama will take away your milky-juice so fast you won’t believe it. Repeat: Do not bite the nipple. She also makes this really weird face and starts to cry, which is scary.

Hey girl, I finally got the scissors and some privacy! You should see my bangs, they are on fleek.

Just letting you know if you shove your favorite lovey down the toilet and flush, it does not come back and you get really freaking wet. Don’t do it, dude.

Hey, guess what? Today I pissed on my own face during a diaper change. It scared me and I cried, so keep it on the DL, but what a riot, right?! LOL.

Mom opened my diaper to take a peek and got shit on her finger again! WTF? Why does she keep doing this?

There is no way I’m gonna nap today. Nope. I got this new Paw Patrol book, and I can’t put it down! It’s the bomb.

Hey, today is the playdate man, can’t wait to CU in a few. Mom got those new squeeze yogurts. We can smear them all over each other!

I was so rowdy last night, and well, this morning mom is pissed and keeps drinking black, hot stuff. I will try to simmer down tonight, but really, who am I kidding? The nighttime is when I feel so alive!

Man, you never knew pain until you start cutting a tooth. This shit is real. Being a year old sucks. I literally can not deal.

Tommy came over yesterday. I can’t stand that kid. He’s all potty trained and thinks he is awesome. It’s all his mom talked about. She took our picture and put it on Facebook, so obvious I am wearing a big diaper and he isn’t. I gotta up my potty training game.

In the car right now, can’t wait to get home and take these pants off. I mean, what’s the deal? I just wanna be free, ya know?

Sometimes I just like to sit back and relax with my homeboy Caillou, but mom keeps turning the channel, WTF? I miss that guy. He speaks my language.

Guess what? I figured out how to buy video games from the iPad! I am a genius. Next time we are at the park I will give you all the deets.

So while it would be wildly entertaining to see what kind of messages these tiny humans would exchange, it’s nice to know they still have a year or two before they become addicted to technology.

As I was sitting on the bleachers that day, and the little girl met my gaze, it made me realize I would much rather watch her than my phone, so I slipped it back in my bag and handed her a leaf that was near my foot. And even though she threw it on the ground and started reaching for my bag to get to my phone, the few seconds she looked at the turning leaf was pretty magical.