15 Things That Are Worse Than Having A Boy

by Samantha Wassel
Originally Published: 
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“The last thing I want is to get pregnant with a boy.”

This is what I had the misfortune of overhearing at the playground one afternoon as I was—quite literally—hanging by the monkey bars with my twin boys. The woman who uttered this sacrilege wasn’t even attempting to be discreet. She was sitting at a picnic table in the middle of the playground, just spewing her nonsense for all of the other boy mothers to hear.

I kept my mouth shut at the time, knowing it wasn’t my place to say anything, but I wanted to scream at her:

Do you realize that some women—myself included—would give ANYTHING just to get pregnant?

Do you realize how lucky you are to be able to procreate without dropping thousands of dollars on fertility treatments?

Do you realize that I’m over here, playing with my two AWESOME boys, and that I wouldn’t trade them for the world?

Look, I understand that some people who are trying to get pregnant are kind of hoping for a specific gender, but to say that a baby boy is the last thing you want? I highly doubt that. Boys are pretty damn awesome, and I’m pretty sure there are worse things that could happen to you besides getting pregnant with one.

In fact, if you ask me, there really isn’t anything better in life than having a boy (except maybe having two). But since there are apparently women out there who think it’s “the last thing they want to do” and who have no problem broadcasting that fact to the general public, I thought I’d offer a little perspective.

Here are 15 things I’m pretty sure most women want to do less than “get pregnant with a boy”:

1. Cuddle with a box jellyfish.

2. Spend the night in a porta-potty outside of a taco convention.

3. Share a few Eskimo kisses with a star-nosed mole.

4. Mistake the dead fly that landed in her cookie dough for a raisin.

5. Give herself a hydrochloric acid enema. Oh yeah, feel the burn!

6. Use a leech as a makeshift tampon.

7. Have sex with Beldar Conehead.

8. Have her eyeballs gouged out and eaten by a naked mole rat, and then be forced to watch as they pass through its anal sphincter.

9. Make out with a coprophagiac (defined by Urban Dictionary as “An eater of feces. Poop-eater. One who can’t help but eat feces, their own, or another’s”).

10. Get pregnant with a girl…sea urchin. Have fun pushing that out of your vagina.

11. Kiss a cockroach.

12. Eat a cockroach.

13. Poop out a cockroach.

14. Be a cockroach and have cockroach sex with another cockroach.

Oh, yeah, and um…

15. Deal with infertility issues.

Oh! Bonus! Set off a woman with infertility issues. She may just sick her beloved demon male spawn on you.

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