Itchy Butthole? You Aren’t Alone

Okay, let’s dig in (see what I did there?) and talk about something you probably don’t want to talk about, but we need to address. The butthole.

Contrary to what you’d like to believe about your precious partner, or mother, or crush, we know that everyone has one, and they all get a little itchy sometimes.

I mean, every other part of our body sends us the urge to scratch and relieve the itch, why should our Hershey hole be any different?

Think about it — it’s kind of a tight space that doesn’t get a lot of breathing room. Not to mention we shit out of it every day (if we are lucky, I mean).

I cannot be the only one who has had a shooting itch spike up my puckered starfish while in line at the grocery store. There is no amount of leg crossing or “accidentally” rubbing your cheeks against the candy aisle that can take that kind of ferocious feeling out of your crapsnatch.

There are times you need to get your fingernails involved and just be done with it. (Not in the grocery store line, though, thanks.)

I’ve told my kids over and over they need to wipe better when I see their hand disappear into their ass crack, but a dingy pooper may not be the only reason an anal itch can send you over the edge.

Bum crumbs are a culprit for sure, so WebMD suggests it’s always helpful to try and wipe your balloon knot with a “wet piece of dye-free, unscented toilet paper” then pat it down with a dry piece to get rid of the moisture.

Or you could opt for a butthole-blowout and use a hair dryer (set on low and at a safe distance away, naturally) to dry it more gently.

So, start there if you feel like there’s a fire in your hole. Literally.

Dr. Giuseppe Aragona is a General Practitioner who told Scary Mommy that anal itching can be the result of certain foods or medications.

I can personally attest to this one because for some reason, whenever I eat quinoa, I get an ass-rash that feels like one thousand rays of sun and my entire crack and butthole need to be on ice in order to stop the flames. My doctor told me it was an allergic reaction and I needed to stop eating it. Who would have thought a power-grain would make me want to take sandpaper to my mud tunnel?

If you are having a case of the itchies in your tootsie pop, pay attention to anything new you are putting in your body, as that might be the problem.

Dr. Aragona also adds that continuing to scratch the anus can cause additional symptoms associated with the itching such as burning and pain, and your symptoms could get worse. If that is the case, consult your doctor.

And don’t underestimate how fast an anal speed bump (also known as hemorrhoids or anal fissures) can slow you down.

Vikram Tarugu, M.D. told Scary Mommy via email that there are many skin conditions that can flare up and cause you uncomfortable itching and pain in the anus area, such as psoriasis or contact dermatitis.

“Medical conditions such as diabetes, thyroid disease, hemorrhoids, anal tumors can also be to blame,” says Dr. Tarugu. “There are also infections to look out for like sexually transmitted infections, pinworms, and yeast infections.”

You can also get a case of the itchies if you have had a bout of diarrhea or are using a soap, wipe, or body wash that your skin just doesn’t like.

No matter how aggressive the itch, don’t forget to be gentle with your bumhole. Dr. Tarugu says that even “washing too aggressively can irritate that delicate skin.”

Tsippora Shainhouse, MD, FAAD is a board-certified dermatologist in Beverly Hills, explains in an interview via email that anal sex may be the cause of some discomfort and itching as well.

“The stretching of the the naturally tight anal sphincter can be either pleasurable or uncomfortable. The nerve stimulation due to the stretching can be perceived as either pain or, actually itch,” says Dr. Shainhouse.

We know you can get strep throat, but strep is another reason why our bottoms could be itching. “Known as strep throat in the elementary school crowd, streptococcal bacteria can actually infect the anal area, causing an itchy or painful red rash inside the buttocks. If you or your kids have recently been diagnosed with strep throat and you develop this symptom, show your doctor,” advises Dr. Shainhouse. “You can test for the infection with the same type of swab used for your throat, and treatment is the same course of oral antibiotic.”

If you are itching and not sure where to turn to relieve yourself, start with gently cleaning the area with wet fragrance-free toilet paper and make sure to carefully dry the area. If the itching persists, all the doctors we spoke with recommend making a call to your doctor, because it could indicate something more serious.

Your butthole should be treated like anything else on your body. If it’s itching more than normal, it’s not normal, and you should take a closer look — or have someone else do it — to find out what the problem is as soon as possible.